My Heart Is Broken Options

[Casey's Mom]

I lost my Casey on Sunday morning at 11:35 and I am completely devastated. Casey was my best friend and baby girl. I rescued her from the animal shelter 16 1/2 years ago when she was just 6 weeks old, and she has been the biggest part of my life since. I'm beating myself up over every time I fussed at her over the years ... I can't help it. She was the sweetest girl in the world, and never failed to show me how much she loved me. She died in my arms and I miss her more than I thought possible.

She had a place in everything that I do every day ... she would lay at my feet while I was putting on makeup every morning, she would meow "MaMa" when she saw me after I got home from work every day ... we had a routine each day of taking care of her and now I'm so very lost. I never realized how un-alone I was until Sunday afternoon, and even though I want to be home a greiving, home isn't the same place anymore. I see her everywhere ... my life centered around her and taking care of her (especially lately when she started to not feel 100%), and now I just don't know what to do with myself. Coming home from work yesterday to a completely empty house for the first time was horrible. I coulnd't do anything but lay on the couch, hold her picture, one of her bed cushions and a towel that was hers, and cry and keep asking myself if there was anything else I could have done for her. I still tell her goodnight when I lay my head down on my pillow because I've done it for almost 17 years and I just can't stop abruptly. The first day was awful, the 2nd day was awful, and the 3rd day is still awful ... when does the grief get any better? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I know that she's healthy and waiting on me, but I am hurting so very much right now. I know that God will send me a sign from her when the time is right ... He has answered all of my other prayers for her in His way ... I just need to know that she is okay and happy and taken care of.

I apologize for rambling, but my thoughts are just so all over the place right now ...

She will always be my precious baby girl and I will always be her MaMa ... I just feel so completely lost and alone right now.

[Dianaa]

Dearest Casey's Mom,

Oh, your Casey sounds so precious and beautiful-- I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. I know so well what you're going through. I lost my Yogi just nine days ago and it is still so fresh and so hard.

I will tell you a few things I learned here that really helped-- let yourself cry and cry and cry, as much as you need to.

Write down your thoughts and feelings about Casey-- let yourself go and don't worry about making sense or anything.

Talk with a sympathetic friend about Casey, let it all out.

I also began a ritual of visiting a special "Yogi place." It can be their grave, but it could also be a place that Casey loved, or a special tree or anything. I go there every day, at least once a day, to talk to Yogi and tell her how much I love her. I find it very helpful to have that daily contact.

And trust that it will, slowly, slowly, get a bit better. For me it's been very cyclical-- the whole first week was terrible for me, but I found the waves of grief would come and go. Now I can go for a few hours feeling human and then I have what I've been calling a "sadness heartattack." They hit and they pass.

Don't worry though-- Casey will always be close to you. It's part of her gift-- the pain does begin to subside and you're able to feel the sweetness of her love and presence.

Take good care of yourself through these difficult days, and do keep returning here-- this is such a wonderful site, filled with so much compassion and wisdom.
Big hugs,
Diana