Lost And Empty With My Boy Options

[rottimum]

I had to have my best friend put dwon on sunday night, Jasper was a rottweiler, and so not like what everyone thinks when they hear that breed, I had him for only a short time 3 years would be 4 tomorrow as it is his birthday, and I guess that makes it even harder. The only places I would go with out him was to work and the doctors. We were always together! And now I am always alone. I am not dealing with any of this well I cry constantly, I hurt all over, cant sleep cant eat. And my family dont understand. They told me I babied him too much, well I guess I did, but he was mine all mine and I could do that.Even as I sit here and try to explain to anyone or noone how I feel and try to tell anyone how great he was, I just cant, its way to painful for me. You can not imagine how it felt to come home on sunday and find that my boy was NOT at the door to greet me, to give me a kiss and then rub nnoses like I taught him to-granted not many strangers wanted to kiss and rub noses with a rottie. I was horrified to see he couldnt move his back end; as I was only gone 8 hours; I carried him to my truck and laid him in the back seat-no easy task for a female with a male rottie going 145lbs. But I did, and to have the er vet tell me after the longest 2 hours of my life, that he blew out both knees in his rear legs, and that even with surgery they cant promise he would fully use them ever again, and then asked me if I lived in a ranch style home, nope an older two story home with steps in and out. They said he would never make using the steps with both legs having to get done, since he blew them both out, knowing he couldnt get around as he was I had to make a decision, and now I am sorry I didnt just carry him back home and I could of carried him to potty everyday. After all he did for me, I was in a bad place when I bought him with the hopes of having something to keep my mind busy, WOW did he, he turned alot of things around for me. He loved the snow and the summer to be in his pool, as I would garden or cut grass or just lay on the sidewalk as I sat on the swing! He gave me so much and yet I feel like I let him down. I was with him while he was put down, I laid on the floor right next to him, like we would when we were at home, and I held him and I cried and cried. And if that was not bad enough to try to deal with all that sunday night, I called off work the next day cuz i knew there was no way I could deal with plus I was to pick up his ashes, well while I was gone for his ashes my job called me, stupid me in my emotional mess I didnt lie when I called off work, and yes I stupidly told the truth, and yep they fired me! I was not a person to call of work, as I had a rottie who loved to eat and loved his treats; so I guess oh heck I dont know what I am trying to explain I am just so lost that i am pretty sure non of this makes any sense at all. I am sorry for taking anyone's time up!
However thank you for the space to try and explain how I feel and what I am going through!

Jasper's mom

[rottimum]

Well Little man; I am home I went job hunting, only to be told sorry we arent hiring now, but will let you put in an application in!

I took a ride also past your birth parents house, and they were outside!!! I actually gathered up the courage to knock on the door, and was welcomed with open arms! Told them about you, and what happened, and they cried along with me, however your mommy is is ill and will be joining you soon; so no more babies for her! Actually they told me you and borthers and sisters were her last litter! Welcome her when she comes home! And give her a big kiss for me as my way of saying thank you for such a wonderful son!

I came home defeated and usually when I feel this way you would drag your blankie to me, and lay down on the couch with me, since I dont have you I dont know what to do to make me feel ok. I have all your dog food and canned food here that I have been trying to decide what to do with it; I think I am gonna donate it to the local ASPCA in your name! I think you would like that, just dont know how easy it will be for me to walk in there!

I need to see your smile right now, so I can feel ok! I miss those kisses, and my god I miss cleaning your ears, and then having to lay down so you can "check" my ears! The silly games we used to play! I did find a special container for your toothbrush! And I was most happy with myself over that.

Jasper our time together was way to short! But I have been THANKING GOD for putting you in my life! The joy and happiness you gave me. I just dont think I will ever be able to make peanut butter cookies again, who is gonna taste the done ones to make sure they are OK!

YOU are my shinning star! The very best thing that ever happened to me, I am grateful to you for your love, compassion when I needed it, your wonderful listening skills; even though you wanted to play tug of war, and most of all for YOU being the most WONDERFUL YOU that YOU can be!!

I miss you, I love you; Always and Forever, Mommy xoxoxoxoxo