I Am So Very Sad Options

[Jules02]

My story is long so please bare with me. I rescued my dog, Roman from the highway in May of 2004. He had ticks and fleas all over him. I found him in my home town visiting my mother. I took him to the police station and they said more than likey the animal control would put him to sleep. He became my dog that day!! I brought him to OKC where I live and took him to the vet to get him cleaned up and looked at. He had 2 tick blood diseases from being out on his own for so long. There were ticks all over him even between his toes. They gave antibiotics and we got started on heart worm prevention. They guessed he was 2 years old by looking at his teeth. They also determined he was half black lab and half ##er spaniel. He is sooooo cute. He weighed only 30 pounds when I found him and before he passed he was at least 55 pounds where he should be. I brought him home and he became the best dog, best friend anyone could ask for. I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again. He was my shadow. I believe when you rescue a dog they know how lucky they are to have a home. He was so loyal and loving. Never once did he have an accident in the house. He only growled and barked when someone was around the house. Protecting me like only Roman could. (I named him Roman because he was roaming around when I found him....lol!) I got married in Nov 2005 to a wonderful man that Roman became to love just as much as I did. We discussed starting a family even tho Roman was our son and we treated him like he was. I became pregnant in late March of 2008. I found out I was excpecting twins. We were overjoyed and hoped Roman would love them as much as we would when they came. I ended up having some complications in my pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for 4 months before I delivered in Nov 08. Roman was at my side day and night. He slept with my husband and I anyway but, when I went on bedrest he would not leave my side except to go do his business outside. I know he knew I was pregnant! Fast forward to the babies coming home. I had a boy and a girl. My son had colic for the first 2 months and cried all the time. It drove us all crazy and I think it really made Roman nuts. He still cries but not as much as before. Roman has been fine and in good health I thought. We started our daily walks back up last week. He was fine. He did not show any sign of being sick. I woke up at 7am on 2/11 and Roman as usual was on our bed. I got up and went to the babies room and came back into the hall and saw Roman's legs buckle under neath him and he collapsed. He was dead instantly. I still have NO idea what happened. I was screaming my head off and begging God to not take him. I called my vet and they said it was more than likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I said no. I did not want him cut open. I pulled myself together enough to find a pet cementary and that is where he is. We got a beautiful casket. I cannot understand WHY this happened. He was fine. The only thing I can think of is the night before we had some terrible weather and tornadoes. He hated storms and always hid and shook all over. I feel so much guilt that I could not comfort him like I wanted to. I have 2 babies to take care of and Roman always seemed to be third. I feel sooooo guilty right now. I now he hated the babies crying. He was my first child and he was spoiled. I know he was sad that he was not first anymore. It makes no sense to me that this has happened. Why so soon after the babies came home. I was so looking forward to them growing up with him. He was my world. I have become so depressed that my mom has taken off work to come here to help me with the babies. I do not feel like doing anything. I see and think I hear Roman all over the house. I am still in shock and I have been wearing his collar around my wrist. I cannot quit crying. I have read alot of the posts on this board and they have been so comforting. I hope I can come here and feel some sort of peace and comfort from all of you and try to put my life back together again. I just started a new normal with the babies and now I have to find another new normal without my Roman. It is too much too soon. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss my Roman dearly and just want him to come back home. Thank you for listening to my story.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Jules02, I am just being able to get caught up on your posts. I wish to add my support to what others have already shared with you - - Roman did not die because you neglected him. Roman did not die because you now have two precious human babies in your household. Roman died suddenly because of a very sudden medical event that happens to people, too. And as Ann has so eloquently shared with you, there is NEVER enough time with our beloved companions on this side of eternity - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them. Unfortunately they, too, have physical bodies that are subject to the same medical challenges that human bodies are. Guilt is a stage of grief that we ALL go through as a result of a loss - - it is a very painful stage to process and move beyond. For whatever it is worth to you, clinical studies have proven that the brain "saves" the memory of a traumatic event and then "replays" that traumatic event over and over again. The more traumatic the "event" is the more the brain will "replay" the event. Witnessing your beloved Roman's death was a very traumatic event for you. The memory of where he died also is part of the trauma. It is a "vision" that your brain has not yet processed and is therefore not allowing you to emotionally begin the healing journey of losing Roman's sweet physical presence with you. There are some things you can try to physically change the area where Roman died that may help you to focus differently. For instance, can you place a table in the hallway in the vicinity where Roman died and cover it with a table cloth that will let your eyes and mind focus on the design of the table cloth - - maybe put a vase of dried flowers - - or fresh flowers - - on the table. Or - - could you hang a picture on the wall that will draw your attention away from the floor and spot where Roman died and have you focus on something "pleasing" to the brain. I know this may sound off the wall, but it is a matter of re-training your brain to stop "playing" the traumatic event of Roman's death. This is a technique that is used with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt patients - - I know from first-hand experience from being in an automobile collision several years ago that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally, and caused the death of my mom. And I totally agree with Flossie's Mom - - Roman wants you to focus your energies on your precious twins and be happy with them. I know this is going to take time for you to understand but I will say it just the same: Roman's sweet living Spirit is still with you -- he has not left you. You will always have his sweet Spirit in your heart and your memories, and this can never be taken away from you. His legacy to you is to focus on taking care of your human family now which you can do freely without having any guilt or sorrow. His sweet precious Spirit is right beside you helping you with your twins and sharing everything that is taking place in his family - - for you will always and forever be his family. Jules, I hope what I have shared with you will be helpful to you in some way. This grief heaing journey is both physically and emotionally painful, but hopefully by now you know you are not alone. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Jules02]

