My Sammie Girl Is Gone, death and dying Options

[Sammie girl'...]

My name is Melanie and I just lost the greatest love of my life. My Sheltie, Sammie "girl" who was 3 1/2 years old died last Saturday morning. I was on vacation and when I left her she was fine and when I got off the cruise ship to call my friend who was taking care of her I found out she was gone. She had a very bad incidence of pancreatitis about 2 years ago and ever since she would have "spells" for a day that she was lethargic, possibly throwing up and weak. The vet and I both thought it was just part of a pancreatitis flair up. I would give her doggie ensure, boil hamburger and rice and nurse her back and it never lasted long and she was running and playing again. All this time we now know it wasn't pancreatitis, it was Addison's Disease. It is a disease most often found in famale dogs around the age of 4. This aweful disease attacks their adrenal glands and their bodies don't produce cortisone and other chemicals. She had what's referred to as an Addison's Crisis where the attack was so bad that it shut down her kidneys, caused her to have seizures and finally her heart stopped. It is hard to diagnose b/c it presents itself in ways related to so many other things. If you are lucky and diagnose it early then you can put your dog on medicine and they can lead a heathly life. I tell you all this so that you will be aware of this and maybe save one of your fur kids. I have had lots of pets buried them, euthanized them and actually watched one get hit by a car but all of them combined haven't hurt like losing Sammie. I can't stop crying. I've cried so hard I actually threw up what little I had eaten. My face is pealing from the salt in my tears. I can't eat without throwing up or running to the bathroom. I can't sleep without waking up crying or screaming. It hurts to breath. I have to concentrate to breath. She was MY dog. My kids loved her and my husband loved her but she was my soulmate. She was everywhere I was. I took her to work everyday the first 6 months of her life. She was in every room I went in. She slept with me. She ran errands with me. We had rituals, we had fun, we shared everything. She was my happy place when all else sucked. She was the greatest joy in my life. I love my family don't get me wrong but I have 3 teenagers that don't necessarily want to be around me and a wonderful husband who is trying to build a new business so .....Sammie was always there for me. That dog understood me and tried to talk, literally would make many different kinds of noises when I talked to her. She woke me up every morning by putting her nose to my nose and staring me down until I would wake up to play with her. She waited for me to get out of the shower. She wouldn't go into my room at night to go to bed until I walked down the hall and she went with me. She was my life and now I don't know how to live. It's day 5 and I can make it about 30 minutes without a major cyring episode. Staying busy at work isn't helping, talking about it isn't helping. I actually wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the first 3 days b/c the pain is unbearable. Nothing in my life makes any sense. I can't keep a straight thought together. I walk into a room in my house for something and forget why I'm there. I couldn't remember how to do the laundry last night. I really thought I had lost my mind until I read other folks reactions to their losses and learned that this is normal. I am playing the could have should have game too. I'm trying to stop it b/c it won't help or bring my girl back to me. I feel guilty b/c I wasn't here for her when she needed me the most but I'm trying to believe that God knew I couldn't handle that part. I feel guilty I was off having fun and she was dying. I hate the world right now. I can't imagine being truly that happy again. I've been through a lot in the past several years: I had cancer twice and a stem cell tranplant, a divorce, my daughter lost a kidney, my mom died of cancer, my dad had cancer twice (he survived), I buried my very loved cat, Lewis, and I went through HELL at work the last 18 months. I'm a financial advisor with a company that changed names, systems and everything else twice. All were hard and I've been strong. I was able to cope and get a grip until now. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I can't function. I miss her so much, she's all I can think about. I found her collar last night (my kids had hid it from me b/c they knew it would hurt). It smelled like her and I just sat on our couch and smelled it for hours. I put it under my pillow last night so she felt close to me. My husband built her a casket on Monday. I put the quilt from my childhood in there for her with her favorite pillow (she always had to lay her head on a pillow) her favorite toys and our family picture which she was in too. My husband picked her up from the vet hospital and put her in the casket so I didn't have to see her like that. My son used the tractor and dug her grave. Eight of my closest friends came over and we buried her at 6:00 Monday night in our back yard where she loved to play. I go home from work each night and sit by her grave and talk to her. I scream, throw things and cry. I just want to be as close to her as possible. I will keep reading posts as I need you all. My family and friends love me but I don't think they understand the depth of my pain. Thank you so much for taking time to share my grief with me and for the love you have all given to your furry kids.

