Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[hope2heal]

ann,

Thank you so much for writing and sharing. It's "nice" to know there's someone else feeling similar. It's so hard listening to music. SOmetimes when I am in a store or something comes on TV or the radio that I know somehow will trigger thoughts of Patsy (for some reason it seems to be almost ANYthing), I will either cover my ears if I can't escape it, turn it off or change the channel, or run to another part of the house and busy myself with something noisy, such as laundry! For some reason it seems ANYTHING--any music, even gameshows Patsy watched w/me are triggers. If I want to watch the show I have to mute it. When I have lost other pets and people in my life, this "music phase" typically lasts between 1-2 weeks. It's been over 3 1/2 months already, and it's still with me.

The thing that's gripping me with this is that I believe I KNEW BETTER. I knew something wasn't right. I remember having the thought, 'But we were JUST at the vet!! She tested negative for UTI...' and I feel SO guilty about that. I EVEN thought: what if this is something serious? How could I be lazy and procrastinating with Patsy's symptoms? What kind of love is that for your pet?

I had a "trial" counseling with someone new last night; for the most part I didn't get a lot out of it. But I think this person saw, like I think I'm starting to see, a connection with a kind of fear in speaking with the vet and in speaking w/hubby; both men--please: I mean no offense to the men in this group). I see so many instances where I felt frozen to do or say anything. I keep thinking to myself why didn't I override this? (For example: One time when I wasn't home the vet called to answer a question I left for him re:some herbal supplement. Hubby retrieved that call, and when I came home he told me how he told the vet of how he thinks a lot of these natural remedies are quackery and that everyone he (hubby) ever sees working in a health food store looks very unhealthy. he said the vet laughed (this vet used to tell me he hadn't much knowledge of natural helps--BTW I had tried a holistic vet and she failed us in many ways so I had to leave her..) Anyway I felt disturbed by hubby and vet's shared "laugh"... I don't know if I'm being petty, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Thank you again, ann, for sharing and offering your help. I truly appreciate it.

hope