How Do You Get Over It Being Your Fault? How Do You Pick The Death Dat Options

[kodiak'smom]

My beautiful german shep/akita has had almost 12 perfect years w/us. She has lived her entire life w/severe hip dysplasia.

As she aged we rarely took her w/our other 2 dogs to the park, it involves loading them into an SUV and you have to be quick, she'd put her front paws up and we quickly lift her rear in. It ALWAYS worked out.

Well, we got down to taking her once a month, we could see her slowing down. On the spur of the moment last week, I decided to let her go with us...something I may regret the rest of my life, I blame ME.

She put her paws up to get into the car and it was like slow motion, I saw it coming, my husband didn't get her up in time and she collapsed straight down onto her feet.

We didn't realize the severity of what happened, got her in the car...at the park I realized she couldn't walk well at all I told my husband we gotta get her home. We did, she fell in the car as well on the way back. When we got home her back legs wouldn't hold her. We quickly slung her with a nearby towel took her in the house. She rested seemed fine otherwise - gave her a Previcox and she slept for about 12 hours - MIRACULOUSLY the next morning she was up and walking, navigating even the stairs - for 3 days.

THEN - during 4 the night something happened, we were asleep, apparently she took another fall and has not been able to walk for a week.

We took her to the vet, she said her rear leg has no neuro function, possibly a slipped disk, she cannot walk on 3 legs the hip is too degenerated. We brought her home and hoped it would heal...it has only been a few days and we are seriously physically injured lugging our girl up and down stairs, slinging to go out and pee..my Lord, 100 lbs feels like 500 lbs.

It seems we have no choice but to put her to sleep - my husband, son and I are exhausted, hurt physically from this and our sweet girl is well in every other way, but we have tried and cannot go on.

I so feel had I never opened the door to let her go w/us - I KNOW she would be fine, this is my fault, I wanted her to have some fun - but instead tragedy struck.

It is time to do the unthinkable, we love her SO MUCH - she sleeps w/us, she is so vocal and so human like, she is precious, I can't imagine saying goodbye now over ONE leg that prevents her from walking - my fault - God, how do I live with myself? How do I set the date to take her back to the vet and say goodbye forever.

I feel near collapse - I am sick to begin with w/an neuro disease similar to MS and if I were stronger I'd take care of her forever like this - I am sick someone help - tell me how do I get through all of this?

Thank you -
Kodiak's mom

[kodiak'smom]

Thank you so much for your support - I just cry and cry and I can't even sleep - I can't eat, I can't think, I can hardly breathe.

Ann - yes dogs w/hip dysplasia can live long happy lives as Kodiak has proven. She was born with this, I remember her as a puppy on walks she'd have to lie down. But she has always learned to compensate for this "disability" spunky and happy, but absolutely needs a family that can accommodate all those years and medications, even heating pads or electric blankets, always inside when it was cold etc. The vet always told us to keep her weight down w/ribs slightly showing as this would bring longevity, she got over weight a few times, but we always walked her and kept her active so the muscles around her hips remained strong - no running allowed the vet always said, ha! impossible to stop her! But yes - she is strong (was, is?) and amazed me. Just two weeks ago I said to my husband this dog is amazing with those hips so bad (I mean no sockets at all hardly in the hips) she is going to live until she is 15....yeah, if I only knew within a week all that would change....and still the hips are holding, something neuro is wrong...????

We took her when she was about 6 years old to a University Vet Hospital to have hip replacement surgery, but they said she was not a candidate, as she had no depth to where the new ball and joint could fit in...it is quite miraculous she has lived this long and very happily so, but it doesn't make this easier as I am sure you know - 20 years would be too short.

I talked w/the "big guy" the owner of the vet hospital - he really is the best in our city. Although he did not exam her himself (he is mostly retired) he went over all the labs, xrays, etc., and said she has osteoarthritis, but doesn't know why the back leg stopped working, the foot is knuckling and the leg seems disconnected and will swing in odd directions, but he said even the hip is still in joint!! I can't believe that. That only makes this harder and so mysterious he said it is obviously a neuro problem. He thought it was good we took her home to give it time - he said a week should tell the story. Sunday will be a week.

The day is fast approaching and although I know I don't have to do anything I can't - I look at her struggling now - she is worn out even if we take her outside for a few moments. She is having "accidents" now in the house - as she won't go on command anymore, she doesn't like the sling. The vet said this can be very hard on a house broken dog, they don't like having these accidents on themselves and it is stressful for her (for me, up all night changing her bedding now). She hasn't lost control of bowel or bladder she just won't go when we tell her too - it is hard to balance on her two front legs, the back leg that is good, isn't helping much at all because of the dysplasia and arthritis.

What kills me more - I have another Shep 11 years old this month and she is getting up slowly and I know she is limited in her time as well - I also have a smaller dog that absolutely LOVES Kodiak - she jumps for joy when Kodiak comes out to play and swim in our pool too (ironic Judy).

The cart idea we spoke to the vet about and they discouraged it only because they said she can't be on her feet all the time and we are essentially in the same boat. We have to unhook her from the cart to lie down, lift her in it to go outside and up and down all day....I have seriously considered this and if I live in a one story house this would be ideal. She absolutely MUST be upstairs on her bed sleeping right next to my husband so gating her downstairs, she would never handle.

Every option seems exciting at first and then we realize how tired she looks using those two front legs, she is worn out from one week of this.

I hoped the anti inflammatory would take down any swelling and give her back her leg - but nothing yet - prayers not answered.

I am grateful for you, people who understand that our pets are more than "animals" - they are our loved ones and losing her (unless God moves and heals hers now) will be devastating. I absolutely see myself collapsing.

And then to think my other Shep is so close in age - makes me nauseated. My youngest and smallest who loves Kodiak is so stressed from all the action of having to sling her quickly get her outside and it really is a huge ordeal all 3 of us have to be there to set it up quickly, sling the leg that is dragging - it is a nightmare. I worry about Angel (the one who loves her so much).

Do animals understand death in a sense - do they know she may not be with us much longer?

The whole situation is like a bad dream.

And you all have been so kind and given great advice and I myself have said no matter how long they live, it is NEVER enough. I had 3 cats die one after the other in about a 2 year period and a 4th vanish from 2000- 2002. I somehow survived it, but I myself was well then. Being chronically ill myself and in a lot of pain - this really make my situation so painful in so many ways..I wish I had my health as I did up until 2.5 years ago...I could do this forever, lift her, etc., but my health is at risk too.

I am rambling....so distraught... no clear answer, I can't even think clearly I am so exhausted and in pain....thank you so much for prayers and strength, they are so much needed.

Dana
(Kodiak's mom)