I Did Nothing. Options

[greenie]

I've always felt that she had health issues. Her breathing is too labored or heavy most the time. Her name is Gingee, a small terrier mutt, blonde wiry and bratty, as terriers are. Out of his two dogs, she's always been my "favorite." Maybe a few pounds heavy, but hardly fat. I would say to Adam.."she's not supposed to be breathing so hard." So he took her to the vet, who said she just needed to lose 3-5 pounds.

Yesterday, I went to Adam's, returning from my moms for an overnight stay. I entered his home and he expressed his concern for Gingee, as she wasn't herself. I saw her sitting on the couch, panting very hard. I became immediately alarmed, and sat down by her. She wouldn't move from her spot, and her panting was so heavy her entire body was heaving. Of course, it was a Sunday, when no vets are open. There are ER Vets, but they usually charge you around $150 just to be examined. Adam is unemployed, and I don't have much either. We worried about money. He said he wanted to take her, and then tell them he couldn't pay. I told him that isn't how ~~ works. We wondered if we were overreacting. We had a dinner to go to later, and needed ingredients. I told Adam to go to the store and get the ingredients, while I stayed back and bathed.

Gingee and I lay down awhile. She was distressed, could not get comfortable. I prayed for her to be ok, maybe just until we could get to a vet tomorrow. I never pray.

Adam came back home. Gingee was on the couch. He said she seemed worse. I told him he has a number of things he could sell to pay someone back. He asked if we should go now, or go to dinner and come back and check on her? I told him I've thought all along we should go, but we need to be responsible and pay for it. I said maybe she is ok, we can check on her when we get back? Gingee was laying on her side on the couch now, not able to get up. Adam became distressed at this, and said we need to take her now. I agreed.

I got my coat while Adam coaxed her up from the couch. I was looking for her leash when I heard Adam yell "oh my god i think she just died."

She had collapsed. We panicked, wrapped her in a towel. We took her to the ER vet (20 miles away), but she probably died right as we left the house.

This was just yesterday. I have since studied and it seems she probably had some congestive heart failure, which if caught early on, can be treated and life prolonged.

I will never ever ever forgive myself, as long as I live.

[sweetmissy]

If there is anyone else reading this, please feel free to chime in. Greenie and I need your support.

[hope2heal]

If there is anyone else reading this, please feel free to chime in. Greenie and I need your support.

Hi sweetmissy...I know you know me already...I can't say a whole lot to help here, but I'll say something...

Dear greenie,

I read your story and I feel for you-- truly. I felt like I was sitting there with you when you wrote what had happened. I think my dog Ziggy may have died of a heart condition back in 94; I wasn't even home when he died in the middle of the night on his way to the vet (my parents took him). I regretted not taking him into the vet after he had what appeared to be a seizure a couple weeks before; I just remember calling the vet and getting no response. He seemed weaker in the legs but I attributed that to his age (he was 14). I called to check on him that night--later than I meant to-- and my mom said she'd been waiting hours for me to call; he was vomiting blood and she didn't know what to do (there was no emergency hospital where we lived back then). I raced home (but was a 3hr drive away); but Ziggy had already died; the vet had agreed to meet my parents at his practice that night... Before I had left the house that morning I was cleaning my car. Surprisingly, Ziggy calmly walked up to me in the front yard (just pushed open the front door--something he never did) and looked up at me seriously with old, tired eyes. I believe he was either saying goodbye or trying to get me to stay... I always regretted leaving him that day. I remember crying to my mom saying all I wanted was just one more day with him...

The death of my last dog however, was even more devastating. She was sickly to begin with. I saw changes and I didn't follow up on them. I don't know how to get past this. I attended a Monthly pet loss support group meeting and it helped for a little while. Now I've moved on to individual counseling. Even though I've found people to talk to that share their own guilty feelings about their animals, I still feel alone. When I'm not sharing with others who understand I'm dealing with all these horrible feelings dancing around inside of me.

