My Sammie Girl Is Gone, death and dying Options

[Sammie girl'...]

My name is Melanie and I just lost the greatest love of my life. My Sheltie, Sammie "girl" who was 3 1/2 years old died last Saturday morning. I was on vacation and when I left her she was fine and when I got off the cruise ship to call my friend who was taking care of her I found out she was gone. She had a very bad incidence of pancreatitis about 2 years ago and ever since she would have "spells" for a day that she was lethargic, possibly throwing up and weak. The vet and I both thought it was just part of a pancreatitis flair up. I would give her doggie ensure, boil hamburger and rice and nurse her back and it never lasted long and she was running and playing again. All this time we now know it wasn't pancreatitis, it was Addison's Disease. It is a disease most often found in famale dogs around the age of 4. This aweful disease attacks their adrenal glands and their bodies don't produce cortisone and other chemicals. She had what's referred to as an Addison's Crisis where the attack was so bad that it shut down her kidneys, caused her to have seizures and finally her heart stopped. It is hard to diagnose b/c it presents itself in ways related to so many other things. If you are lucky and diagnose it early then you can put your dog on medicine and they can lead a heathly life. I tell you all this so that you will be aware of this and maybe save one of your fur kids. I have had lots of pets buried them, euthanized them and actually watched one get hit by a car but all of them combined haven't hurt like losing Sammie. I can't stop crying. I've cried so hard I actually threw up what little I had eaten. My face is pealing from the salt in my tears. I can't eat without throwing up or running to the bathroom. I can't sleep without waking up crying or screaming. It hurts to breath. I have to concentrate to breath. She was MY dog. My kids loved her and my husband loved her but she was my soulmate. She was everywhere I was. I took her to work everyday the first 6 months of her life. She was in every room I went in. She slept with me. She ran errands with me. We had rituals, we had fun, we shared everything. She was my happy place when all else sucked. She was the greatest joy in my life. I love my family don't get me wrong but I have 3 teenagers that don't necessarily want to be around me and a wonderful husband who is trying to build a new business so .....Sammie was always there for me. That dog understood me and tried to talk, literally would make many different kinds of noises when I talked to her. She woke me up every morning by putting her nose to my nose and staring me down until I would wake up to play with her. She waited for me to get out of the shower. She wouldn't go into my room at night to go to bed until I walked down the hall and she went with me. She was my life and now I don't know how to live. It's day 5 and I can make it about 30 minutes without a major cyring episode. Staying busy at work isn't helping, talking about it isn't helping. I actually wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the first 3 days b/c the pain is unbearable. Nothing in my life makes any sense. I can't keep a straight thought together. I walk into a room in my house for something and forget why I'm there. I couldn't remember how to do the laundry last night. I really thought I had lost my mind until I read other folks reactions to their losses and learned that this is normal. I am playing the could have should have game too. I'm trying to stop it b/c it won't help or bring my girl back to me. I feel guilty b/c I wasn't here for her when she needed me the most but I'm trying to believe that God knew I couldn't handle that part. I feel guilty I was off having fun and she was dying. I hate the world right now. I can't imagine being truly that happy again. I've been through a lot in the past several years: I had cancer twice and a stem cell tranplant, a divorce, my daughter lost a kidney, my mom died of cancer, my dad had cancer twice (he survived), I buried my very loved cat, Lewis, and I went through HELL at work the last 18 months. I'm a financial advisor with a company that changed names, systems and everything else twice. All were hard and I've been strong. I was able to cope and get a grip until now. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I can't function. I miss her so much, she's all I can think about. I found her collar last night (my kids had hid it from me b/c they knew it would hurt). It smelled like her and I just sat on our couch and smelled it for hours. I put it under my pillow last night so she felt close to me. My husband built her a casket on Monday. I put the quilt from my childhood in there for her with her favorite pillow (she always had to lay her head on a pillow) her favorite toys and our family picture which she was in too. My husband picked her up from the vet hospital and put her in the casket so I didn't have to see her like that. My son used the tractor and dug her grave. Eight of my closest friends came over and we buried her at 6:00 Monday night in our back yard where she loved to play. I go home from work each night and sit by her grave and talk to her. I scream, throw things and cry. I just want to be as close to her as possible. I will keep reading posts as I need you all. My family and friends love me but I don't think they understand the depth of my pain. Thank you so much for taking time to share my grief with me and for the love you have all given to your furry kids.

[lynette]

So very sorry for your loss.

This is a great website. I wish I had found it last June when I lost my precious baby Lily so suddenly. I found it a few days before we lost Hunny this April 4th though. We had to put Hunny to sleep because she was losing her battle with cancer. That was the hardest decision I've ever had to do, and I hope I never have to do it again. But there were some people here who helped me through it. My babies left too soon, both were only eight when they flew to heaven.

It is extremely hard. And most people just don't understand how deep the pain is. How much it hurts to long for them each day. I cried in the shower when Lily died. I couldn't breathe either. At least with Hunny, we had time before she had to leave. But it all hurts so much. It will be a year June 24th since we lost Lily. I can't believe how the time has flown by. I pretty much cry for both of them every day, usually on the way to work and the way home. I always felt closest to them at home. I hated to go to work. I was angry with the world. My perspective on life has definitely changed. Work is just a pay cheque now. I need to be at home - close to my babies. I'm paranoid all the time, cos we're not sure what exactly happened with Lily. It looked like she was choking, but we couldn't do anything. So, now I'm terrified to give my other babies bones. But every day gets a little easier. It does, it just takes time. And there will always be times when the tears just start flowing. Something will trigger the tears. And you'll always miss them. But it makes me happy to know that my babies are together again, to know that they are both healthy and happy. I stare off into the distance and "see" them walking down the road or across the field. That makes me smile. They loved to go for walks. In heaven they get to do that whenever they want.

Give it time. Six days is nothing. Lily's been gone a year almost and I still bawl my eyes out for her. The hardest part is knowing that you can't hold them when you want to. I still haven't buried Hunny's ashes next to Lily yet. Somehow, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

But this is a great place to come. Just writing about what you're feeling helps. Sometimes, people don't reply, but so what, just writing about it helps.

So, please don't be too hard on yourself. Let the tears flow. I check this website every other day at work, and it always makes me cry. The people at work, must think I'm nuts sometimes. But whatever, I don't care. My Hunny and Lily meant the world to me.

And I can't wait to see them again one day. For now, I just need to believe that they are happy and healthy. And your precious baby is out of harms reach and healthy again. And yes, when she's not busy having fun, she's looking down on you.

Take care.