Hi, Jules02, I am just being able to get caught up on your posts. I wish to add my support to what others have already shared with you - - Roman did not die because you neglected him. Roman did not die because you now have two precious human babies in your household. Roman died suddenly because of a very sudden medical event that happens to people, too. And as Ann has so eloquently shared with you, there is NEVER enough time with our beloved companions on this side of eternity - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them. Unfortunately they, too, have physical bodies that are subject to the same medical challenges that human bodies are. Guilt is a stage of grief that we ALL go through as a result of a loss - - it is a very painful stage to process and move beyond. For whatever it is worth to you, clinical studies have proven that the brain "saves" the memory of a traumatic event and then "replays" that traumatic event over and over again. The more traumatic the "event" is the more the brain will "replay" the event. Witnessing your beloved Roman's death was a very traumatic event for you. The memory of where he died also is part of the trauma. It is a "vision" that your brain has not yet processed and is therefore not allowing you to emotionally begin the healing journey of losing Roman's sweet physical presence with you. There are some things you can try to physically change the area where Roman died that may help you to focus differently. For instance, can you place a table in the hallway in the vicinity where Roman died and cover it with a table cloth that will let your eyes and mind focus on the design of the table cloth - - maybe put a vase of dried flowers - - or fresh flowers - - on the table. Or - - could you hang a picture on the wall that will draw your attention away from the floor and spot where Roman died and have you focus on something "pleasing" to the brain. I know this may sound off the wall, but it is a matter of re-training your brain to stop "playing" the traumatic event of Roman's death. This is a technique that is used with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt patients - - I know from first-hand experience from being in an automobile collision several years ago that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally, and caused the death of my mom. And I totally agree with Flossie's Mom - - Roman wants you to focus your energies on your precious twins and be happy with them. I know this is going to take time for you to understand but I will say it just the same: Roman's sweet living Spirit is still with you -- he has not left you. You will always have his sweet Spirit in your heart and your memories, and this can never be taken away from you. His legacy to you is to focus on taking care of your human family now which you can do freely without having any guilt or sorrow. His sweet precious Spirit is right beside you helping you with your twins and sharing everything that is taking place in his family - - for you will always and forever be his family. Jules, I hope what I have shared with you will be helpful to you in some way. This grief heaing journey is both physically and emotionally painful, but hopefully by now you know you are not alone. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_Beam,

Thank you for sharing your knowledge on survivor guilt. I am very sorry about the automobile accident and your mom. Did that happen recently? I know that was not an easy thing to go through and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I do feel Roman's presence with me. It is weird. I do feel some peace. I still cry and miss him so very much but, I feel him here in this house and even thought I heard him last night walking up the stairs. I know that sounds crazy but, it makes me feel better to think that just maybe Roman's spirit is here. I cannot do anything where Roman passed in the hall. It simply is right in the middle and I could not put a table or anything there. You know I was thinking that I am starting to think that he waited for me to come around the corner to see him before he left us. I do not know what I would have done had I not seen him collapse. If I would have came even a sec later I would never have known what had happened to him and that would have haunted me more NOT knowing. I hope that makes sense. I would have gone crazy wondering how long he had been there even if it was minutes.......but, seeing it as traumatic as it was I know he died quickly and was in no pain.