My Heart Is Broken Options

[Casey's Mom]

I lost my Casey on Sunday morning at 11:35 and I am completely devastated. Casey was my best friend and baby girl. I rescued her from the animal shelter 16 1/2 years ago when she was just 6 weeks old, and she has been the biggest part of my life since. I'm beating myself up over every time I fussed at her over the years ... I can't help it. She was the sweetest girl in the world, and never failed to show me how much she loved me. She died in my arms and I miss her more than I thought possible.

She had a place in everything that I do every day ... she would lay at my feet while I was putting on makeup every morning, she would meow "MaMa" when she saw me after I got home from work every day ... we had a routine each day of taking care of her and now I'm so very lost. I never realized how un-alone I was until Sunday afternoon, and even though I want to be home a greiving, home isn't the same place anymore. I see her everywhere ... my life centered around her and taking care of her (especially lately when she started to not feel 100%), and now I just don't know what to do with myself. Coming home from work yesterday to a completely empty house for the first time was horrible. I coulnd't do anything but lay on the couch, hold her picture, one of her bed cushions and a towel that was hers, and cry and keep asking myself if there was anything else I could have done for her. I still tell her goodnight when I lay my head down on my pillow because I've done it for almost 17 years and I just can't stop abruptly. The first day was awful, the 2nd day was awful, and the 3rd day is still awful ... when does the grief get any better? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I know that she's healthy and waiting on me, but I am hurting so very much right now. I know that God will send me a sign from her when the time is right ... He has answered all of my other prayers for her in His way ... I just need to know that she is okay and happy and taken care of.

I apologize for rambling, but my thoughts are just so all over the place right now ...

She will always be my precious baby girl and I will always be her MaMa ... I just feel so completely lost and alone right now.

[LoveThem]

I just read about Casey. I am so sorry it was her time. My Little Guy (the last of 3 siblings)..I lost in Sept of 07. He was 16 1/2 years old. He was born in 1991 in my back yard so I raised him from a teeny tiny kitten. He weighed 16 pounds his whole life. He is lying on the bed in my avatar.
I miss him like you miss Casey.

You mentioned about vacuuming and at that post said you hadn't. I did take fur from all 3 of mine from their hairbrushes and put it in separate ziplock bags (air tight), along with a note whose fur it is and a favorite toy. My boy's twin brother, Keeper passed in 2002 and I marvel that today in 2008, the fur in that bag is as soft as if it was still on him. Sometimes when I need to have a physical touch...I touch their fur...something that actual was a part of them. That helps me. Also I have put pictures in every room so I feel like my boy and his siblings are greeting me coming and going. My Little Guy is my computer wallpaper so looking into his eyes when I turn on my computer and saying goodnight when I turn it off..is still part of my every day.

I know one Mom here had a great saying: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. That helps me a lot to think about. I know I would never trade any of those 16 1/2 years of having him...to avoid the devastating loss when the time comes..as it always does. But my memories and pictures help me remember the happy, healthy days and I know I was truly his world as he was such a part of mine.

Write here your thoughts and feelings. Do whatever makes you feel better to do. You are never alone here. We all share the same pain. That's why we understand what others go through and if it helps to know how we cope...then that thought helps us also.

Take care...I truly understand missing such a sweetheart and the wish that is always there....that it would have lasted many more years. It truly is never long enough.

Hugs
Judy