My Heart Is Broken Options

[Casey's Mom]

I lost my Casey on Sunday morning at 11:35 and I am completely devastated. Casey was my best friend and baby girl. I rescued her from the animal shelter 16 1/2 years ago when she was just 6 weeks old, and she has been the biggest part of my life since. I'm beating myself up over every time I fussed at her over the years ... I can't help it. She was the sweetest girl in the world, and never failed to show me how much she loved me. She died in my arms and I miss her more than I thought possible.

She had a place in everything that I do every day ... she would lay at my feet while I was putting on makeup every morning, she would meow "MaMa" when she saw me after I got home from work every day ... we had a routine each day of taking care of her and now I'm so very lost. I never realized how un-alone I was until Sunday afternoon, and even though I want to be home a greiving, home isn't the same place anymore. I see her everywhere ... my life centered around her and taking care of her (especially lately when she started to not feel 100%), and now I just don't know what to do with myself. Coming home from work yesterday to a completely empty house for the first time was horrible. I coulnd't do anything but lay on the couch, hold her picture, one of her bed cushions and a towel that was hers, and cry and keep asking myself if there was anything else I could have done for her. I still tell her goodnight when I lay my head down on my pillow because I've done it for almost 17 years and I just can't stop abruptly. The first day was awful, the 2nd day was awful, and the 3rd day is still awful ... when does the grief get any better? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I know that she's healthy and waiting on me, but I am hurting so very much right now. I know that God will send me a sign from her when the time is right ... He has answered all of my other prayers for her in His way ... I just need to know that she is okay and happy and taken care of.

I apologize for rambling, but my thoughts are just so all over the place right now ...

She will always be my precious baby girl and I will always be her MaMa ... I just feel so completely lost and alone right now.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Lisa, I'm getting caught on the posts, and as a trained Veterinary Assistant I agree with Dottie that being in a noisy ER with other animals who are not behaving very well is usually not the cause of a stroke, heart attack, etc. But as Dottie pointed out a necropsy - - the animal version of a human autopsy - - is really the only way to determine the cause of death. I am glad you had a good visit with your friends, and I can certainly relate to your feelings of returning to "reality" - - the apprehension of returning home knowing there is emptiness waiting there. But these feelings are only temporary, Lisa, because right now you are in deep grief, and everyone here understands how you are feeling. Hopefully as time progresses you will begin to embrace the truth that Casey's sweet living Spirit is still with you as she always has been - - that your relationship with her has only temporarily transformed to a different dimension. This grief journey is both physical and emotional, Lisa, so it is important that you do what you need to do to help ease the emptiness you are feeling right now - - like holding something that belonged only to Casey or sleeping with something that belonged to her. Talk to her, Lisa, for she is listening as intently to you now as she always has. And hopefully as time goes on you will be thinking of her and find yourself smiling - - and then you will know that Casey is always with you in your heart and your memories - - which nothing and no one can ever take away from you. Perhaps in time you may want to do a memorial for her - - like a scrapbook or garden - - or donation to the local shelter in Casey's name, etc.. The mental health professionals now agree that the loss of a beloved companion is as devastating as, if not worse as, losing a human family member or friend. The grief stages are identical. The first year post-loss is one of great struggle because it is filled with all the firsts: The first hour, the first day, the first month, the first birthday, the first holidays, the first whatever - - are constant reminders that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us. But the emphasis is on the word "physical" because they are still with us - - always with us - - through time and space. Lisa, we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam