The Saddest Day, My Best Friend is Gone Options

[bigdogmom]

Recently I wrote in about my dear 20 month old BullMastiff Butkus being diagnosed with TCell Lymphoma. We tried prednisone but the cancer was roaring through his body at an astonishing rate. We watched a loving and happy-go-lucky doggy friend drastically slow down, become very sick but still he remained stoic. Finally this afternoon after watching him having painful eliminations I decided he was suffering and so took him to the vet. She said it was my decision but she thought he was suffering also. Once I gave the go-ahead she left to get the shot. He thought it was time to leave and went to the door. It was heartbreaking and made me wonder if he was not ready to go to Dog Heaven yet. He was given the relaxant but even then he fought it. Finally he lay down asleep but his heart just wouldn't stop! It took several more shots with the vet apologizing profusely. The Tech said even as sick as he was he still had an incredibly strong heart! Finally he went to eternal sleep. I know deep down I did the best thing for him but I will forever wonder if he was asking me to give him more time. The guilt is overwhelming and my heart is broken. My other dog is searching high and low for his friend and does not understand. I've faced this type of pain many times before but the guilt seems to be so deep this time. I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for not giving him just a little more time.
I love my Angel Baby Butkus and will forever hold him in my heart. Dear Butkus, please forgive me and know I love you forever.

Thank you all for giving me a place to air my grief. Bless you all.
Big Dog Mom

[LoveThem]

I am so sorry to hear about Butkus. I have gone through too many battles with cancer and it wins.
You did everything you could for Butkus and he knew that. After such a decision what helps me is knowing they are not suffering anymore and if I had delayed...even that suffering would have been worse. I could never do that to such a sweetheart.

All you can do is the best you know how and through your vet..the best she knew to do. But when it is their time to leave us...all we can hope is we can give them peace...they deserve that.

You said: but the cancer was roaring through his body at an astonishing rate. We watched a loving and happy-go-lucky doggy friend drastically slow down, become very sick but still he remained stoic. Finally this afternoon after watching him having painful eliminations I decided he was suffering and so took him to the vet.

You cannot feel guilt about this. Cancer is painful (people tell us that). These babies would suffer anything to stay with us. When there is no cure....when the quality of life is truly gone ("painful eliminations")...it is the right decision. We want them to be with us longer and perhaps that is why the thought comes to us..to have kept them longer. But if what they have is not curable and they are suffering silently just to be with us....we cannot feel any guilt about the decision to give them peace and know they will never suffer again. I can understand guilt only if we allow them to suffer because we want to keep them with us..in spite of their suffering. I can't repay unconditional love that way and neither did you.

We will love and miss them forever but please do not feel any guilt..it is never a decision we make lightly and many times we question it later but we know at the time it was the right thing to do for them. (I had a dog years ago fight going to be xrayed..the first time in her life she did that as though she knew what would be found meant she would not be able to go home with me.)

It is their instinct to remain with us no matter how they feel. We have to be the parent who makes the decisions we never want to.

Physically Butkus is in a better place. His soul and spirit are a part of you and so he will truly always be with you. He is a part of your heart and will remain there forever.

I am glad you have Rottie. It really helps not to try healing alone.

My favorite Mom's sayings is: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That thought has helped my thinking many times. No guilt, please. Just know Butkus is at peace. His disease was not his fault or your fault and you two did the best you could to fight it and each day you had each other without true suffering was blessed. But in time...the disease will take over and we just love these sweethearts way too much to let any disease make them suffer when there is no cure. You did the right thing for your baby. Never forget that.

Hugs to you and Rottie...and a special hug for that new Angel...Butkus..that beautiful boy!

Judy