Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[MeeksMom]

No one thinks you are a horrible person. The reason you are having such a hard time over this is proof you are not. Everyone of us would do something different if given the chance, but it is all hindsight. Try to find your own peace. It is what we are all trying to find. You gave your dog a family - other pets, kids, other companions. Sounds like she had a great life and was content. Where you failed to give attention, others did. My story is long, but maybe it can help someone.

A few days after I put my dog down just last week in the emergency clinic, I stopped at the local vet to let them know that Meeks passed. The vet assistant asked what happened. I told the assistant that after the emergency clinic evaluated her over 26 hours, with an ultrasound they found her stomach lining was inlarged to the point that it was blocking passage to the intestinal tract. Meeks was unable to eat or drink. They felt it was cancer because she wasn't responding to the IV antibiotics and there were several lymph nodes that were enlarged. To verify the diagnoses would mean that they would need to operate to biopsy. I opted to put her down. The vet assistant responded,"Why didn't you do the surgery?" I started to cry hard and felt horrible. It was a reasonable question but the guilt creeped in. I walked out of there thinking, I was a monster. All I could choke out as an excuse was she was so weak and I didn't think she would make it and it was so expensive. The reason I chose to euthanize Meeks was because I witnessed close family members pass with terminal illness. My father thought he needed a vacation, and while at his destination was diagnosed with terminal cancer. If people rationalize life-threatening illness as a cold, or feeling rundown, or just need a break, while failing to see what is happening to their body, how could I adequately care for a senior (12.5 years old) dog who is unable to communicate her wellbeing? The symptoms could easily be justified as a old age, or recovery, or being blind? Animals can mask symptoms. I worried that I would be putting her through this pain and discomfort from surgery and ongoing illness, all so that I would have a few more monthes with her. I'm not sure if I did what is right or wrong and will never know. If I thought money could have fixed the situation, like you I would have found it.

To add background if history helps, on an earlier weekend (previous 5 weeks) I noticed my dog couldn't see all of a sudden. She had a large cataract on that eye. She lost one eye due to uveitis, diagnosed over 5 years earlier. I took the dog to the emergency clinic . She was diagnosed with glacoma and medicated. On the 2nd exam the vet said that the drugs weren't working and eye separated from the optic nerve. I went back to my local vet to remove the second eye within the week. All necessary tests/exams of the health of the dog was performed before the surgery. After the surgery there was a small complication where Meeks had issues with eating because of a hematoma that caused swelling in her face. Over the next few of weeks, she was doing much better with 3 visits/reviews by the vet. On one of those revisits to the vet I discussed putting Meeks in a recommended kennel (by the vet) for 2 weeks for a planned vacation. I was hesitant because it was so soon after the surgery but she was doing well. I hadn't vacationed in 2 years and needed to get away. I called the kennel while away, the kennel said she wasn't eating well but that was to expected. We were seldom apart. When I returned from the vacation the dog was in horrible shape. She was unable to eat or drink without vomitting. She was weak and dehydrated. At the beginning of the month she weighted 30 lbs and was down to 22lbs. To say I was overcome with guilt would be an understatement. Why did I go on vacation so soon after her surgery? Why vacation, my family hasn't had good luck on them (bad joke but it is my story so I think I can say it if I can make someone laugh). Why didn't I do more after the loss of appetite after complication from the surgery? She didn't lose all 8lbs in the 2 weeks in the kennel, I missed something.

When I first got my dog Meeks, like a lot of you, I got her from a shelter. The shelter was advertising beagle pups and when I walked into the pen area to view them, a medium brown dog began to bark, jumping and crashing into the door of the pen. There were people in the area also, so I thought all the visitors was disturbing the dog. As I left the room the dog quieted. 3 or 4 times I enterd and left the area because of the commotion of this dog. Each time I returned to the pen area, even though there were others reviewing dogs, the dog re-acted. I left with that dog. She picked me. She was 2 years old. I didn't know her fur was black until I had her about a month. The fact that she was untrained was errelevant because she never left my side. I saved her life that day and then twice after with the eye surgeries and let her pick her owner, but yet all that is currently overshaddowed with the feeling that I let her down this last time. You can't experience that bond and not ache over losing it, no matter what the situation.

[hope2heal]

Dear MeeksMom,

Thank you for writing and sharing Meeks' story. I am so sorry to hear of her passing. You and she had been through so much. I love the way you told of how she picked you...

I find it just beautiful how others here who have so recently suffered a loss are tyring to console me. It's been 3 months for me, though it may as well have been yesterday. The loss is so fresh for you, Meeksmom; it's amazing how you are able to give of yourself and try to help others.

I know this may not make you feel better, but I think you made the right decision. It probably sounds crazy, but I feel like I wish I could switch places with any of you--not in any way to belittle anyone's loss or to think that their suffering or grief is any less than mine--because I know it isn't. It's just because to me it still seems that everyone else made the right decisions with their animal--even when I read how they go through the Woulda Coulda Shoulda's. At least they further looked into things, unlike me. I still can't believe I did that. I guess I didn't think she was going to die...? I find what I did/did not do so unacceptable. Right now it hurts for me to see ANY animals, or to hear people talk about them. I feel like I'm undeserving of another animal's love.

Again MeeksMom, thank you for writing. I can see how much you and Meeks have loved each other. I believe she knows you did what you thought was best for her.