If I Had Just One More Day With Mouses... Options

[I miss mouses]

If I had just one more day...
I'd wake up to you jumping onto the bed and landing on my head. You would keep meowing until I got up an sprinkled just a few new pebbles of food, and gave you new water (day old water was never OK for you). If I had just one more day with you...I would rent a bunch of movies, I'd stay in my pj's, and I'd stay with you in our bed. My movie buddy. My favorite place in the whole world-in bed with you! I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd try to solve mysteries, or get lost in the drama...all while petting you. My lap cat, my buddy, my best friend in the whole world. I'd buy you some treats and some treats for myself. My legs would go numb, I'd have to pee so bad, but I would never alter your comfort and happiness. You would be purring so loud. The happiest loudest purr I have ever heard. I love you my girl. My brown tabby with the cutest face I've ever seen.
If I had just one more day...we would take a nap. I'd fall asleep while happily petting your soft shiny fur. Oh, how I love that tail...those feet. I would wake up to your cat breath that I miss so much. I would brush you-you loved that so much...wish I did it everyday. You always loved your chin and whiskers scratched. We'd hang out in all shades of sunlight, from sunrise to sunset. I'd play the feather game one more time behind the throw pillows on the bed and under the covers. I'd hold you in my arms in front of the mirror. I was always trying to burn the image of us together in my brain, so it would last forever. I'd give you your favorite wellness food, and give you back your favorite princess water dish. We would end the day in our favorite way...you and I both on our left sides with you curled up in my arm. I pet you and I scratch your chin. I bring your head up gently and kiss you on your forehead. I play with your tail in my fingers. I miss your tail so much mouses. I'd pound, pound, your happy tail, and squeeze together those cute little feet. I miss your feet and puffy paws so much. I'd pet you between your eyes in the furry spot above your nose, and you'd fall asleep. My neck would hurt as it always did, but I don't care-it's your comfort I care about (as any cat lover would know). After about an hour you've had enough, you go get your last meal, and drink, and go potty. Then you jump up to my back ( I have turned to my right side), I grab you and lay you down. You never stay on my right side, you go to leave, I I always pull you in for one more hug (I still remember our last one...thank God I hugged you just a little longer that night). I let you go to your pillow which rests above my head/pillow. I pet you, I hold your paw and we go to sleep. I love you I whisper. I love you forever my "soul kitty."

