I Am So Very Sad Options

[Jules02]

My story is long so please bare with me. I rescued my dog, Roman from the highway in May of 2004. He had ticks and fleas all over him. I found him in my home town visiting my mother. I took him to the police station and they said more than likey the animal control would put him to sleep. He became my dog that day!! I brought him to OKC where I live and took him to the vet to get him cleaned up and looked at. He had 2 tick blood diseases from being out on his own for so long. There were ticks all over him even between his toes. They gave antibiotics and we got started on heart worm prevention. They guessed he was 2 years old by looking at his teeth. They also determined he was half black lab and half ##er spaniel. He is sooooo cute. He weighed only 30 pounds when I found him and before he passed he was at least 55 pounds where he should be. I brought him home and he became the best dog, best friend anyone could ask for. I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again. He was my shadow. I believe when you rescue a dog they know how lucky they are to have a home. He was so loyal and loving. Never once did he have an accident in the house. He only growled and barked when someone was around the house. Protecting me like only Roman could. (I named him Roman because he was roaming around when I found him....lol!) I got married in Nov 2005 to a wonderful man that Roman became to love just as much as I did. We discussed starting a family even tho Roman was our son and we treated him like he was. I became pregnant in late March of 2008. I found out I was excpecting twins. We were overjoyed and hoped Roman would love them as much as we would when they came. I ended up having some complications in my pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for 4 months before I delivered in Nov 08. Roman was at my side day and night. He slept with my husband and I anyway but, when I went on bedrest he would not leave my side except to go do his business outside. I know he knew I was pregnant! Fast forward to the babies coming home. I had a boy and a girl. My son had colic for the first 2 months and cried all the time. It drove us all crazy and I think it really made Roman nuts. He still cries but not as much as before. Roman has been fine and in good health I thought. We started our daily walks back up last week. He was fine. He did not show any sign of being sick. I woke up at 7am on 2/11 and Roman as usual was on our bed. I got up and went to the babies room and came back into the hall and saw Roman's legs buckle under neath him and he collapsed. He was dead instantly. I still have NO idea what happened. I was screaming my head off and begging God to not take him. I called my vet and they said it was more than likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I said no. I did not want him cut open. I pulled myself together enough to find a pet cementary and that is where he is. We got a beautiful casket. I cannot understand WHY this happened. He was fine. The only thing I can think of is the night before we had some terrible weather and tornadoes. He hated storms and always hid and shook all over. I feel so much guilt that I could not comfort him like I wanted to. I have 2 babies to take care of and Roman always seemed to be third. I feel sooooo guilty right now. I now he hated the babies crying. He was my first child and he was spoiled. I know he was sad that he was not first anymore. It makes no sense to me that this has happened. Why so soon after the babies came home. I was so looking forward to them growing up with him. He was my world. I have become so depressed that my mom has taken off work to come here to help me with the babies. I do not feel like doing anything. I see and think I hear Roman all over the house. I am still in shock and I have been wearing his collar around my wrist. I cannot quit crying. I have read alot of the posts on this board and they have been so comforting. I hope I can come here and feel some sort of peace and comfort from all of you and try to put my life back together again. I just started a new normal with the babies and now I have to find another new normal without my Roman. It is too much too soon. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss my Roman dearly and just want him to come back home. Thank you for listening to my story.

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[Jules02]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Moon Beam thank you so much for your words. I am sure my emotional, mental and physical health is still recuperating. I know a pet dying is never the right time but, I honestly can say this was very wrong timing for me. I am getting resentful that I cannot just go crawl into a ball in my bed and cry for 2 weeks. I have to take care of the babies and it is taking its toll on me. I just want to grieve Roman. Every morning at 7:10 am my heart just aches. He past away right in the hall by our bedroom. It makes me sad that I did not get to take him outside to do his business. I am sure he was needing to go so bad. I wanted to feed him one more time so he was full and happy before he left me. In the mornings after he would eat he would play so intensly with his "WOOBIES" that was his stuffed animals that we gave him. He had many and he just loved to chew them up. What I would give to have played with him one more time. We did indeed have a special bond that Ann talked about. I always have felt that way. He and I put each other back together again and I feel so very lost without him. I miss him so much it is excruciating. I am going to give a donation in his memory to the humane society. Thank you Moon Beam for that idea. My heart is breaking and I feel so selfish in my grief. I just want to be left alone and just cry. I love you Roman and I miss you dearly. You are my best friend and my first child. I wish I could of known their was something wrong. You were my responsiblity and I feel like I failed in keeping you healthy. I am so sorry!! I am so grateful I found this site and that you all are so kind when you are going through your own grief. I am so sorry for your losses as well. Thank you again to everyone that has responed to me. Your words mean the world to me and I hang on to every thing you say. It is helping me beyond belief.

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[freddie]

Dear Juleso2, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your furbaby Roman .He knows how much you love him and I am sure that he is watching over you right now from the rainbow bridge !! I know exactly how you feel we lost 2 of our furbabies last year and I will never get over the losses . I became very depressed and lost 20 kg .It has been a bit over one year since we lost Freddie in a tragic accident .I think about him and his mother (who we lost in Oct 2008) every single day. like you we miss our babies so so much it is like a piece of me died with them ! If there is any advice I could give you is that as soon as I realized that this was something I will never get over but try to move forward this was the start of the whole accepting thing ! Please come to this web site as often as you need the people on this site are wonderful wonderful souls they really do care and understand the pain you are in right now .My heart goes out to you god bless !
Hugs from Warren ******