How Do You Survive The First Day?, coping...maybe Options

[Dianaa]

Hi....
I can hardly believe I'm writing these words-- our sweet little dog Yogi was struck and killed by a speeding driver yesterday afternoon.

She was an eleven year old Italian Greyhound, very vibrant and loving. My husband took her out front to chase the ball-- her favorite thing in the world. Usually she was pretty sensible and stayed on the lawn but for some unknowable reason, yesterday she stepped into the street --at the exact moment this car seemed to materialize from nowhere. If it hadn't been speeding it wouldn't have hit her-- she was practically standing still.

I was inside in my office at home and heard the whole thing happen-- my husband yelling, the impact, all of it. She was killed pretty instantly-- I'm grateful that she didn't suffer. I did scream once at the driver who was crouched by her body-- I couldn't help myself, I screamed with all my might, You killed my dog. At least he didn't hit and run. My husband told him he shouldn't be speeding and that he better scram. I felt like my whole body was shaking apart. I went and stood by her broken body until we could move her, to make sure no other cars hit her.

We don't have children, though I'm not even sure if that really matters, but we adored Yogi. We had her for almost eleven years, since she was six weeks old. Her little muzzle was turning white but she was still completely joyous, vibrant and puppylike. She had one fang that kind of tilted out, so we called her Snagglepuss. She had this way of shivering and giving people "kisses" by wrapping her forepaws around your head and pressing her chest against your face. She loved all sorts of people--even crazy people and scary people that you kind of wished she didn't love so much ;-) I guess all pet-lovers must think this, but what a magical quality she had --it was uniquely her own and I'm crushed, knowing there will never ever be another one like her. They're just like people, aren't they? Each one so unique.

Maybe it's human nature to feel like if we love something so much that somehow it magically protects them, that nothing will ever happen to them. It's such so hard to believe or take in. I don't know. I feel so stupid and lost and like something has torn my heart right out of my chest. It's 2:30 in the afternoon as I write this. I can barely eat. All I seem to do is leak tears and stare. I keep thinking I see her. I keep imagining I heard her little toenails tapping on the floor. She loved to watch us from her beds as we worked. What do you do? How do you not die from grief? I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound grand or melodramatic, I just really mean it. How do you get through the day after they die?

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[Dianaa]

Thank you, Beth.

I've ordered the books you recommended-- it will do my heart good to read. Your sweet words helped so much.

I wonder-- do you think you can permanently injure yourself by crying too much? I can't seem to stop. I'm afraid my eyeballs might explode.

[goliath]

I wonder-- do you think you can permanently injure yourself by crying too much? I can't seem to stop. I'm afraid my eyeballs might explode.

Dianna,

My eyeballs would have exploded long ago if that were possible. Tears are important to shed as they help to release the hurt inside of us. Letting them go may be exhausting but necessary. Yogi's death is still very acute. Especially because of the way he died, I would imagine you are still in some state of shock and disbelief. No doubt your pain is still raw and most likely it will take alot of time before the tears slow down. I didn't think my tears would ever stop. My emotions were so out of whack that I didn't know when the tears would come nor when they would stop. Eventually I got some tear-free times that would seem to indicate I was doing better and then WAM, a thought would cross my mind and the tears would start all over again. My emotions were very sensitive for a very long time.

Just yesterday, one of my patients that I hadn't seen in a very long time came in. The first thing she asked me about was Goliath. At first I began to tell her that he had passed away and then a few seconds later I felt the tears begin to well up in my eyes. Somehow I was able to compose myself and we wound up having a wonderful conversation about how much love our furkids bring into our lives and enrich our own souls. We also talked about how much friendlier and compassionate animal lovers seem to be.

Your journey of healing will take time Dianna. You'll find yourself taking baby steps toward recovery. At times you will take bigger steps. Sometimes you may find yourself taking a few steps backward. You can expect many ups and downs as you are just learning now how to live in a different way. Adjusting to major changes in life is hard. I promise you that one day you will be able to speak of Yogi and smile once again.

Hugs,
Beth