Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[goliath]

No matter how our pets pass away, the grief, sadness, and guilt overwhelms us. It's a blow like no other and takes it's toll on us mentally, physically, and spiritually. This journey of healing we all walk together is long and arduous.

When my Goliath passed away so suddenly nearly a year ago now, my life came to a screeching halt. He had gotten sick earlier in the evening and I rushed him to the ER where I was told ex-ray showed his stomach was very irritated and that he would be just fine. They gave me some antacids along wih some diet instruction for me to follow starting the next day. We came home from the Er and I was sitting in my chair feeling relieved that my sweet Goliath was going to be okay and he was laying right by the fireplace in his usual warm spot. Awhile later I was looking at him and he went into a seizure and I picked him up in my arms and in less than two minutes he was gone with the angels that we both knew were near.

I tried desperately to breathe life back into him to no avail. This couldn't be happening to us. Afterall, I did just get home from the ER. Even though the vet told me Goliath was going to be fine, I had this feeling that he wasn't going to be. I asked myself why I didn't push the vet harder..........why wasn't I more adamant about how I was feeling. There was something wrong!!! Why didn't I tell the vet my instincts were telling me that she was missing something very important? My gut has never lied to me before.

What I learned from this was that to never deny my gut feelings ever again. It was a tough and heartbreaking lesson to learn. Today if there is any question in my mind that nags at me, especially where my other furbabies are concerned, I will not dismiss it. I know I can't change the past, but I can make use of the knowledge I gained and use it to my benefit today.

Patsy loves you just as much as you love her. She doesn't hold you accountable for her death and wouldn't want you to think that you were. Her loving spirit will remain alive and well though her body has perished. The memories she left you are her gift of love for you to keep forever until you and she meet again in the next world which is eternal. Life is short.....Eternity isn't.

I didn't find LS until two months after Goliath passed away. Up until that time, I had all but given up hope in finding a way to accept Goliath's death. I merely existed and had stopped living. Through LS and the warm loving people here I began my journey of healing. It was here that I found hope, inspiration, and a will to live again. Each step of the way, I began picking up the broken pieces of my heart.

It's been a long road, but an amazing journey for me. Today my life is full of love and life. Each day is a gift for me to spend my time making each and every minute count. It is was what I do today that will become my memory tomorrow. Letting go of the pain and guilt allowed me to savor the memorable life Goliath and I shared together. I am so thankful that he enriched my life so much by teaching me such lessons of love and the importance of living each day to the fullest. Goliath lives within me and all around me. Today I know he never left me and will one day greet me at Heaven's Gate.

Keep coming, keep sharing, and you too will find yourself able to live once again in peace.

Much love and comforting hugs from my heart to yours,
Beth

[hope2heal]

Dear Beth,

Thank you for your listening, and for your kind words. I'm so very sorry to hear about Goliath; I can only imagine how devastating that must have been for you.

I know it is God who forgives (first), but I cannot right now find it in my heart to forgive myself for not getting Patsy checked out further; for not being able to make at least a PHONE CALL... I feel such anxiety at times with myself thinking: WHAT the heck was I THINKING? If she was here right now I wouldn't hesitate to act. Oh how I wish she was here now! How could I put things off like that? I must have been out of my mind.

I can't stand to think of how horribly I went against my gut feeling and logical thinking. It's unacceptable.

I know people say, We're human, we make mistakes. I just cannot accept the mistake I believe I made. I know at some point I suppose I will have to if I want to live a decent and productive life.

I just don't know when, if ever, I'll get through this (I know I'll never totally get over it). It is so hard for me to look at ANY animal right now; I feel like such a cruel and negligent person. Who would do that to their friend? I let her down.