It has been five months for me and I don't feel any better. As I was telling someone else, it seems like most of the people here get out of the guilt "phase" relatively quickly. Perhaps it will end up being "short-lived" for you; though you will never forget this dear dog.

I can tell you were very attached to this dog. Would it help any to think that ultimately it was your boyfriend's responsibility; that that sweet little dog was really his and not yours, so really it was up to him to provide veterinary care? Just trying to help. I used to catch a lot of grief about my dog's vet bills, and it wasn't like hubby and I COULDN'T AFFORD IT!!! Makes me feel sick thinking about it. I don't know if my dog could have been helped but I know I could have tried to do more.

I just wanted to write to let you know that you are not alone. If only all of the supportive people here could be our real-life neighbors...

sincerely,
hope2heal

[greenie]

Hi sweetmissy...I know you know me already...I can't say a whole lot to help here, but I'll say something...

Dear greenie,

I read your story and I feel for you-- truly. I felt like I was sitting there with you when you wrote what had happened. I think my dog Ziggy may have died of a heart condition back in 94; I wasn't even home when he died in the middle of the night on his way to the vet (my parents took him). I regretted not taking him into the vet after he had what appeared to be a seizure a couple weeks before; I just remember calling the vet and getting no response. He seemed weaker in the legs but I attributed that to his age (he was 14). I called to check on him that night--later than I meant to-- and my mom said she'd been waiting hours for me to call; he was vomiting blood and she didn't know what to do (there was no emergency hospital where we lived back then). I raced home (but was a 3hr drive away); but Ziggy had already died; the vet had agreed to meet my parents at his practice that night... Before I had left the house that morning I was cleaning my car. Surprisingly, Ziggy calmly walked up to me in the front yard (just pushed open the front door--something he never did) and looked up at me seriously with old, tired eyes. I believe he was either saying goodbye or trying to get me to stay... I always regretted leaving him that day. I remember crying to my mom saying all I wanted was just one more day with him...

The death of my last dog however, was even more devastating. She was sickly to begin with. I saw changes and I didn't follow up on them. I don't know how to get past this. I attended a Monthly pet loss support group meeting and it helped for a little while. Now I've moved on to individual counseling. Even though I've found people to talk to that share their own guilty feelings about their animals, I still feel alone. When I'm not sharing with others who understand I'm dealing with all these horrible feelings dancing around inside of me.

It has been five months for me and I don't feel any better. As I was telling someone else, it seems like most of the people here get out of the guilt "phase" relatively quickly. Perhaps it will end up being "short-lived" for you; though you will never forget this dear dog.

I can tell you were very attached to this dog. Would it help any to think that ultimately it was your boyfriend's responsibility; that that sweet little dog was really his and not yours, so really it was up to him to provide veterinary care? Just trying to help. I used to catch a lot of grief about my dog's vet bills, and it wasn't like hubby and I COULDN'T AFFORD IT!!! Makes me feel sick thinking about it. I don't know if my dog could have been helped but I know I could have tried to do more.

I just wanted to write to let you know that you are not alone. If only all of the supportive people here could be our real-life neighbors...

sincerely,
hope2heal

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss as well. I think the most difficult part is that our pets can't tell us what is happening with them. We can tell they are sick, and then blame ourselves for whatever decision we make about it.

The thing about my boyfriend..that's a good point that a friend brought up to me also. It was primarily his dog, and we don't live together. However, I loved her very much..she was just liek my baby. And out of the two of us...I am considered to be the animal lover. He loves his dogs, but does not feel the kinship I have felt with animals all my life.

He kept asking me what to do. I could have made the final decision but instead, I stalled. It was my responsibility to listen to Gingee and recognize the severity of her situation...and for some reason I just...didn't (which is just unlike me, as I am usually pretty in tune with my animals.)

Obviously I didn't know she was going to die. I knew in my mind it could be a possibility..but the reality of it seemed an over-reaction.....

I wish I could take it all back. I just can't live with the fact that I could have saved her, and didn't. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry, and have her back so I can make her better!