I Miss My Little Guy... Options

[jharbeck]

I have posted in hear before about my little 1 1/2 year old cat Bartelbee when he was diagnosed with dry FIP. I guess I just am sitting here lonely, really missing his cute little face. On Monday of last week his disease finally took over his body. For a month I watched him go from wobbling while he walked to only being able to move his front legs. On Monday morning he couldn’t even raise his head. The Bartelbee light had gone from his eyes. It was the hardest thing I had ever done letting him go. Holding him as he stopped breathing with his little head that had given me so many nuzzles laid in my hand. I couldn’t even see him clearly due to the tears in my eyes. Through my grief, and my tears, I was still able to let him know that it was ok he could let go and that I loved him.

I have three other cats but Bartelbee was my special little guy. I volunteer at a shelter and about a year ago 4 kittens were dumped at there backdoor. One of those kittens was Bartelbee. He was scared and shy but after months of loving him he came out of his shell…we truly bonded. I knew we couldn’t be without each other and as soon as I could I brought him home to be a part of the family. I never wanted four cats but I couldn’t be without him.

So many nights he would snuggle up and sleep on my chest with his little purr going. He would follow me wherever I went. All he wanted was to be near me. He would rub his face against mine anytime I was close. Half the time his forehead was covered in my make-up. He never seemed to mind. I didn’t know that a cat could love as much as Bartelbee did. How can I go on without that?

I feel like I am missing part of myself. I have an empty hole in my heart. I was so strong for him while he was sick but now that I don’t have him anymore I feel broken. I lost the most precious thing in my life and there is nothing I can do about it. When he was sick we would lay next to each other with our foreheads touching and I would just talk to him. My voice always seemed to relax him. I would tell him that I wish I could take this disease from him and fight it myself, that I would do anything to make him better. I guess I just don’t know how to deal with this…to deal with losing him. My home seems empty without my little guy.

[jharbeck]

I can't believe it's been 3 months now. I thought it would get easier but some days I can't seem to stop thinking about Bartelbee.

I think about Christmas and how much I wish he could be here spending it with us. How I wish I could of seen his reaction to his first Christmas tree. Or to see if he would use it as cover to ambush the other cats like Ramses does. Or sleep under it like Maia. It just doesn't seem fair that he didn't get those chances because he was taken from me so young.

I also can't seem to stop remembering his last month. It was so hard to watch him deteriorate. Watch his little body weaken and see him not understanding why. It's so difficult to put those thoughts out of my head...the force feedings, the difficulty he had walking...finally the complete blank look in his eyes. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. To see that I had to let go of my little Bartelbee, that I had no choice but to say goodbye. Did he realize how much I loved him, and still love him, and would have taken his disease from him if I could?

I guess the last few days have been the hardest because I watch my kitty Cyrus (Bartelbee’s friend and companion) miss him too. Cyrus has so much energy and tries so hard to get my other cats to play with him like Bartelbee did. Unfortunately they want nothing to do with him. I try to play with him as much as possible but when he playfully runs from me and squeezes under the bed I can’t follow like Bartelbee use to. I can’t run circles under the bed the way his little friend did. I guess it made me realize that I’m not the only one in this house missing him.

Volunteering at the shelter again has help to slightly fill the void losing him caused. Everyday I go I know I am making a difference. I can see it in the faces of the ones starting to come out of there shell. But it’s still hard. Every little black and white kitty I see reminds me of him. So many times I have wished it were his little face looking up at me. But I guess it will be like that for a long time. I guess Bartelbee will never stray far from my heart.

Janet