My mouses: May 11, 1996-Jan 25, 2009
Still in shock. Still can't accept this. Thought you'd live to 20. How did I not react faster. I love you so much...how did I not rush you to the ER??? Monday January 19th I carry you to the bed like a baby, you weirdly fall out of my arms. You look up at me like I dropped you. I didn't drop you. Was it a seizure? I'll never know. You don't get up I am afraid to move you. Finally you move. I put you on the bed, I check out your legs, arms, tummy, back, etc. You show no signs of discomfort. You go eat. Daddy says your fine. A cat can handle a small fall like that. I am in worry mode and start to watch you. Tuesday and Wednesday I see a change in you. Daddy says you look fine. I try to calm down. I know I worry to much when it comes to anything with you. It's happening...I notice your not eating, your not drinking. Why don't I call the vet on Wednesday. I love you so much, I can't believe I waited. Wednesday is preschool day for M. I wait until Thursday. I tell the vet about your fall, and how your not eating and drinking. She doesn't list you as an emergency. I trust her opinion. She makes you an appointment for Saturday. Saturday??? I hang up the phone you go to get off the bed and land on your right side again. You stagger like a drunk to your box. I was so freaked out I can't remember if you used it. You drink water. I feel better. I am trying so hard to not react around you. I call the vet. She only bumps you up to Friday. Why didn't I rush you to the ER? Why didn't I know we lived 5 min from the ER? If I could turn back time...I would have rushed you to the ER. I take you on Friday. You are still peeing and drinking a tiny bit now. My world ends. The vet finds a mass. I go in thinking it's your leg, your hip from the fall. At worst it is hind leg neuropathy. We start a new life with diabetes. Cancer. I never thought Cancer. You had been to the vets in May 08. You were healthy, no palpable masses. The panic sets in. Oh God this really was serious. Why didn't I rush you to the ER on Monday? Would it have changed anything? I try to calm down. Abdominal masses (confirmed by x-ray). One huge one near your pancreas and stomach. Scattered masses throughout your intestines. I have to save you. At the time 12 was young to me. You were so strong and healthy just days before. That is the Mouses I know. Healthy strong Mouses. Even using hindsight I don't see any signs of illness. You hid it so well. I am home all day. I would know if you were sick. How did I miss this? Nothing was different until the fall. Your routined. Your routines up until that Monday were unchanged. You were happy, eating, purring, and doing everything. How did it all change so fast. I was just watching a Movie with you on that Monday. You seemed fine. Now you have Cancer? I leave you at the vets. I have to save you. Exploratory surgery set for 2:00 the next day. Your dehydrated, your temp is low. They need to stabilize you before you can go to surgery.
You never make it to surgery. Saturday they find out your diabetic. They believe the Cancer has shut down your pancreas. I can put you to sleep. I just can't. You were just fine, I am so confused. I take you home. You look different. You look lost. Strange meowing, falling off the bed, you keep crouching low and meowing. Your in pain aren't you? I bring you to the ER to see what are options are. This vet is older an more experienced way less hopeful than your vet. You are 12, with diabetes and abdominal masses. Your temp is 10 degrees low. Your WBC is 56,000, your anemic (sp?), your bilirubin is elevated and so are your kidney levels. This is a lot to stabilize. Your respirations near 100. Labored breathing...how did we get here from Monday. All I want to do is save you. Diabetes alone takes at least 3 days to stabilize. The vet thinks you will die at their hospital. She gave you a less than 10% chance to make it to surgery. She said you probably wouldn't make it out of surgery. Abdominal masses are infiltrative. They would have to take out pieces of your pancreas and intestines. Forced feedings, bathroom issues, blood sugar issues while recovering from surgery. I want to save you. She tells me to think of you not me. I can't lose you. I can't. I take you home to spend one more night with you, but this night is far from my dream night. You are in pain, you have that sad meow, you stare of into the distance, you hide, you can't breathe. I am in shock. What happened to my Mouses. My sweet little girl. You were just purring above my head. Now you can't breathe. I have to let you go. We call a vet to come to the house. I need you to be comfortable and calm. We put you to sleep on our bed. The new year just started. Every year I wonder if you'll make it to the next Christmas. How are you gone? You were dead on our bed. You look so normal. Soft, shiny and beautiful. It is you. I always thought when you died you'd be old and raggedy. No longer grooming yourself. Thin, bathroom issues, etc. Blind, deaf...i don't know, but not like this. I don't even get to treat your illnesses. It is 3 months later, and I still want to take care of you with Cancer and diabetes. Every day I wonder. IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY.... if only I brought you to the ER. Would you have made it to surgery. IF so what then? Would you still be here? You needed that surgery. I lost you your chance for surgery. I DID!!! I always prayed for a good ending. This ending is eating me alive. I love you Mouses. I am sorry. I can't believe I didn't even try to get you to drink water. What is wrong with me? We are moving into our new house. I can't believe you aren't moving with me. I pictured you in every house we looked at. I have to leave your home. I don't want to. I just want to go back to normal.

[phoebekitty]

Mouses mom:
I can feel your pain so much, it wakes up my sad memory of my 12 year old male, who had the same problems as Mouses. I know many others will read your entry, and feel the same. It hurts so much, it is difficult to cope with life. That pain is so real, it is like losing a family member, or best friend.

Cats are amazing! Your Mouses loved you, played with you, performed for you, slept with you every night and lived until the end without complaining, always happy to see you! A truly happy cat, and so clever to hide any pain or discomfort, until the end. Oh, how awful for you to have to face that decision so suddenly! She was so lucky to be with you at home on that final day.

I know you feel guilty about the surgery. Perhaps you might want to speak to the Vet, to get more detail about her condition, which may not have been solved by surgery. I am not sure that it will be of any consolation right now, but eventually you will realize that none of this was your fault at all.

Please don't despair: listen to how others cope, and it may help you heal also. Time will dull the pain, but will never erase the loving memory. With sincere thoughts...Felix's mom.

[I miss mouses]

[quote name='phoebekitty' date='Apr 24 2009, 05:00 PM' post='50107']

Felix's Mom,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Felix and Mouses did have a very similar problem and ending. I am so sorry you lost Felix so young too (12 is just too soon)! I was on your profile...just wanted you to know your pictures of Felix gave me the biggest smile. Love that big paw! I had some of Mouses ashes put into a creamation necklace. I wear it everyday. It is a big silver cat paw. It would be so perfect for you! It makes me feel so much better to carry her close to my heart everywhere I go.