[patricia]

dear melanie, i wish could be there in person to give you a big hug. i know how you are feeling. everyone here knows how you are feeling. i am so sorry to hear about your sweet sammie. in less than a year, i lost both my fur babies, the second about three months ago. i remember crying non stop and so hard, my eyes were swollen shut and my whole body just ached. i know what its like to wonder how youre ever going to make it and even wondering if you want to or not. most people do not understand when we tell them our furbabies are our soulmates but we do. you certainly have been thru so much and i understand the bond with your little one. she never made your life difficult, she never talked back, she never yelled at you for not getting your work done on time. she, like all of ours was the one constant in our lives. the one who loved us no matter what. the one who consoled us truly when we had a bad day. what a wonderful lesson we can learn from these beautiful creatures as they teach us unconditional love, patience, tolerance and so much more. how blessed you both were to have each other. im sorry she was taken so early from you. that just seems so unfair. but unfortunately we cannot control these things. when i read about you holding the collar, it brought back so many memories. when my first cat passed away suddenly last year, i was so distraught. he died the very same day we were moving to a new apartment. if he had passed away a few days earlier, i wouldnt have moved. the new place didnt hold his memories, his scents , anything at all.. he had visited the place only once two days before he passed, only because i took him first to see his dr. i found myself on all hands and knees looking for any of his fur that i could hold in my hand. i ransacked the moving boxes hoping that he had shed any of his fur in there as he played from one box to another. i found a few strands and to me it was like oxygen. i held them for the longest time. it was all i had left of him. i taped them down and to this day i still go over to feel them. this is a very difficult time for you. try and think of him in a wonderful place full of new friends. its a big open field where the sun always shines and the pain and discomfort is all gone. and when sammie is tired from playing all day she lays down and looks down on you to make sure that you are ok. she is now your little angel.
and please keep writing. write about your grief and your anguish. write about your memories. that is what got me thru the worst days of my life. there will come a day when you will be able to smile again, amidst the tears as you remember the wonderful and happy times you shared with sammie.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

[Sammie girl'...]

dear melanie, i wish could be there in person to give you a big hug. i know how you are feeling. everyone here knows how you are feeling. i am so sorry to hear about your sweet sammie. in less than a year, i lost both my fur babies, the second about three months ago. i remember crying non stop and so hard, my eyes were swollen shut and my whole body just ached. i know what its like to wonder how youre ever going to make it and even wondering if you want to or not. most people do not understand when we tell them our furbabies are our soulmates but we do. you certainly have been thru so much and i understand the bond with your little one. she never made your life difficult, she never talked back, she never yelled at you for not getting your work done on time. she, like all of ours was the one constant in our lives. the one who loved us no matter what. the one who consoled us truly when we had a bad day. what a wonderful lesson we can learn from these beautiful creatures as they teach us unconditional love, patience, tolerance and so much more. how blessed you both were to have each other. im sorry she was taken so early from you. that just seems so unfair. but unfortunately we cannot control these things. when i read about you holding the collar, it brought back so many memories. when my first cat passed away suddenly last year, i was so distraught. he died the very same day we were moving to a new apartment. if he had passed away a few days earlier, i wouldnt have moved. the new place didnt hold his memories, his scents , anything at all.. he had visited the place only once two days before he passed, only because i took him first to see his dr. i found myself on all hands and knees looking for any of his fur that i could hold in my hand. i ransacked the moving boxes hoping that he had shed any of his fur in there as he played from one box to another. i found a few strands and to me it was like oxygen. i held them for the longest time. it was all i had left of him. i taped them down and to this day i still go over to feel them. this is a very difficult time for you. try and think of him in a wonderful place full of new friends. its a big open field where the sun always shines and the pain and discomfort is all gone. and when sammie is tired from playing all day she lays down and looks down on you to make sure that you are ok. she is now your little angel.
and please keep writing. write about your grief and your anguish. write about your memories. that is what got me thru the worst days of my life. there will come a day when you will be able to smile again, amidst the tears as you remember the wonderful and happy times you shared with sammie.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Patricia,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing to me. It helps me feel a little less loss. I've combed the house for Sammie's fur too. The hospital where she died sent me some of her fur and they took her footprints with ink on paper for me. It is my oxygen too. I am deeply sorry for both your losses. I can't even imagine going through this twice. Complete despair. Everyone who met her fell in love with her so I'm trying to think of all the new friends that can love her now too. She was just the most loving creature I've ever had the privilege of knowing. I will keep writing and praying. Thank you, Patricia for caring. God bless you.
Melanie