I Miss My Little Guy... Options

[jharbeck]

I have posted in hear before about my little 1 1/2 year old cat Bartelbee when he was diagnosed with dry FIP. I guess I just am sitting here lonely, really missing his cute little face. On Monday of last week his disease finally took over his body. For a month I watched him go from wobbling while he walked to only being able to move his front legs. On Monday morning he couldn’t even raise his head. The Bartelbee light had gone from his eyes. It was the hardest thing I had ever done letting him go. Holding him as he stopped breathing with his little head that had given me so many nuzzles laid in my hand. I couldn’t even see him clearly due to the tears in my eyes. Through my grief, and my tears, I was still able to let him know that it was ok he could let go and that I loved him.

I have three other cats but Bartelbee was my special little guy. I volunteer at a shelter and about a year ago 4 kittens were dumped at there backdoor. One of those kittens was Bartelbee. He was scared and shy but after months of loving him he came out of his shell…we truly bonded. I knew we couldn’t be without each other and as soon as I could I brought him home to be a part of the family. I never wanted four cats but I couldn’t be without him.

So many nights he would snuggle up and sleep on my chest with his little purr going. He would follow me wherever I went. All he wanted was to be near me. He would rub his face against mine anytime I was close. Half the time his forehead was covered in my make-up. He never seemed to mind. I didn’t know that a cat could love as much as Bartelbee did. How can I go on without that?

I feel like I am missing part of myself. I have an empty hole in my heart. I was so strong for him while he was sick but now that I don’t have him anymore I feel broken. I lost the most precious thing in my life and there is nothing I can do about it. When he was sick we would lay next to each other with our foreheads touching and I would just talk to him. My voice always seemed to relax him. I would tell him that I wish I could take this disease from him and fight it myself, that I would do anything to make him better. I guess I just don’t know how to deal with this…to deal with losing him. My home seems empty without my little guy.

[jharbeck]

At the end of this month it would of been the year anniversary of when we made Bartelbee a official member of our family. I still miss him everyday and his never far from my mind.

Sometimes I get sad thinking about how much I miss him, sometimes I'm mad that I had to loss him when we had such a long life ahead of us, but mostly I just think about how lucky I was to know an amazing little cat called Bartelbee. I remember the ways he would make me laugh and how content I was when he fell asleep purring on my chest.

I know how much these next few months will be hard. That the warm days will remind me even more of our time together.
And as the days get closer to August it will stir up memories of our last month together, spending every moment by his side, taking off work, not leaving the house, just so I could be there for him. Of sleeping close to him in case he needed a hand to the litter box, setting my alarm every 2 hours to feed him, watching him weaken moment to moment, wishing I could do something, anything, to make him better. Those moments were the hardest of my life but I wouldn't take any one of them back because it was the least I could do after everything he gave to me.

I still go to the shelter every week and work with the kitties. The staff are wonderful and the friends I have made are all supportive. They all know what an unusual cat Bartelbee was. That he was remarkable, so out going, loving of other animals, playful, very affectionate, and not afraid of anything. They watched as everyday I came in he would get so excited and follow me around waiting for me to pick him up. They knew how much I wanted to bring him home even though I had 3 cats already and that I couldn't live without him. The staff helped me realize that dream and make him a member of my family.

Maybe one day I will find another kitty I can't live without but I don't think I will ever find another Bartelbee.

The next few months will be hard, so many sad memories will want to surface. But I'm going to try to think about the good time. The moments that I will forever treasure. And hope with all my might that one day I will see my little guy again.