Feeling Worse 3 Months Later? Options

[kanecutter]

Just wondering if anyone else out there has had this happen. I had my dog euthanized on Feb. 4, 2009. It was Kidney Desease, I was so devastated I could not stay in my own skin in my home for about 3 weeks. Could not bear her absence. She was what I lived for, I guess. Now over 3 months later, I am backsliding and feeling even worse. But this time nothing helps. No people, no going out shopping, no walking...all old coping mechanisms that I used when she first died don't work this time at all.
Does anyone else feel this bad even after more than 3 months? I got a therapist because I just could not deal with the pain alone any longer. She's someone to talk to but still....feel like dying. Can't seem to find anything worth living for without my girl.
Please let me know if anyone else felt this way. Or, else I think I may be losing my mind.

thank you!

[AngelCareOne]

DEAREST PAULA, PLEASE PARDON USED OF ALL CAP LETTERS. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...

I'M SO SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO RESPOND AND I'LL ANSWER EACH THOUGHT ONE AT A TIME. HERE GOES ...

YOU: Oh, Dottie, you are so kind. The lyrics are so sweet, but I blow by them because reading them is too darn painful. What is wrong with me?

ME: I'M SO SORRY, SWEET PAULA. HEY, THAT SONG TEARS ME UP AS WELL, I OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN BETTER. HUGS!!! AS FAR AS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR REACTION AND FEELINGS ARE NORMAL AND VALIDATED. YOU'RE FEELING GOSH AWFUL GRIEF AND YOUR DISABILITIES MAKE EVEN TRYING TO COPE WITH THAT GRIEF, PAIN AND LONELINESS FAR MORE DIFFICULT. ALSO YOU FEEL GREAT SORROW FOR ALL THE BAD THAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FUR KID BEFORE YOU CHOSE TO BE HER MOMMY AND DID ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS FOR HER THAT YOU DID DO. IN ADDITION, YOU LIVED TO CATER TO HER NEEDS AND DESIRES EVEN TO THE POINT OF CREATING THAT AWESOME HAVEN FOR HER AFTER WHICH SHE SOON CROSSED OVER TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE AND YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO ENJOY YOUR PLANNED RETIREMENT WITH HER. YES, PAULA, ALL YOU'RE FEELING IS MOST UNDERSTANDABLE. HUGS!!!

YOU: I think I am going to definitely do foster care for a beagle rescue here. Everyone who knows me says I should not do it. It is too soon and I seem unusually obsessed with helping little old beagles that suffered like Bea.

ME: PAULA, IT'S NOT AN OBSESSION. IT'S A WONDERFUL CALLING AND SERVICE TO PROVIDE A HOME, LOVE AND CARE FOR THESE FUR KIDS IN NEED. PLEASE READ THE MEMBER'S POST HERE AND MY RESPONSES ...

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=5332

AS YOU CAN SEE, I CERTAINLY DO UNDERSTAND THE GREAT BOND AND LOVE YOU FEEL FOR YOUR RESCUED BEAGLES AND I FEEL THE VERY SAME FOR THOSE DOGS I'VE RESCUED. I JUST LOOK AT IT A BIT DIFFERENTLY. IT'S MY JOB AS WELL AS HUGE DESIRE TO MAKE CERTAIN THESE ABUSED, NEGLECTED FUR KIDS HAVE THE VERY BEST OF LOVE AND CARE SO THEY CAN LIVE OUT THE REST OF THEIR DAYS WITH AS MUCH JOY AS I CAN POSSIBLY PROVIDE TO THEM. BUT ...

YOU: They say I am displacing my emotions and will be in worse shape. I feel the need to do it yet am thinking, no, I want Bea, I must have little Bea. Why did I rush to euthanize her? So guilty for not waiting longer.

