My Sammie Girl Is Gone, death and dying Options

[Sammie girl'...]

My name is Melanie and I just lost the greatest love of my life. My Sheltie, Sammie "girl" who was 3 1/2 years old died last Saturday morning. I was on vacation and when I left her she was fine and when I got off the cruise ship to call my friend who was taking care of her I found out she was gone. She had a very bad incidence of pancreatitis about 2 years ago and ever since she would have "spells" for a day that she was lethargic, possibly throwing up and weak. The vet and I both thought it was just part of a pancreatitis flair up. I would give her doggie ensure, boil hamburger and rice and nurse her back and it never lasted long and she was running and playing again. All this time we now know it wasn't pancreatitis, it was Addison's Disease. It is a disease most often found in famale dogs around the age of 4. This aweful disease attacks their adrenal glands and their bodies don't produce cortisone and other chemicals. She had what's referred to as an Addison's Crisis where the attack was so bad that it shut down her kidneys, caused her to have seizures and finally her heart stopped. It is hard to diagnose b/c it presents itself in ways related to so many other things. If you are lucky and diagnose it early then you can put your dog on medicine and they can lead a heathly life. I tell you all this so that you will be aware of this and maybe save one of your fur kids. I have had lots of pets buried them, euthanized them and actually watched one get hit by a car but all of them combined haven't hurt like losing Sammie. I can't stop crying. I've cried so hard I actually threw up what little I had eaten. My face is pealing from the salt in my tears. I can't eat without throwing up or running to the bathroom. I can't sleep without waking up crying or screaming. It hurts to breath. I have to concentrate to breath. She was MY dog. My kids loved her and my husband loved her but she was my soulmate. She was everywhere I was. I took her to work everyday the first 6 months of her life. She was in every room I went in. She slept with me. She ran errands with me. We had rituals, we had fun, we shared everything. She was my happy place when all else sucked. She was the greatest joy in my life. I love my family don't get me wrong but I have 3 teenagers that don't necessarily want to be around me and a wonderful husband who is trying to build a new business so .....Sammie was always there for me. That dog understood me and tried to talk, literally would make many different kinds of noises when I talked to her. She woke me up every morning by putting her nose to my nose and staring me down until I would wake up to play with her. She waited for me to get out of the shower. She wouldn't go into my room at night to go to bed until I walked down the hall and she went with me. She was my life and now I don't know how to live. It's day 5 and I can make it about 30 minutes without a major cyring episode. Staying busy at work isn't helping, talking about it isn't helping. I actually wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the first 3 days b/c the pain is unbearable. Nothing in my life makes any sense. I can't keep a straight thought together. I walk into a room in my house for something and forget why I'm there. I couldn't remember how to do the laundry last night. I really thought I had lost my mind until I read other folks reactions to their losses and learned that this is normal. I am playing the could have should have game too. I'm trying to stop it b/c it won't help or bring my girl back to me. I feel guilty b/c I wasn't here for her when she needed me the most but I'm trying to believe that God knew I couldn't handle that part. I feel guilty I was off having fun and she was dying. I hate the world right now. I can't imagine being truly that happy again. I've been through a lot in the past several years: I had cancer twice and a stem cell tranplant, a divorce, my daughter lost a kidney, my mom died of cancer, my dad had cancer twice (he survived), I buried my very loved cat, Lewis, and I went through HELL at work the last 18 months. I'm a financial advisor with a company that changed names, systems and everything else twice. All were hard and I've been strong. I was able to cope and get a grip until now. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I can't function. I miss her so much, she's all I can think about. I found her collar last night (my kids had hid it from me b/c they knew it would hurt). It smelled like her and I just sat on our couch and smelled it for hours. I put it under my pillow last night so she felt close to me. My husband built her a casket on Monday. I put the quilt from my childhood in there for her with her favorite pillow (she always had to lay her head on a pillow) her favorite toys and our family picture which she was in too. My husband picked her up from the vet hospital and put her in the casket so I didn't have to see her like that. My son used the tractor and dug her grave. Eight of my closest friends came over and we buried her at 6:00 Monday night in our back yard where she loved to play. I go home from work each night and sit by her grave and talk to her. I scream, throw things and cry. I just want to be as close to her as possible. I will keep reading posts as I need you all. My family and friends love me but I don't think they understand the depth of my pain. Thank you so much for taking time to share my grief with me and for the love you have all given to your furry kids.

[lynette]

Melanie.

You will make it through. It'll be tough, but you'll make it through. I know when we lost Hunny, (we let her go on a Saturday), my daughter and I took the Monday off and we stayed home and printed out photos of her. We went for a walk with our other dogs. We made it through, but then we had three months to kinda prepare for it. She got sick last summer, within a week of Lily dying, but had surgery and she was good until Christmas week when the tumour started growing again. And we knew that when it came back there would be nothing more we could do. I think I cried most of my tears for her before she left. Not in front of her, but everywhere else. But when I look back at the photos of her in those final weeks I can see that the spark had gone. Her mind was still good and she was getting around ok, but the tumour was wide open and the cancer had spread. So, I am sure the painkillers were hiding any pain she had. But the photos tell everything. I know she didn't want to leave, but at the same time I think she was ready to go be with Lily.

I know I'm rambling but it helps me to talk about things. Like I said Lily has been gone almost a year. Yeah, I still cry for her, but it is getting easier. I've lost dogs before, but for some reason losing these two was by far the hardest. Maybe it's cos they went so close together or maybe it was because these two were the first ones we ever had in the house (with the exception of one - all the others were outside dogs).

I found going for a walk by myself was a good thing. I took Hunny for a walk the morning of April 4th. Just the two of us. I followed her. I like to go that same way once in a while and just stand and "watch" her. She stood at the end of the road and just looked around for a few minutes. She looked so tired and weary, but at peace. She knew that she was going to be with Lily. This is hard to type without crying.

I have a photo of Lily on my desktop at work. I have both of them on a pet memorial website where I go a couple times a week to leave a little message for them. When Lily died I went there everyday for many many months. Now that Hunny is gone, I find it hard to go there. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, take you're time. Most people don't know what to say, because they have never had pets, but those who have, will usually understand. I found many people said that "they become a huge part of your family". And that's all they say, but sometimes that is enough, because I still can't talk about my babies without shedding a tear. Even though I like to talk about them, I don't particularly want to cry in front of these people.

Life sucks sometimes, especially when they go too young. Hunny and Lily were supposed to live to a ripe old age. I feel like I've let Lily down. She was a rescue and she was supposed to have been with us forever. But the day she died, was the day that Izzy was surrended by a puppy mill. We adopted Izzy 10 days later. So, sometimes, I like to think that Lily gave up her place with us so that another precious baby could have a chance at a good life. She was so unselfish. And Hunny, sent George to watch over Izzy, Barney and Casey. We now have a full house, 4 dogs!!!

But what is weird is that every once in a while I see Izzy just looking around, but high up around the walls. It's almost like she's looking at something. Makes me wonder if Hunny is here watching over them. Lily never knew any of these pups. Crazy eh? But kinda a nice thought I think. I think Hunny stayed as long as she did because of the pups. Hunny helped Izzy come out of her shell.

Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm just rambling on and on. There is nothing wrong in mourning the loss of someone you loved so much. Let the tears come. One day, you'll find you didn't cry as much as usual. Yeah I know - the guilt. Then the longing. But I've lost pets before, so it does get easier. Eventually. You never ever forget them. But hey, I don't care what people think of me. I lost a huge part of my heart with Hunny and Lily and for that I make no apologies. I loved them and I will always love them.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

Anyway, I have to go pick up George from the vets. We had him fixed today.