How Do You Survive The First Day?, coping...maybe Options

[Dianaa]

Hi....
I can hardly believe I'm writing these words-- our sweet little dog Yogi was struck and killed by a speeding driver yesterday afternoon.

She was an eleven year old Italian Greyhound, very vibrant and loving. My husband took her out front to chase the ball-- her favorite thing in the world. Usually she was pretty sensible and stayed on the lawn but for some unknowable reason, yesterday she stepped into the street --at the exact moment this car seemed to materialize from nowhere. If it hadn't been speeding it wouldn't have hit her-- she was practically standing still.

I was inside in my office at home and heard the whole thing happen-- my husband yelling, the impact, all of it. She was killed pretty instantly-- I'm grateful that she didn't suffer. I did scream once at the driver who was crouched by her body-- I couldn't help myself, I screamed with all my might, You killed my dog. At least he didn't hit and run. My husband told him he shouldn't be speeding and that he better scram. I felt like my whole body was shaking apart. I went and stood by her broken body until we could move her, to make sure no other cars hit her.

We don't have children, though I'm not even sure if that really matters, but we adored Yogi. We had her for almost eleven years, since she was six weeks old. Her little muzzle was turning white but she was still completely joyous, vibrant and puppylike. She had one fang that kind of tilted out, so we called her Snagglepuss. She had this way of shivering and giving people "kisses" by wrapping her forepaws around your head and pressing her chest against your face. She loved all sorts of people--even crazy people and scary people that you kind of wished she didn't love so much ;-) I guess all pet-lovers must think this, but what a magical quality she had --it was uniquely her own and I'm crushed, knowing there will never ever be another one like her. They're just like people, aren't they? Each one so unique.

Maybe it's human nature to feel like if we love something so much that somehow it magically protects them, that nothing will ever happen to them. It's such so hard to believe or take in. I don't know. I feel so stupid and lost and like something has torn my heart right out of my chest. It's 2:30 in the afternoon as I write this. I can barely eat. All I seem to do is leak tears and stare. I keep thinking I see her. I keep imagining I heard her little toenails tapping on the floor. She loved to watch us from her beds as we worked. What do you do? How do you not die from grief? I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound grand or melodramatic, I just really mean it. How do you get through the day after they die?

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[Dianaa]

Jan, Shannon, 4Bentley, and Beth,

So good to see your messages this morning. I had trouble getting myself out of bed today, feeling like such a big part of my reason for living seems to be gone....Yogi liked to wake us in the morning by "tap dancing" around our bed, battering the sides with her little paws. Then when she heard me lie down on my yoga mat, that was her cue to rush in and stage a love-athon, standing over my head and mashing her chest against my face and smushing her little head around in my hair. It was wild, we'd crack up laughing and beg her to stop. Then, just as suddenly, she'd be done and rush off to attend to other pressing affairs in other parts of the house. She was such a nut.

Thank you my friends for your words about letting go of pain. That was very helpful to me to hear-- you must be right, our fur babies want us to be happy. I realize I've been doing the same thing-- clinging to hurt, feeling disloyal or unloving for any moment of pleasure or laughter, enjoying a bite of food, or even leaving the house (what if she "misses" us?)

Although, oddly, I find that I can't eat meat at all any longer. I wonder if that will wear off? Has that happened to any of you?

Thank you again for all your warmth and friendship-- each of you gives me so much hope and solace.
Diana