Lost And Empty With My Boy Options

[rottimum]

I had to have my best friend put dwon on sunday night, Jasper was a rottweiler, and so not like what everyone thinks when they hear that breed, I had him for only a short time 3 years would be 4 tomorrow as it is his birthday, and I guess that makes it even harder. The only places I would go with out him was to work and the doctors. We were always together! And now I am always alone. I am not dealing with any of this well I cry constantly, I hurt all over, cant sleep cant eat. And my family dont understand. They told me I babied him too much, well I guess I did, but he was mine all mine and I could do that.Even as I sit here and try to explain to anyone or noone how I feel and try to tell anyone how great he was, I just cant, its way to painful for me. You can not imagine how it felt to come home on sunday and find that my boy was NOT at the door to greet me, to give me a kiss and then rub nnoses like I taught him to-granted not many strangers wanted to kiss and rub noses with a rottie. I was horrified to see he couldnt move his back end; as I was only gone 8 hours; I carried him to my truck and laid him in the back seat-no easy task for a female with a male rottie going 145lbs. But I did, and to have the er vet tell me after the longest 2 hours of my life, that he blew out both knees in his rear legs, and that even with surgery they cant promise he would fully use them ever again, and then asked me if I lived in a ranch style home, nope an older two story home with steps in and out. They said he would never make using the steps with both legs having to get done, since he blew them both out, knowing he couldnt get around as he was I had to make a decision, and now I am sorry I didnt just carry him back home and I could of carried him to potty everyday. After all he did for me, I was in a bad place when I bought him with the hopes of having something to keep my mind busy, WOW did he, he turned alot of things around for me. He loved the snow and the summer to be in his pool, as I would garden or cut grass or just lay on the sidewalk as I sat on the swing! He gave me so much and yet I feel like I let him down. I was with him while he was put down, I laid on the floor right next to him, like we would when we were at home, and I held him and I cried and cried. And if that was not bad enough to try to deal with all that sunday night, I called off work the next day cuz i knew there was no way I could deal with plus I was to pick up his ashes, well while I was gone for his ashes my job called me, stupid me in my emotional mess I didnt lie when I called off work, and yes I stupidly told the truth, and yep they fired me! I was not a person to call of work, as I had a rottie who loved to eat and loved his treats; so I guess oh heck I dont know what I am trying to explain I am just so lost that i am pretty sure non of this makes any sense at all. I am sorry for taking anyone's time up!
However thank you for the space to try and explain how I feel and what I am going through!

Jasper's mom

[rottimum]

My Dearest Jasper;

Mommie is in the process of making some really hard decisions, and I so could use your guidance right now! As my life seems to be falling apart at a rapid rate! I dont think I could hit any lower than where I am right now! I so need you by me so I could take you for a walk and we could talk, like we always used to! Bless your heart you would want to run, and I would start talking to you, and you would slow your pace down to keep up with me and listen! I really miss that right now! As I so need it! And I have noone I could talk to! No one would tell me I am right or wrong! Maybe I got to use to you always being there for me, and listening when I needed someone, and always acting like you cared! Sweetie, I so need your little face right now! I am an emotional mess. But I guess if you are watching over me you already know that!

There is a lady on the board here that may have found her parrot, honey watch over her parrot and help her find him. And pray that it is him and she will be with him again! How I wish you were lost and I could find you! But I know I wont find you till we meet in heaven at the rainbow bridge!
I so look forward to that and want that I wish it would be right now! Oh what I would give to be with you right now so I could lay with you and play with you, and do what ever you may be doing up there in heaven! I so hope you are with my dad and my grandpa, and they are spoiling you, like you could get any more spoiled then I made you!

Nothing is the same without you, I cook and its no good, cuz eI have no one to share my supper with, I have your plate and I long to put food on it, and just watch you, eat it and then come over to me like I forgot about you and supper! You sure did think you were pulling something over on me but I knew! And I didnt care! Please come and visit me in my dreams when I am lucky enough to sleep!

I love you my SweetPea, my honey pot, and take notice I didnt call you the word you didnt like! Even though you will ALways be all of those cute words I used to call you, and oh how I so miss the looks you used to give me when I did it!

I miss you Baby Man; all my Love, Hugs and Kisses, Mommie xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox