I'm So Sorry Jason Options

[turriri]

My week started on 1/10/09, with my beloved cat, Jason, having his annual exam. His doctor couldn't get a urine sample so we had to return him on Monday to try again. On Tuesday we got the call that his blood work showed the signs of kidney disease and we needed to return him to the vet hospital for three days of IV fluids and antibiotics. He HATED going to the vet but I promised him he'd be ok. The vet called me on Wednesday and said he was so upset that they couldn't even treat him but would try again later that day. Finally, Wednesday afternoon, they got the lines started on him but he was still lunging at his caretakers and was very unhappy. I was going to visit him but they told me to hold off as he was a threat to them, himself and potentially to me.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th of January, I got the call I'd been waiting for all week that I could come and pick up my best friend. They had to sedate him to get his lines out as he still wouldn't let them come near him. They sedated him at 11:45 a.m.. I picked him up at 4:30 in the afternoon and was told that his blood work all looked so much better and they were really pleased with his progess. When they brought him to me he was still sleeping in his carrier. The doctor told me this was because of his sedation and that because of his kidney disease it would take longer to get the sedation out of his system. I brought him home and opened his cage so he could come out when he was ready. I went to check on him an hour later and he was gone. He never recovered from the sedation.

All the "what if's" are haunting me. What if I had never taken him to the vet, would he'd still be alive? What if I had visited him against the doctors wishes, would that have calmed him down? What if, instead of sedation, I had gone there and held him while they took the lines out? I knew he got extremely stressed going to the vets, why didn't I help him more? He was 15 years old. Why didn't I just let him live the remainder of his life at home until he told me it was his time? How do I move on from the overwhelming grief and sadness?

To my beloved Jason: I am so, so, so sorry I let you down and didn't protect you from all the stress that eventually killed you. I know saying that will not bring you back but I don't know what else to do. A kitty has never been loved more than you.....

[jasonsmom]

I thought about putting Jason's ashes under his favorite tree (he was an indoor cat but sometimes I took him outside to "help" me in the garden). Then I thought, what if we move? So right now he is on the mantelpiece with his dish, a wad of his fur, and his favourite toys. Tomorrow I am actually going to speak to an animal communicator (not sure I'm a believer but it's cheaper than a therapist ). It's worse for the other cat, though, he cried all night again, which he does every few days just when we think he's settling down. The vet gave us some Valium for him, but it doesn't work.

Turriri, I like the locket idea, not sure I can bring myself to open the urn though. Take care...................................