My Sweet Cleo Options

[Cleo'smom]

I lost my dear,sweet dog Cleo Saturday morning. She was a 10 year old spaniel mix that I rescued from a shelter as a puppy. I ache so deeply, my stomach is in a knot, my heart is broken and I alternate between hysteria and numbness because it hurts too much. I loved her so much that I was keenly aware how horrible it would be to lose her, and now that has happened.

It happened so quickly that I am still in shock. She seemed listless Friday night and then we saw our other dog Rufus curl up next to her on the floor. They NEVER had snuggled together like that so I immediately became concerned that other dog knew something I didn't. I lay with Cleo on the floor petting her, loving her, worried that something might be really wrong. I was sick and it was late and the kids were asleep, so my husband took her to the ER vet after I noticed she seemed to have a tremor. She had a seizure as he carried her into the vet. They put her on an IV and gave her some valium then ran blood and urine tests that showed her protein was low, she was anemic, had low blood pressure but nothing specific. Later an ultrasound, then finally an x-ray as she continued to decline in the early morning. I spoke with the vet on the phone and he said there was a spot on her lungs that was very likely cancer and she was very listless and dull. He did not tell me that she was actively dying, so, although I was very upset, I didn't know just how bad it was. My husband had plans to bring her to our own vet in 2 hours but she never made it. I had to find a sub for my work before I could join them- I was sobbing an frantic. My husband and two little boys got to see her but she was already unconscious and then she stopped breathing and then started again but the vet said that she was going fast and that it would be best to put her to sleep. I arrived about 50 minutes later. She was still warm and I hugged and kissed her and told her sorry I was for a long time. I couldn't believe she was gone so fast. I wasn't ready, would never have been ready, but still thought she had several years left.

I got Cleo before I had children and she truly was my first baby. The first three years on her life she was well a behaved princess and we doted on her constantly. She never ran away, rarely destroyed things, never scratched or whined. She was always SO happy to see you and had bright brown eyes and a wagging, feathery tail. Then we got a 2nd dog, had 2 children and she was crowded out of the spotlight. She never complained, was never pushy, didn't seem resentful. She deserved more attention the past few years than she got and for that I feel sad. I never loved her any less but I'm sure it might have felt that way. So I feel some guilt for that.
The most guilt is that I wish I had seen the cancer sooner. There were so many signs, looking back. She had slowed down so much, her coat looked dry and dull, she kept having bouts of vomiting and diahrrea. I took her in at least 4 times to the vet and each time we did bloodwork and treated her for parasites or gave her some antibiotic. The last time, just 2 weeks ago, the vet suggested an ultrasound and x-ray, so that was our plan next. I have to think that knowing 2 weeks ago probably wouldn't have changed anything, but knowing 6 months ago might have. I kept just thinking she was getting old, not dying. Recently she had only been sleeping on the floor instead of on our guest room bed. She would stay in her bed for 12 hours in a row and we'd have to coax her to go outside. I feel ashamed that I did not do more aggressive diagnostics earlier. I will never know if it would have mattered. My ONLY consolation is that in going so quickly, I did not have to make the awful decision to end or extend her life when I knew she was suffering, or put her through lots of treatments that may have only given her an extra month or two for my own selfishness. I would have done anything for her. Anything.

I am just SO sad. I am trying hard not to beat myself up and second guess everything. I am trying to focus on just being sad that she is gone and not agonizing over an earlier diagnosis. I am trying to think of the happy times and all her adorable quirks and loving, generous nature. I know it will get better over time. I wish I could feel some comfort and peace. I wish Cleo would give me a sign that she's ok. I didn't mean for this post to be so long. Sorry. I also extend my deep sympathy for all the other stories posted here-each one makes me cry anew and I know we are not alone in our grief. Thanks for listening.

Attached image(s)