Back in February I did go see Mouses original vet. Sadly he deepened my pain. He told me he was shocked I took Mouses home and put her to sleep. He said he did not see Mouses as a dying kitty, he thought she was an "uncomfortable" kitty. Needless to say he set me way back(I screamed and cried all the way home). His words haunt me to this day. He said they had her set for surgery on Monday. He thought she just needed the weekend to stabilize at the ER, where they had the technologly and 24 hr care she needed. Don't worry. I am doing better now. I also spoke to the ER vet again. They comforted me a lot. They thoroughly explained Mouses X-ray and bloodwork. They just have to be more right about Mouses, otherwise I killed my cat.

Thanks for saying Mouses loved me. Sometimes that is all I need to hear...Mouses loved me...a truly happy cat.
My heart goes out to you and your loss (beautiful boy). Mouses Mommy

[phoebekitty]

[quote name='I miss mouses' date='Apr 26 2009, 08:02 PM' post='50144']
[quote name='phoebekitty' date='Apr 24 2009, 05:00 PM' post='50107']


Mouses Mom:
I too had my guy cremated, and he is in a little box. I gleaned some of his hair from the big scratching post (he is on it in one of those pictures), and also have it in a locket that my husband gave to me. It seems a little silly, but I put his ashes on that post at the top, and I stroke it, telling him that I love him and miss him. I miss being able to give him that affection the most. Even though I can't see him, I think his little spirit may be hanging around. I'm glad you liked the pictures.

I told my husband about your post, and he cracked up at the name you gave your cat (not the story).

I think the ER Vet gave you the real situation with Mouses. They have better diagnostic tests, not accesible to regular vets. The surgeon who operated on my Felix, even checked the Xrays taken two months before to confirm that he did not miss anything-his cancer was that aggressive. It's good to hear that you are doing better.

[I miss mouses]

The guilt is overwhelming today...having a really bad day! I remembered last night we were going to take you to the vet in August, then we kept delaying it. By November the holidays had rolled around...since we just took you to the vet in May 08 we decided to wait until after the holidays. We weren't taking you for any specific reason just another wellness check-up, but now I can't help but wonder, what if? What if we went in August or September like we almost had? Would you still be here today? I am so sorry we put off your appointment. I could have saved your life, or at least lengthened it (early detection is key).
So I keep thinking...we take you in August, we get lucky they find your abdominal masses, your stable enough for the surgery (you weren't stable enough in January). You have the surgery, you start chemo. Would you have only lived until January anyway? Would you have died earlier? Maybe I could have lost you in surgery in August? Maybe the mass wasn't palpable until October?

I hate not knowing every possible outcome. Your ending is your ending, it is still driving me crazy. I still wish I gave you 2 more days at the ER, maybe they could have stabilized you? Still can't find many cases with Cancer and diabetes. Maybe you really are better off. Maybe it would have been hell on you after surgery. My girl recovering from surgery, and getting newly found diabetes stabilized. Insulin and chemo, how would that make you feel?

I probably already wrote all of this somewhere, but it never stops running in my brain. I can't believe your gone. FOREVER!! I miss you so much. I wish so much you just fell due to hind leg neuropathy. 12 years old with a diabetes diagnosis, that I could have handled. You would be at home, and I would now have proof that your time is running out. Everyday could be special. Every hug a little tighter, every look a little longer...

I am so thankful for this site. All of the stories have helped so much. It is so nice to know there are people out there just like me. I hate the people in my life right now. I feel so abandoned by everyone. Most people lasted one week. One! What is wrong with this world? Pets are family. Everyone in my life keeps wondering why I am so obsessed with her ending. They don't understand the closure that could have came from a different ending. Most people keep saying to me, "what does it matter, she was dying sometime this year anyway." I find out my cat is ill, and bam 2 days later I am putting her to sleep. I wish I at least had a week to absorb it, and say goodbye. Mouses was so gone on our last night together. I feel like I already lost her. I think Thursday night was my last real night with her...as I slept with her I had no clue she wouldn't be in my bed ever again in just a few days. I knew she was going to the vet the next morning, but whatever she had we were going to fix/pay for, so I wasn't that worried. I couldn't even hold her on her last night. She never purred, she never looked at me, she wasn't Mouses anymore.

