Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care And Then Lost Their Pet? Guilt Is Horribl Options

[hope2heal]

I had to put my dog to sleep in July and I am overwhelmed with guilt, for NOT FOLLOWING UP after my dog continued to show symptoms. We only had her for 2 1/2 years. She was a rescue dog, approx. 7 yrs old. In mid-spring she seemed hesitant in urinating (I thought it was maybe because we had lots of rain--which she hated--and foxes coming in the yard marking territory--she would pee faster when I took her out front); then drinking seemed a little less. I took her to the vet and she tested negative for a UTI (she was on immunosuppressant drugs to keep an auto immune illness in check; had had 2 UTIs before). Vet just said urine was highly alkaline and had crystals. I asked if that could be from diet he said sometimes; gave no recommendations. I was always catching grief from spouse re: vet bills; I know that had some influence in my not looking further into this. My gut kept telling me something was not right but I kept dismissing it. I was always on top of things for her EVERY other time, but currently feeling quite a strain in my marriage. It sickens me now, after doing research I believe she may have had kidney stones or some blockage, and slowly became toxic and organs shut down. Here I was planning to finally take her back in to the vet the week following July 4th but she suddenly crashed. Hospital gave diagnosis of Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia (she had become anemic, but I wonder if it's because her liver probably shut down. Hospital didn't check her liver numbers so I'll never know for sure I suppose). (I was so upset at hospital I didn't remember to tell them about peeing symptom.)

I feel like no one here has or would do such a horrible thing. I feel I let my dog down, that I LET HER DIE! HOW could I DO such a thing? Why didn't I research her symptoms more? Here I am now, doing it AFTER she's gone. I always knew that kidney failure was excessive drinking and urinating, so that was another factor in my dismissing it. BUT I do remember having the thought before of Could there be a blockage? and I apparently DISMISSED IT! My dog was having symptoms for WEEKS and I tried to explain it away to myself, Well she's drinking less, so there's less pee...BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't understand why I did that. I would never have intentionally hurt her, yet I feel like I just let her go. I had an uncertain feeling, but didn't follow through. I can't get past this. I'm attending a Pet Loss Support group which I've found to be somewhat helpful. Have made a couple friends there who are very kind but I sometimes wonder if they must think I'm just an awful person.

It hurts so much to see my dog's photos; she always looked so human. I see her face looking at me and feel I let her down so badly. I can't have her back now. How could I let her slip away?

[moon_beam]

Hi, hope2heal, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Patsy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with their company. Patsy knows you did the very best you could for her under the cir%%stances of the moment and the information you had at the time. We do not have the gift of foresight, only the benefit of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our guilt when our furbabies predecease us. EVERYONE goes through the guilt stage of grief, hope2heal, so what you are feeling is normal. When I was much younger I had a kitty that I inherited from a family member. The changes I saw in her I thought were due to age - - not illness. She had regular check ups at the vet, and at no point in time did the vets in the practice ever mention to me anything about kidney disease. My mom and I boarded her with the vet when we took a week's vacation, and when I called to make arrangements to pick her up when we got back home, the vet who was on duty told me she nearly died and that I was irresponsible and he might not release her back to me. Needless to say I was devastated, and my mom was very livid. We went to the vet's office, and one of the other vets talked to us. My mom told him what the other vet said to me, and he was upset. He assured me that my kitty's kidney problems were age related but that they could be controlled. With his direction and kind guidance, we had two more years with my kitty. This happened many many many many - - well, many years ago, but that experience has always stayed with me. I have gone on to make other mistakes with other furkids I have had through the years. Our furkids are masters at disguising how they are feeling - - it's a survival method they have inherited from their wild ancestors and cousins. By the time our furkids atart exhibiting noticeable symptoms the illness is usually very advanced and the prognosis not very encouraging. The bottom liine is Patsy knows you love her and did everything in your power that you had at the time to do the very best for her. Another situation I experienced was when I was growing up - - my dad did not believe in taking care of any animals in the household. Vets were, in his opinion, another way to "squander" (his eaxct word) his money. It sounds to me you had pressures that Patsy also understood, and understood the "consequences" of what you might have had to face if you had made different decisions. Since we do not live in a vacuum decisions we make are based on the cir%%stances in which we live at the time. Please know that Patsy does not hold you responsible for what happened, and she most certainly does not want you to feel guilty, for guilt robs us of the joy of the memories we have of the lifetime shared with our furkids, and our furkids want us to be happy. Hope2heal, this grief journey has many different twists and turns, ups and downs, and different levels of intensities. I hope that you will eventually be able to come to a peace in your heart so that you can embrace Patsy's sweet living Spirit that is forever with you - - just in a different dimension. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, hope2heal. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let ud know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hope2heal]

Moon_beam,

Thank you so much for writing. It haunts me though, as I read of your kitty, how you WERE able to get her treatment and she stayed with you much longer.
My gut kept telling me over and over something wasn't right and I kept on dismissing it. I just thought today: WHY, if I was worried about the cost, didn't I just CHARGE IT! Who cares?! Hubby said to me on many occasions (though I always thought he loved Patsy) that 'There's only so much money I'm willing to spend on an animal.' He's the "breadwinner" here, too. I'm sure my parents would have given me money if necessary. It's as if I was so stressed out at the time I couldn't think straight.

I don't think Patsy would want me to be upset either, but I CANNOT stop thinking of what I believe she must have suffered. All day I feel anxiety; once in a while I feel calm. The only peace I have is while sleeping, and while talking with friends who understand. I wish I could talk to someone CONSTANTLY but I know that's not possible, or realistic.

I just can't understand what was so difficult about my making a phone call to the vet; that woulnd't have cost anything...and Patsy has paid with her life.

She was being treated for Demodectic mange at the time too with a heavy duty drug. She was also on an immunosuppressant. WHY didn't I think more seriously about how important drinking water was?? I remember feeling afraid about the situation, yet frozen in doing anything. I had spent money before and "surprised" hubby. Thing that gets me is he's spent THOU$and$ on guitars and his musical hobby, but always complained when I spent nearly anything--and I never did crazy stuff with the money. Sometimes when I bought groceries he even complained about the price of that. I'd Say: "It's FOOD, not jewelry and makeup!"

I just feel as if this is never going to soften. I feel responsible for an innocent life. I miss her so much.

[Jon730]

Maybe that no matter what we do, no matter how promptly we treated, the friend is gone. Nothing we ever did will have, looking back, been good enough.
We can all remember, if we try hard enough, all the little clues that we missed that all was not well.

What is, is. Do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself, because it is already horrible enough. Probably, you are not a vet, so why demand that of yourself? It is not fair.

For example, I could blame myself for not watching that innocent little lump on Miles' chest carefully enough, before it turned into the metastatic cancer that killed her. I can dig back thirty years, if I really want to be miserable, and blame myself for feeding Sheva dry food that gave him kidney failure. I can go back fifteen years to not being forceful enough about Matilda the Aussie Terrier's penchant for eating Amanita Mushrooms. And on and on. It does not do our friends any good and it does not do ourselves any good.

Often in a loss, we need to blame someone, so we can shift the misery and convert it to outrage. But beating someone up, even if it is ourselves, does no good at all, and prolongs and worsens the pain. How many people on here must surely have gone through the "If Only" stage? I bet it is common. So recognize it for what it is, and don't go there. Our friends gave 100% of their lives to make us HAPPY. Honor their spirit by letting them continue to do it as long as we live and remember them.