I Did Nothing. Options

[greenie]

I've always felt that she had health issues. Her breathing is too labored or heavy most the time. Her name is Gingee, a small terrier mutt, blonde wiry and bratty, as terriers are. Out of his two dogs, she's always been my "favorite." Maybe a few pounds heavy, but hardly fat. I would say to Adam.."she's not supposed to be breathing so hard." So he took her to the vet, who said she just needed to lose 3-5 pounds.

Yesterday, I went to Adam's, returning from my moms for an overnight stay. I entered his home and he expressed his concern for Gingee, as she wasn't herself. I saw her sitting on the couch, panting very hard. I became immediately alarmed, and sat down by her. She wouldn't move from her spot, and her panting was so heavy her entire body was heaving. Of course, it was a Sunday, when no vets are open. There are ER Vets, but they usually charge you around $150 just to be examined. Adam is unemployed, and I don't have much either. We worried about money. He said he wanted to take her, and then tell them he couldn't pay. I told him that isn't how ~~ works. We wondered if we were overreacting. We had a dinner to go to later, and needed ingredients. I told Adam to go to the store and get the ingredients, while I stayed back and bathed.

Gingee and I lay down awhile. She was distressed, could not get comfortable. I prayed for her to be ok, maybe just until we could get to a vet tomorrow. I never pray.

Adam came back home. Gingee was on the couch. He said she seemed worse. I told him he has a number of things he could sell to pay someone back. He asked if we should go now, or go to dinner and come back and check on her? I told him I've thought all along we should go, but we need to be responsible and pay for it. I said maybe she is ok, we can check on her when we get back? Gingee was laying on her side on the couch now, not able to get up. Adam became distressed at this, and said we need to take her now. I agreed.

I got my coat while Adam coaxed her up from the couch. I was looking for her leash when I heard Adam yell "oh my god i think she just died."

She had collapsed. We panicked, wrapped her in a towel. We took her to the ER vet (20 miles away), but she probably died right as we left the house.

This was just yesterday. I have since studied and it seems she probably had some congestive heart failure, which if caught early on, can be treated and life prolonged.

I will never ever ever forgive myself, as long as I live.

[hope2heal]

I wish so bad I could tell her how sorry I am. I'm not the type of person who believes that animals go to a better place, or that they know we loved them. I wish I could have that faith..but i just can't be sure about it all. If I were Gingee, and I felt I was being ignored and I was in serious danger...I would feel sad and neglected. I can't believe I let my baby feel that away. I didn't protect her.

I just miss her so much and I can't believe this has happened!! I want to hug her and tell her I am sorry!

Dear greenie,

Even though I knew I was going to be euthanizing my dog and told her I was sorry she was so sick and to forgive me if had or had not done something to cause her this suffering, I STILL find I "talk" to her sometimes and tell her and God I'm sorry and to forgive me. I miss her so much; sometimes I just want to move out of this house because it is so empty without her. I was always so up on her medical care and it seems like I failed her terribly in her last couple months of life. When I look back, my actions just didn't make any sense to me. (If you want, read my post--scroll WAY down: Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care?....Guilt is horrible..

Just one more quick thing: It's okay to have faith (if you want)...even if it's just a little...and still not be sure about it. Faith involves taking a risk... It's normal (and human) to not "be sure about it all..."

Wishing you peace,
hope2heal