My Heart Is Broken Options

[Casey's Mom]

I lost my Casey on Sunday morning at 11:35 and I am completely devastated. Casey was my best friend and baby girl. I rescued her from the animal shelter 16 1/2 years ago when she was just 6 weeks old, and she has been the biggest part of my life since. I'm beating myself up over every time I fussed at her over the years ... I can't help it. She was the sweetest girl in the world, and never failed to show me how much she loved me. She died in my arms and I miss her more than I thought possible.

She had a place in everything that I do every day ... she would lay at my feet while I was putting on makeup every morning, she would meow "MaMa" when she saw me after I got home from work every day ... we had a routine each day of taking care of her and now I'm so very lost. I never realized how un-alone I was until Sunday afternoon, and even though I want to be home a greiving, home isn't the same place anymore. I see her everywhere ... my life centered around her and taking care of her (especially lately when she started to not feel 100%), and now I just don't know what to do with myself. Coming home from work yesterday to a completely empty house for the first time was horrible. I coulnd't do anything but lay on the couch, hold her picture, one of her bed cushions and a towel that was hers, and cry and keep asking myself if there was anything else I could have done for her. I still tell her goodnight when I lay my head down on my pillow because I've done it for almost 17 years and I just can't stop abruptly. The first day was awful, the 2nd day was awful, and the 3rd day is still awful ... when does the grief get any better? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I know that she's healthy and waiting on me, but I am hurting so very much right now. I know that God will send me a sign from her when the time is right ... He has answered all of my other prayers for her in His way ... I just need to know that she is okay and happy and taken care of.

I apologize for rambling, but my thoughts are just so all over the place right now ...

She will always be my precious baby girl and I will always be her MaMa ... I just feel so completely lost and alone right now.

[LoveThem]

Lisa

Just remember...whatever makes you feel better to do...that is the thing to do at that moment.

I can understand the loneliness, the restlessness, all too well. I had that all the time until I finally got myself a shelter cat (who happens to look like my boy...well I WAS looking for that too).

I have read here where many people do have dreams of their babies or hear them. I don't know why but I have never had that experience. So some do have it and some do not have it and I am sure everything is still normal whatever happens.

I'm glad you have the fur and I can understand not wanting to move anything...that is what makes you feel better now and so that is what to do. (I mean, not moving anything).

Your memorial sounds beautiful. Yes, I believe Casey hears you and my Little Guy hears me.
They can't help it as they are a part of our hearts and being there...can never leave us. They are bonded to us forever. When I look into my boy's eyes in a picture.....I feel as if he is looking back through his spirit and that his spirit surrounds me all the time..and is a forever thing just like love is.

It is truly heartbreaking and yes, we will miss them forever and there be days the pain of missing them will hit us hard and so we cry. But again, we both agreed.....having them, and knowing them....is worth the pain..as hard as it is.

We then have to remember the good healthy happy years and smile at that memory for that is the one they would want us to think about.

All we can do is take it all one day at a time and do the best we can and hold onto the beautiful memories that will always be so much a part of our lives.

Hugs...and keep writing your thoughts and feelings..and even a note here to Casey if you feel like it (I do that in my Little Guy's topic). Talking to her everyday sounds beautiful..I do that each time I pass my boy's pictures. When the pain was its most intense at the beginning...I would try to pretend he was in another room and when I called his name...he would always appear..but then knowing he really wasn't coming...I stopped that as I found his not coming made me more depressed.

So we try anything that we hope makes us feel better and whatever works..keep on doing.

Take care and know you are not alone in your feelings and your pain. We all share the same pain of missing our best friends.

Judy