Praying what happened is the best for you...even if it makes me crazy. I love you Mouses. I miss you every minute of everyday. I can't believe our time together is over. Love, me

[patricia]

Dear mouses mom

im so sorry i didnt respond sooner. (i didnt get a notification that you had replied). im so sorry youre having a bad day. i think we can all say we know what youre going thru. one day youre feeling better and the next youre down. i could tell you stories of endless hours of crying here at work. showing up to meetings looking like i had been crying for hours and missing my fred every second of every minute of every day. there are a lot of people that dont understand but there are a lot of people that do. and we are here for you.

i can tell you from your questions posted last month that from what fred's doctor told me diabetes is very common among male cats and although i had so much hope when he first got diagnosed, when he passed away, she informed me that cats with diabetes really dont last very much longer after they are diagnosed. of course there are exceptions. it just so happened that when fred and i came home i found out my neighbor has a cat thats 18 and has had diabetes since he was 15. i was thrilled. i thought i would have my baby for at least four more years and who cares if he needs insulin shots twice a day for the rest of his life. but when my vet called me after fred had died, she let me know that most cases are so hard to regulate, like my little one. fred was in the hospital every weekend, to check his glucose levels, for blood work, well i could go on and on. i didnt care as long as he was alive. but the levels of insulin increased, decreased, increased again and so on and so on. on top of that, so many other factors are involved, that affect the readings. for instance freds vet (whom i consider amazing by the way) wanted to get his teeth cleaned. why i asked. i mean what does that have to do with anything. well if he has infections could cause the readings to come out wrong and so forth. she even said that if he was stressed out coming to see her, could affect the readings. the point is its very hard to have a diabetic cat. i, like you would have lived with it anyways. i would give anything to have him one more day. as long as he wasnt suffering. oh and we went from animal insulin to people insulin as well. i have a new found respect for people that live with diabetes. it is not easy to live with this disease. i understand the shock, as my little fred was given a thumbs up the day before he died. his doctors thought he was on the mend, only to have to make the decision to end it hours later.

mouses mom, you did everything in your power to keep your baby alive. there isnt absolutely anything you should feel guilty about. you gave her such a loving and wonderful home. i know how hard it is right now and i wish i could give you a specific time when you wont feel sad anymore, but i cant. but i will say this. im so glad to be a part of a group of people who consider their pets family and who love so deeply. you are a very special person. you have a huge heart thats broken, but time will heal the wound. what helped me was to build a little memorial. i have pictures beside her little bowl. i also kept her needles and an empty bottle of his insulin and although it sounds wierd, it soothes my heart everytime i walk by it. mouses is watching over you.
you are in my thoughts and prayers, patricia

[I miss mouses]

I miss you Mouses. I can't stand this anymore! Driving myself crazy with needing to see you. Why can't you just be on the bed? I love you my sweetheart. I love you, I love you, I love you...

[elliot's mom]

Mouses's mom,

You have expressed in raw terms what we all feel. I want Mouses back also, and my dear sweet Elliot. I simply cannot accept that he's gone. He was always here. Whenever I went away, the first thing I did on returning was call for Elliot. He appeared, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I am filled with regrets, what ifs, and if onlys regarding his last days. What good can come of that? It won't bring him back. But all I want is to have him back. There is no other cat that could possibly ever replace him. He was unique, as was your Mouses. I had plans for Elliot and me. He was going to move with me and embark on a new life. I had so many images of him in the car with me traveling on to a new destination. There was no thought of a new home without him in mind, and I had certain conditions that would appeal to him.

Now I am lost. Not having him here to climb over me at night makes me resist going to bed. Not seeing him climb onto or into one of his cardboard boxes makes me now hate boxes. Elliot was a box cat. I have so many pictures of him in all kinds of boxes and baskets, but I cannot look at them now. It causes too much pain. I simply do not know how to go on without him. He was my one true friend. I miss him beyond comprehension. This cannot give you comfort other than to know that the extreme pain and longing you feel is shared by others.

All I want is my Elliot, and all you want is your Mouses. They are both at peace, while we are not. I don't know how we are to get over missing them. Time is the only answer. You did nothing wrong. Their time had come, and we just have to find a way to accept it. They would want that for us.

Yours in shared grieving,
Elliot's mom