New Puppies, Is it time?? Options

[Sammie girl'...]

As most of you know I lost my Sammie girl, a black and white sheltie who was 3 1/2 years old exactly 18 days ago. The past few weeks have been the most difficult of my life since my mom died 6 years ago on the same day, June 5th. In some ways this was harder for me. Maybe it was the shock of coming home from vacation and finding out she had died and hadn't been sick or maybe it was the fact I've never felt or given a love like that. I've cried, screamed, sobbed, hyperventilated, threw up, yelled at my family, drank too much a few nights, took Ambien to sleep, put her collar under my pillow, put pictures everywhere around my house and I write letters to her in my journal. I also ordered her a marble headstone and they are etching her picture in it. Her grave site has beautiful stones around it and flowers. I can now make it through the day without crying. Somehow I feel guilty about not crying as if I've moved on and that's not right. I think I feared moving on as if it might mean I loved her less or stopped loving her. Rediculous!!!! That's just the grief talking. Most friends don't understand but you all do and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you that has helped me through the past 18 days.

I now have a dilemna that I know will come with very different advice but I want to write about it anyway if for no other reason than it seems to give me some peace to put my feelings down. Two of my kids came to me early last week and said they wanted to get another puppy. I was MAD, whew was I mad at them. They let me rant and rave for awhile and this is what my quiet, reserved 12 year old said to me. "Nothing will bring Sammie back. She loved you and she loved us and she knew how much we loved her. Sammie would be hurt if she knew how sad you were. She always wanted to make you happy". At that point I was sobbing pretty hard. My other 12 year old who is very outspoken said, "Mom, you need another dog to love. It won't replace Sammie. The new dog will be different and you will love her because that's what you do, you love animals". They begged me to think about it and I told them I would. The very next day, my friend, the one who Sammie was with when she died, told me she found us a puppy on puppyfind.com. In fact, she said she found litter mates, girls. I yelled at her a bit too. Then she told me that she's know me for 20 years and when she lost her sheltie a few years ago the only thing that helped her get through it was having her other sheltie to love. She thinks I need that too. So, then I called my dad and my brother and my other best friend and they all said they think I should.

I'm scared. What is I resent the dog(s) b/c they aren't as loving as Sammie or as smart or whatever? These puppies are also shelties, black, white and a little tan and remind me of Sammie so much. They come from a breeder in Alabama which is a few hours from me. I've talked to him and he is a wonderful man who's been doing this for 20 years because he loves the breed. My husband thinks that the puppies will be different enough in their personalities, size and stuff that I won't compare them to Sammie. I have to admit to you all I am excited about getting puppies but I am fearful and nervous all the same. Then I think will I stop mourning Sammie? Would she be happy that we are bringing new little ones into her house? A million thoughts are in my mind. The owner of the puppies said he would give me a few days to think about it and they wouldn't be ready until July 3rd.

What are you thoughts, everyone, the good, bad, anything. I'm really struggling. Thanks so much.

[AngelBear'sLuv]

I am in that cycle of grief you spoke of Jay - I just don't let myself "go there" as much these days when I miss my sweet golden angel bear, Abbey, and begin to feel the great hurt coming on. I find distractions. I seem to have taught myself how to feel nothing and appreciate how good feeling nothing feels compared to the heartache. You have all written such beautiful and helpful messages. I read them and many times I want to respond, but my blues usually dissuade me. Melanie, it's great that you have children at home still. They have the extra energy to put into a puppy and can help you with the care and feeding. It's important not to let depression bring the household down. Life is too short, and kids are kids for a blink of an eye. Part of my grief with losing Abbey - as devastating as that alone was - is it came soon after both of my kids flew the coop to college, and I lost my job the day after I lost her. Just a bundle of loss and stress and huge changes to deal with at once. It has pounded down my energy and confidence in accepting new change now. This is such a silly perspective I know - but I think, do I really want to get a puppy and go through this again in 9 more years? But I quickly remind myself how incredibly great those 9 years will be - all the love, the fun, the comfort - the best stuff of life in a perfect, furry, wagging package. Your kids are the perfect age to help out with all that, which is really a nice thing. I love the words of wisdom from your kids, too. They have helped me tremendously. They are spot on, and remind me so much of my own kids at that age. It brought a smile to me. My college kids keep inquiring about when we will get another dog. They are all for it. Interestingly, they haven't come home to visit nearly as much, now that their "little sister" isn't here to greet them and give them hugs and kisses. It just doesn't feel like home anymore without her. It's just an empty shell and everything feels wrong. I don't blame them. Well, I wish everyone the best in following their hearts. It is a tough decision, but I have to agree that our beloved ones would be so sad to know how sad we are - and that's the last thing they would ever want. So true!