New Puppies, Is it time?? Options

[Sammie girl'...]

As most of you know I lost my Sammie girl, a black and white sheltie who was 3 1/2 years old exactly 18 days ago. The past few weeks have been the most difficult of my life since my mom died 6 years ago on the same day, June 5th. In some ways this was harder for me. Maybe it was the shock of coming home from vacation and finding out she had died and hadn't been sick or maybe it was the fact I've never felt or given a love like that. I've cried, screamed, sobbed, hyperventilated, threw up, yelled at my family, drank too much a few nights, took Ambien to sleep, put her collar under my pillow, put pictures everywhere around my house and I write letters to her in my journal. I also ordered her a marble headstone and they are etching her picture in it. Her grave site has beautiful stones around it and flowers. I can now make it through the day without crying. Somehow I feel guilty about not crying as if I've moved on and that's not right. I think I feared moving on as if it might mean I loved her less or stopped loving her. Rediculous!!!! That's just the grief talking. Most friends don't understand but you all do and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you that has helped me through the past 18 days.

I now have a dilemna that I know will come with very different advice but I want to write about it anyway if for no other reason than it seems to give me some peace to put my feelings down. Two of my kids came to me early last week and said they wanted to get another puppy. I was MAD, whew was I mad at them. They let me rant and rave for awhile and this is what my quiet, reserved 12 year old said to me. "Nothing will bring Sammie back. She loved you and she loved us and she knew how much we loved her. Sammie would be hurt if she knew how sad you were. She always wanted to make you happy". At that point I was sobbing pretty hard. My other 12 year old who is very outspoken said, "Mom, you need another dog to love. It won't replace Sammie. The new dog will be different and you will love her because that's what you do, you love animals". They begged me to think about it and I told them I would. The very next day, my friend, the one who Sammie was with when she died, told me she found us a puppy on puppyfind.com. In fact, she said she found litter mates, girls. I yelled at her a bit too. Then she told me that she's know me for 20 years and when she lost her sheltie a few years ago the only thing that helped her get through it was having her other sheltie to love. She thinks I need that too. So, then I called my dad and my brother and my other best friend and they all said they think I should.

I'm scared. What is I resent the dog(s) b/c they aren't as loving as Sammie or as smart or whatever? These puppies are also shelties, black, white and a little tan and remind me of Sammie so much. They come from a breeder in Alabama which is a few hours from me. I've talked to him and he is a wonderful man who's been doing this for 20 years because he loves the breed. My husband thinks that the puppies will be different enough in their personalities, size and stuff that I won't compare them to Sammie. I have to admit to you all I am excited about getting puppies but I am fearful and nervous all the same. Then I think will I stop mourning Sammie? Would she be happy that we are bringing new little ones into her house? A million thoughts are in my mind. The owner of the puppies said he would give me a few days to think about it and they wouldn't be ready until July 3rd.

What are you thoughts, everyone, the good, bad, anything. I'm really struggling. Thanks so much.

[patricia]

youre probably sick and tired of hearing from me, but i feel compelled to respond. so i will i have to wonder if wonderful little sammie is behind all of this. it sounds like youve already opened yourself up just a little bit to these beautiful puppies. youre kids are absolutely right on in what they said especially the parts where they say sammie loved you and KNEW how much you loved her. its ok to be scared. you know my story with lucy. i was terrified. will you stop mourning? absolutely not. i cry for my fred every day. but like i mentioned before, then lucy steps in and licks my tears away and ill im left with is giggles as she stick her tongue up my nose and jumps on me and puts her little paws around my neck. its not easy! everyday (or i try to anyways) i log on and when i ready everyones stories, well, i cry right alongside with you. one thing is for sure, sammie does want you to be happy and i believe that fred is smiling from ear to ear everyday when he sees how much lucy means to me (and because everyday lucy reminds me how much fred was so lo maintenance). well, i wont continue to ramble, but i will finish by saying that although i dont believe that new babies will stop the grieving from one day to the next like we all wish it would, but they certainly help to heal. dont be afraid to love again. you have a wonderful heart, remember that and the new ones will never replace sammie (shes always with you), they will just be another chapter in your life. listen to your heart...
hugs,
patricia

[Sammie girl'...]

Patricia,

NO way am I tired of hearing from you. In fact, when the kids talked to me about getting another dog you and lucy were the first people I thought of. I remembered so vividly your description of Lucy coming into your life and how much joy she is bringing you. I think I'm ready to love another dog. I guess I was just worried I would somehow forget Sammie or love her less. Now, that I think about that it is really crazy. That's what grief does to me. I don't think clearly. Sammie was MY first dog. I've had many as a kid and my roommates had dogs in college but Sammie was my first dog, all mine. I will never love her less and these puppies will be different and I can love them too. I have enough love to go around. And when I cry like you, the puppies can lick my tears and make me feel better too. I realize that I will still cry and miss Sammie so so bad but missing her is never going to bring her back and I really want to share my life with a dog. I believe the dog's are the greatest creatures God made by far. I feel better about this now. Thank you so much, Patricia. Don't stop writing me . As soon as I get on here you are one of the first people I look for.

Melanie