Unprepared, Unprepared for sudden illness and death Options

[Bronte's Mom]

Hi, I'm knew here and thank-you all for sharing your stories. My baby was ill, unbeknownst to me. Sun Oct 24th I noticed Bronte did not look herself. After visiting the vet, she was found to have an abdomen full of fluid. She had lost 7 lbs from her normal weight, however, it was hard to see from the fluid swelling her body. She never kept a normal eating routine and liked to eat from my roomate's cat's bowl, so I never knew that she had stopped eating. They found some sort of growth, I learned after was a cyst, growing on her liver. Multiple tests were run thet led her to her surgery on Sat Oct 30th. I missed all the signs. Bronte seemed herself until that first vet visit. After enduring multiple needles to drain fluid from her abdomen, and me force feeding her, she slowly deteriorated. She could barely walk, would not purr, and her vocalisation had changed. By Sat. I was convinced that surgery would save her. They held her surgery on Friday because she was too weak. Then Saturday morning rushed her procedure because she was rapidly declining now. She was dehydrated, could not maintain her blood pressure, or her temperature. She was 10-12 degrees cooler than she should have been. Afterwards she went into cardiac arrest twice, before I was able to make it to her side. I was told that mentally she was not recovering as she should have. Something else was going on other than a cyst. Her brain was affected. 6 days after I first noticed something was wrong, I had to have her put to sleep. I didn't even get to hold her for a few minutes before she began to have respiratory failure again, and the euthanasia shots had to be rushed. I held her and cried afterwards, unable to believe she was gone and feeling guilt that I couldn't do more. Also I felt immense guilt that I selfishly let her suffer as long as I did, not knowing that something was wrong, and letting her undergo surgery then life saving attempts of CPR. I'm still in denial. I expect her to come running out from under my bed (her favorite hiding place). I can't sleep with the bedroom closed, because she always needed it open to come and go as she pleased. And I keep her shampoo bottle in my room so I can remember how she smelled. Little Bronte was 12 years old. She outlasted most of my jobs, 99% of my boyfriends, and 5 residences. I can't even fathom having another cat after her loss. Now to make matters worse, a tech at the vet's office reportedly got bit so they have to send her remains to the county vet to test her brain tissue for rabies. I'll have to wait 3 additional weeks before she will be returned home to me. People look at me strangely for being so devastated by her death. But as far as I'm concerned she was my child. Does this pain get better? Thanks for listening. I'll try to get a picture of her posted soon.

[CheriAnn]

Hi Bronte's Mom,

Welcome! I am SO, SO sorry about your precious Bronte's sudden death. I feel SO connected to you!!! I came to this forum on October 3rd with almost the same story as you. In fact, my post was titled "Does It Ever Get Better?"

I had a "daughter" and "best friend" that was close to turning 12 years old, that I had to "put to rest" suddenly. Rachael (a black labrador) seemed very healthy to us. She had started developing arthritis and did move slower when she got up and down. Her appetite had slowed down, but we had just started her on arthritis medication and blamed that for her decrease in appetite.

Then, one Tuesday night, when we got home from work, she wouldn't eat at all. She didn't eat her breakfast and wouldn't eat her dinner. She seemed to be moving even slower than "usual". We took her to the vet. We were horrified to discover after blood tests, that her cell count was extremely low and indicated internal bleeding. We tried medications, hoping it was an ulcer, but feared it was cancer. By Thursday, when she only got worse, we knew our worst fear had come true, and it was from cancer. By Saturday morning she couldn't stand up, wouldn't eat or drink and her breathing was louder, like she was struggling. I had to take her the vet that morning, on October 2nd. We only had 4 days to realize she was very sick, watch her go downhill SUPER fast, and let her go.

Just like you, I struggled with extreme guilt! I kept blaming myself for not discovering earlier how sick she was. I kept telling myself that I could have saved her life if I had known earlier. She was SO strong for us, that she never showed how sick she really was, until she became so weak she couldn't hide it.

What you are feeling is normal, though. I totally understand the shock and disbelief you are feeling now. Please forgive yourself, though! You didn't do anything wrong. Your precious Bronte was like my Rachael, they stayed strong and devoted for us, right up until the end. You certainly couldn't have known just how sick she had gotten, until she could no longer hide it. As soon as you realized she was sick, you took her right to the vet. Just like us, you did the VERY best for her that you could. There is NO way to ever get any answers to the questions we have about saving them if only..... So, for your peace of mind, you have to accept that Bronte got sick and you and the vet did the very best you could.

Your Bronte is no longer suffering now. She knows how much you love her and that you took the very best care of her. You gave her a WONDERFUL 12 years! Take comfort that she never had to know the pain of starving or sleeping in the streets because of your love.

Finally, to answer your question about getting better, yes it will. I know everyone in here told me it would get better too and I just didn't know it ever could. But it's been 4 weeks and 5 days, and I can get through the days without crying as much. Oh, I still hurt and I still cry, but the healing is starting now.

I know these wonderful and special friends in here will give you much better advice than I can, but I just wanted to let you know that there is someone else here that felt the same way you do now, and I AM getting better, just like you will. Time frames vary for each person, but I promise you it will get better with time. I believe that the sooner we forgive ourselves and stop asking the "What if..." questions, the real healing will start. The pain and loss is already SO hard to deal with. We don't need to beat ourselves up with guilt on top of all that too.

Big hugs for you!
Cheri