Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[LoveThem]

you said:
It troubles me to no end that my GUT kept telling me to go further to get her checked out. I would like to believe it was just her time but I just feel without a doubt I could have taken steps to at least make it go slower and less painfully... I let my dog down; I just know it.

I am so sorry you both had to go through all you posted. What you said at the end (see above) is what I was talking about. If those "steps" were meant to be....it would have happened. Concentrate on the better times and also keep remembering she is at peace. What happened to her was not her fault and not your fault. Neither you nor her gave her the disease that became too much for her body. With everything going on at the time (and I believe something caused all that to be happening at the same time) ....it just became a hard to win situation. Especially when one feels they are fighting alone. You and Patsy (taking all her medications) certainly tried but if it is not meant to be...we just will not win that final battle.

Because of mine being my first emergency situation (extreme)...I felt so lost afterwards and even though I know I made the right decision at the time....I wondered if there was more I could have done. What I did was call the vet who saw my boy that day and left word I would like to talk to her about what happened when she had some time...since I was hysterical that day but was calmer now. She called me and talked to me about it all for quite a while and really reinforced that it was the right decision and said she is not allowed at the time to say that but afterwards....if he had been her kitty...she would have had to decide exactly as I did. It did help me to have that talk with the vet. I wish you could do that. Even if she had not called me, I was prepared to pay for an office visit....and go there and talk...but she did call me late that day so I didn't have to do that...but I would have..even if I had to talk to a strange vet about everything going on.... I asked if I did wrong not asking for exploratory surgery since he wasn't eating well but she said that was too much to ask of a cat 16 1/2 years old...and even if he survived that...if the suspected cancer was found...he would have gone through that..for no cure.

It just helped me to have a vet person, who sees these things happen, tell me for my boy's sake....there was truly no choice and also not the best for him to be put through more than the x-rays he already had and also had painful dental surgery a couple weeks before.

From all you have described, it really sounds like Patsy (bless her heart) had a serious problem but if she hadn't had you and hadn't become a part of your life...she would have gone through everything that was coming...without the help you were able to give her. She would not want you to feel as you do.

I know the feeling you describe as feeling like you let her down. I think of the ones I have lost in my lifetime and I believe I can remember always having that feeling myself..as if there should have been more I could have done even when neither I nor a vet can think of anything.

That's when we really do have to remember...we are not God..who can do everything. We are the imperfect humans He created and part of that imperfection is that we were never given the power to work miracles. That's why what makes sense to me is that these babies really do have a time limit being with us and all we can do is hope..we are given as much time as possible.

Rereading your post and what was happening since October 2006, you really, really did a lot for your baby. 2006 was not her time and you helped her so much. You and the vet tried and did help her. We know things do not always work every time and are thankful when we can try and it works. We just are not able to save them every time something happens...that's the sad, painful part of having them.

When I look at my boy's picture...all I can do is say to him how sorry I am I was not able to help him and that I miss him very much. He is not suffering anymore and I let him go...because it was best for him...and not for me. But I do remember and am thankful for the time we were together and health was not an issue.

It is hard to cope with the helpless, empty feeling such a loss creates. It takes time and we can only help ourselves by remembering they are at peace and we will love them and miss them forever. But they can never be truly gone when they are part of our heart and that's one place they can never leave.

Write, cry, grieve....whatever you need to do to get through the most painful period..of now.

You know your new Angel will love you forever and will be with you forever and she knows you did the best you were allowed to do...by the power that decided it was her time.