Lost And Empty With My Boy Options

[rottimum]

I had to have my best friend put dwon on sunday night, Jasper was a rottweiler, and so not like what everyone thinks when they hear that breed, I had him for only a short time 3 years would be 4 tomorrow as it is his birthday, and I guess that makes it even harder. The only places I would go with out him was to work and the doctors. We were always together! And now I am always alone. I am not dealing with any of this well I cry constantly, I hurt all over, cant sleep cant eat. And my family dont understand. They told me I babied him too much, well I guess I did, but he was mine all mine and I could do that.Even as I sit here and try to explain to anyone or noone how I feel and try to tell anyone how great he was, I just cant, its way to painful for me. You can not imagine how it felt to come home on sunday and find that my boy was NOT at the door to greet me, to give me a kiss and then rub nnoses like I taught him to-granted not many strangers wanted to kiss and rub noses with a rottie. I was horrified to see he couldnt move his back end; as I was only gone 8 hours; I carried him to my truck and laid him in the back seat-no easy task for a female with a male rottie going 145lbs. But I did, and to have the er vet tell me after the longest 2 hours of my life, that he blew out both knees in his rear legs, and that even with surgery they cant promise he would fully use them ever again, and then asked me if I lived in a ranch style home, nope an older two story home with steps in and out. They said he would never make using the steps with both legs having to get done, since he blew them both out, knowing he couldnt get around as he was I had to make a decision, and now I am sorry I didnt just carry him back home and I could of carried him to potty everyday. After all he did for me, I was in a bad place when I bought him with the hopes of having something to keep my mind busy, WOW did he, he turned alot of things around for me. He loved the snow and the summer to be in his pool, as I would garden or cut grass or just lay on the sidewalk as I sat on the swing! He gave me so much and yet I feel like I let him down. I was with him while he was put down, I laid on the floor right next to him, like we would when we were at home, and I held him and I cried and cried. And if that was not bad enough to try to deal with all that sunday night, I called off work the next day cuz i knew there was no way I could deal with plus I was to pick up his ashes, well while I was gone for his ashes my job called me, stupid me in my emotional mess I didnt lie when I called off work, and yes I stupidly told the truth, and yep they fired me! I was not a person to call of work, as I had a rottie who loved to eat and loved his treats; so I guess oh heck I dont know what I am trying to explain I am just so lost that i am pretty sure non of this makes any sense at all. I am sorry for taking anyone's time up!
However thank you for the space to try and explain how I feel and what I am going through!

Jasper's mom

[rottimum]

My dear sweet boy;

I took your food down the the ASPCA; they were very happy for it! I guess they saw the sorrow in my eyes and asked me if I needed to talk, so I told them a bit about you and since I took that huge box of new raw hides down to them , they asked me if I wanted to give them out with one of the workers there, and I said I would like to try! Well I gave all those sweet faces one, crying all the way thur, a few gave me kisses which made me cry even more over missing you! I dont see how their mommies or/and daddies could do that to them, or how they couldnt/didnt want the love, friendship,and compassion of their dog! It did me in, I cried all the way home and then laid on the couch and cried even more!

And yet I remember when the day I yelled at you and I am sorry, but it really was MY bath water, that was why I was laying the tub of water. But then I am sorry for yelling at you, cuz I didnt close the door all the way, and you always did lay in the bathroom while I showered. As I sit here now and think of that day, I was so sore, from digging up the garden, and pulling weeds, and then rough housing with you, all I could think about was laying in hot water! And You my sweet boy wanted to be with me, and thought it was YOUR bath water! I try everyday to think of all the good times we had together, and all the times you made me laugh, or smile, and it brings me to tears! Now who will go up grammies with me to watch dancing with the stars with her, and get up and try to dance with grammy when she says "you and I are going on that show"!!

I wish I video taped everyminute I had with you! So I could watch them over and over again! Having only memories right now seems so unfair! It is really hard going on with out YOU! It really hurts so badly I cant even put the pain into words.

I miss you and love you very much! You are forever MY SWEETPEA!!!!!!!! Luv, Mommy xoxoxoxo