My Sammie Girl Is Gone, death and dying Options

[Sammie girl'...]

My name is Melanie and I just lost the greatest love of my life. My Sheltie, Sammie "girl" who was 3 1/2 years old died last Saturday morning. I was on vacation and when I left her she was fine and when I got off the cruise ship to call my friend who was taking care of her I found out she was gone. She had a very bad incidence of pancreatitis about 2 years ago and ever since she would have "spells" for a day that she was lethargic, possibly throwing up and weak. The vet and I both thought it was just part of a pancreatitis flair up. I would give her doggie ensure, boil hamburger and rice and nurse her back and it never lasted long and she was running and playing again. All this time we now know it wasn't pancreatitis, it was Addison's Disease. It is a disease most often found in famale dogs around the age of 4. This aweful disease attacks their adrenal glands and their bodies don't produce cortisone and other chemicals. She had what's referred to as an Addison's Crisis where the attack was so bad that it shut down her kidneys, caused her to have seizures and finally her heart stopped. It is hard to diagnose b/c it presents itself in ways related to so many other things. If you are lucky and diagnose it early then you can put your dog on medicine and they can lead a heathly life. I tell you all this so that you will be aware of this and maybe save one of your fur kids. I have had lots of pets buried them, euthanized them and actually watched one get hit by a car but all of them combined haven't hurt like losing Sammie. I can't stop crying. I've cried so hard I actually threw up what little I had eaten. My face is pealing from the salt in my tears. I can't eat without throwing up or running to the bathroom. I can't sleep without waking up crying or screaming. It hurts to breath. I have to concentrate to breath. She was MY dog. My kids loved her and my husband loved her but she was my soulmate. She was everywhere I was. I took her to work everyday the first 6 months of her life. She was in every room I went in. She slept with me. She ran errands with me. We had rituals, we had fun, we shared everything. She was my happy place when all else sucked. She was the greatest joy in my life. I love my family don't get me wrong but I have 3 teenagers that don't necessarily want to be around me and a wonderful husband who is trying to build a new business so .....Sammie was always there for me. That dog understood me and tried to talk, literally would make many different kinds of noises when I talked to her. She woke me up every morning by putting her nose to my nose and staring me down until I would wake up to play with her. She waited for me to get out of the shower. She wouldn't go into my room at night to go to bed until I walked down the hall and she went with me. She was my life and now I don't know how to live. It's day 5 and I can make it about 30 minutes without a major cyring episode. Staying busy at work isn't helping, talking about it isn't helping. I actually wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the first 3 days b/c the pain is unbearable. Nothing in my life makes any sense. I can't keep a straight thought together. I walk into a room in my house for something and forget why I'm there. I couldn't remember how to do the laundry last night. I really thought I had lost my mind until I read other folks reactions to their losses and learned that this is normal. I am playing the could have should have game too. I'm trying to stop it b/c it won't help or bring my girl back to me. I feel guilty b/c I wasn't here for her when she needed me the most but I'm trying to believe that God knew I couldn't handle that part. I feel guilty I was off having fun and she was dying. I hate the world right now. I can't imagine being truly that happy again. I've been through a lot in the past several years: I had cancer twice and a stem cell tranplant, a divorce, my daughter lost a kidney, my mom died of cancer, my dad had cancer twice (he survived), I buried my very loved cat, Lewis, and I went through HELL at work the last 18 months. I'm a financial advisor with a company that changed names, systems and everything else twice. All were hard and I've been strong. I was able to cope and get a grip until now. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I can't function. I miss her so much, she's all I can think about. I found her collar last night (my kids had hid it from me b/c they knew it would hurt). It smelled like her and I just sat on our couch and smelled it for hours. I put it under my pillow last night so she felt close to me. My husband built her a casket on Monday. I put the quilt from my childhood in there for her with her favorite pillow (she always had to lay her head on a pillow) her favorite toys and our family picture which she was in too. My husband picked her up from the vet hospital and put her in the casket so I didn't have to see her like that. My son used the tractor and dug her grave. Eight of my closest friends came over and we buried her at 6:00 Monday night in our back yard where she loved to play. I go home from work each night and sit by her grave and talk to her. I scream, throw things and cry. I just want to be as close to her as possible. I will keep reading posts as I need you all. My family and friends love me but I don't think they understand the depth of my pain. Thank you so much for taking time to share my grief with me and for the love you have all given to your furry kids.

[patricia]

melanie, we are here for you. you are not alone. i too remember staying at the office late. i didnt want to go home and when i did, i had the worst stomach ache and i cried all the way home. opening the door was so hard. i just stood there and sobbed. i wanted to see my babies. i put a little memorial (pix, bowl, etc) up by my bed (its now been transferred to the book shelves) but at first i just kept it next to my bed. i bought a special candle that i would always remember fred (and riley) by ifor each of them. and when i was able to step inside my apartment, i just lit the candle, curled up and allowed myself to cry. i screamed into my pillow and just let it out. you would think that one night of that would be enough but it wasnt. there were many many nights like that. but my point is try putting a few of sammies things together and allow yourself to grieve. it ok. i couldnt eat either but thats ok. its ok to not be ok. you have just expereinced a huge loss. you couldnt be ok overnight. its just not possible. the first few weeks you will feel like youre barely alive, just functioning by routine. thats ok. i shut the door to my office and cried and cried. this went on for a very long time. also, i dont know where you live but sometims you can find a group therapy that is offered in some of the shelters. that was also very helpful to me. but like i said, keep on writing, like you are. pour out your heart. we hear you and understand.

patricia

[Sammie girl'...]

Patricia,

What a great idea about collecting some of Sammie's things. I went home at lunch and put one of her toys in all the rooms of my house. I am going to print a lot of pictures of her out of my computer tonight and put one in a frame to place in each room. I put her collar under my pillow so when I wake up crying I can at least hold it. I am also going to get a headstone for her grave but I have to figure out just what to put on it. I went to lunch with my husband and had to leave the restaurant b/c the tears started coming. It really hit unexpectedly. So many people around me (good people) just don't understand. They think I should be fine now, sad yes but certainly not still sobbing. I actually didn't cry this morning at all. I woke up and didn't feel anything. It was like I was a stepford wife just going thru the motions but I wasn't really there. Then on the way to work I started feeling guilty for not crying. I got to work and then lost it. It is hard for me not to have control of my emotions. I like to be able to have control and feel in charge and I'm not. It's been 6 days since she left me and things aren't any better. I know it will take time but right now it sure feels like it will be forever.

Thank you Patricia,
Melanie