ME: ... BUT IT IS SO DREADFULLY HARD AS HECK TO EUTHANIZE THESE SPECIAL FUR KIDS AS IT IS WITH ALL OF OUR FUR KIDS. GREYHOUNDS USUALLY LIVE TO AROUND 9 YEARS OLD AT WHICH TIME MOST OF THEM DEVELOP CANCER IN THEIR FRONT HAUNCHES AND MUST BE RELEASED FROM THEIR PAIN. THE VET I SAW WHO SPECIALIZES IN GREYHOUNDS TOLD ME THIS AND WAS AMAZED THAT MAIDEN HAD MADE IT TO 13 YEARS OLD. PLUS, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THIS VET HAD SEEN CANCER IN A GREYHOUND'S JAW INSTEAD OF THE FRONT HAUNCHES. THE SURGICAL OPTION WAS TO REMOVE MAIDEN'S LOWER JAW ...

NO, I WOULD NOT DO THAT TO HER. SHE HAD LIVED FIVE MORE YEARS THAN NORMAL LIFE SPAN, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN PAIN AND NEEDED TO BE FED BY UNUSUAL MEANS AND THERE WAS LITTLE HOPE THAT THE SURGERY WOULD EVEN BE SUCCESSFUL IN GETTING RID OF ALL THE CANCER WHICH MEANS IT WOULD METASTASIZE AND MY FUR KID WOULD SUFFER SOMETHING FIERCE. I TRIED TO CARE FOR HER WITH VALIUM AND COAX HER INTO DRINKING AND EATING SOFT FOODS. BUT, SHE WAS SUFFERING BADLY. POOR KENNY, MY LATE HUSBAND, HAD TO LEAVE THE VET EXAM ROOM AND COULD NOT HELP MAIDEN DURING THE INJECTION. I STAYED AND DID HEP HER. STILL, IT TOOK THE VET AND TWO TECHS TO LOVINGLY AND GENTLY PULL ME AWAY FROM HUGGING MAIDEN ONCE SHE WAS GONE ...

YOU SEE? I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE EITHER. I HAD PREPARED KENNY IN ADVANCE AFTER MAIDEN'S DIAGNOSIS AND WHILE SHE WAS SILL ALIVE BY TAKING HIM TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY IN THE NEXT CITY OVER WHERE THEY OFFERED GREYHOUND ADOPTION. THAT'S WHERE WE FOUND TRADER DOG. POOR KENNY WAS SO TERRIBLY SAD AND UPSET THAT I WENT THE VERY NEXT DAY AND GOT TRADER AS A SURPRISE FOR KENNY WHILE HE WAS AT WORK. I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN KENNY WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AND TRADER DOG RAN TO HIM WITH TAIL WAGGING TO GREET HIM. BOTH OF THEM WERE ELATED! PLUS, I HAD HONORED MAIDEN'S MEMORY BY RESCUING ANOTHER GREYHOUND WHICH ALSO HAPPENED TO BE BRINDLE IN COLOR ...

OF COURSE, YOU WANT BEA. {{{{{HUG}}}}} AND YOU DID DO THE RIGHT THING IN NOT WAITING TO EUTHANIZE HER. YOU DID WHAT WAS BEST FOR HER. PERHAPS NOT BEST FOR YOU BUT WE CANNOT ALWAYS AFFORD OURSELVES THE TIME WE WANT SO BADLY TO SAY GOOD-BYE. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU DID INDEED DO THE RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME. HONESTLY, YOU DID.

MY ADVISE TO YOU REGARDING BEAGLE FOSTER CARE IS YES. BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE PHYSICALLY ABLE DUE TO YOU INJURIES AND IF YOU CAN SOMEHOW, SOME WAY KNOW WHAT A WONDERFUL CALLING THIS IS TO TAKE ON THE LABOR OF LOVE TO MAKE IT YOUR PURPOSE SHOWING YOUR RESCUED BEAGLE THE BEST OF LOVE AND CARE GIVEN THE UNIQUE NEEDS AND DESIRES OF YOUR FOSTER FUR KID.

CAN YOU DO THAT, PAULA? IF SO, THEN KNOW THAT YOU ALSO HONOR THE MEMORY OF YOUR BELOVED BEA BY DOING THE SAME FOR ANOTHER FUR KID IN NEED CUZ YOU ARE A TERRIFIC FUR KID MOMMY!!! NEVER FORGET THAT.

I WISH YOU AND BEA PEACE!!!



BIG COMFORTING HUGS!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PLEASE PARDON ALL TYPOS AND MORE HUGS!!!