How Do You Survive The First Day?, coping...maybe Options

[Dianaa]

Hi....
I can hardly believe I'm writing these words-- our sweet little dog Yogi was struck and killed by a speeding driver yesterday afternoon.

She was an eleven year old Italian Greyhound, very vibrant and loving. My husband took her out front to chase the ball-- her favorite thing in the world. Usually she was pretty sensible and stayed on the lawn but for some unknowable reason, yesterday she stepped into the street --at the exact moment this car seemed to materialize from nowhere. If it hadn't been speeding it wouldn't have hit her-- she was practically standing still.

I was inside in my office at home and heard the whole thing happen-- my husband yelling, the impact, all of it. She was killed pretty instantly-- I'm grateful that she didn't suffer. I did scream once at the driver who was crouched by her body-- I couldn't help myself, I screamed with all my might, You killed my dog. At least he didn't hit and run. My husband told him he shouldn't be speeding and that he better scram. I felt like my whole body was shaking apart. I went and stood by her broken body until we could move her, to make sure no other cars hit her.

We don't have children, though I'm not even sure if that really matters, but we adored Yogi. We had her for almost eleven years, since she was six weeks old. Her little muzzle was turning white but she was still completely joyous, vibrant and puppylike. She had one fang that kind of tilted out, so we called her Snagglepuss. She had this way of shivering and giving people "kisses" by wrapping her forepaws around your head and pressing her chest against your face. She loved all sorts of people--even crazy people and scary people that you kind of wished she didn't love so much ;-) I guess all pet-lovers must think this, but what a magical quality she had --it was uniquely her own and I'm crushed, knowing there will never ever be another one like her. They're just like people, aren't they? Each one so unique.

Maybe it's human nature to feel like if we love something so much that somehow it magically protects them, that nothing will ever happen to them. It's such so hard to believe or take in. I don't know. I feel so stupid and lost and like something has torn my heart right out of my chest. It's 2:30 in the afternoon as I write this. I can barely eat. All I seem to do is leak tears and stare. I keep thinking I see her. I keep imagining I heard her little toenails tapping on the floor. She loved to watch us from her beds as we worked. What do you do? How do you not die from grief? I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound grand or melodramatic, I just really mean it. How do you get through the day after they die?

Attached image(s)

 

[shannon2183]

Hey there Diana,

I was just checking in and seeing how you were doing. I'm glad to see that reading and writing the posts has been helpful. I know for me it truely has been!

You spoke about being afraid to let go of the grief because it would be as if you are letting go of your baby. I remember saying that same exact thing the first week...over and over. It was as if letting go of the pain was equivalent to letting go of Penny. However, I have noticed that letting go of the pain is just that...letting go of the pain. Nothing in a million years would make me let go of Penny. She'll always be my little girl! I think I thought that way about doing things I enjoyed as well. Everything from playing my music, to eating an ice cream sandwich. I felt that if I enjoy my food, then life is alright, which means Penny being gone no longer affects me. But my husband made a comment that was very helpful -- I guess they get homemade cookies on Sunday after dinner as he's deployed, and two Sundays ago he called after dinner, and that is when I told him Penny had passed. Therefore, a few days ago when I was telling him that I couldn't do the things I enjoyed, he said that last Sunday he could not stomach the idea of eating the cookie for the same reason I said...and started leaving the chow hall. But suddenly he thought of Penny at his feet with her puppy eyes just so happy to get "free sniffs" and the hope of a dropped crumb. At that point I realized that the reason our pooches were so happy is because we were happy people who enjoyed life, and Penny wouldn't want it any other way. Now when I eat something tasty, I just smile and imagine her little tail going 100 miles a minute:)

I was also watching the Dog Whisperer today and of course he always speaks of dogs "living in the moment". That they love life for the moment they are in, and I began to think that maybe our dogs want to teach us the same ideas. You can't live in the past or in the what ifs, but in the now. Love life for the moment. That thought has helped me get through some of the guilt and frustration I've been feeling. Yogi had 11 years of amazing, purely happy moments...and she in turn gave you the same. What a gift these little munchkins can be!

Just want you to know I was thinking of you...and Yogi's origami ears (Penny totally had those too!!)
~Shannon