I'm Just Numb, This Isn't Happening., Going the wrong way on the grief cycle. Options

[Jaedon]

I felt like, when I made the decision to let Stella go.. my beautiful daughter, best friend, sole mate of a beagle, I had made my peace. It was the right thing to do for her, I OWED her that. She was only seven, and after fighting leptospirosis and kidney failure for two years, she had just given up. I cried for two weeks before I made the decision. I went through denial, then I was angry, then I could do nothing but cry, but then this sort of calm came over me, because I kept repeating the mantra, "It's not about me anymore, it's about her." And doing that, I could set myself aside and see how horrible she felt, how she herself was ready, and I knew what I had to do for her. But the procedure was horrible. It was horrible and I can't get the images out of my head. Afterward I felt dead, just as gone as she was. As if with her departure she took my soul. And since then I feel like a zombie, except for the times when I feel sick. I feel like I can't accept that she's gone. No matter what, I feel like she's just at the hospital again for treatment, and I'll see her in a few days. I can't fight through this fog, and I'm not sure I want to. For a long time, she was all I had-- my only friend, sometimes the only family speaking to me... she was everything. And now my instinct is that I have nothing. I'm hollow. I don't even know what "I" is anymore. I can't imagine life without her. Anyway, this is my first post, pretty much ever, online. I don't usually think people should be bothered with my worries, having enough of their own. But... I just don't know what to do. Any feedback would help me feel like I'm not so alone. This has been very stream-of-consciousness, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make the most sense.

[Missing Fleetwoo...]

Jaedon,

Please do not beat yourself up, you did the very best you could for Stella and she knows that! While the loss seems hard now, it will get a little easier over time. I don't think we ever get over the loss of our furbabies, but it is the love they gave us while they were physically with us that keeps us going. That unconditional love which lives forever in our hearts is what we all need to draw on when we are missing them the most. For me when I get to missing my Fleetwood so much the pain becomes unbearable I retreat into my heart and remember his purring and his warm fur next to me. I know he’s still looking out after me and on occasion I see him running down the hallway and know he is just looking in on us. Hang in there and know you can always come here for comfort.

Mark
Missing Fleetwood