The Saddest Day, My Best Friend is Gone Options

[bigdogmom]

Recently I wrote in about my dear 20 month old BullMastiff Butkus being diagnosed with TCell Lymphoma. We tried prednisone but the cancer was roaring through his body at an astonishing rate. We watched a loving and happy-go-lucky doggy friend drastically slow down, become very sick but still he remained stoic. Finally this afternoon after watching him having painful eliminations I decided he was suffering and so took him to the vet. She said it was my decision but she thought he was suffering also. Once I gave the go-ahead she left to get the shot. He thought it was time to leave and went to the door. It was heartbreaking and made me wonder if he was not ready to go to Dog Heaven yet. He was given the relaxant but even then he fought it. Finally he lay down asleep but his heart just wouldn't stop! It took several more shots with the vet apologizing profusely. The Tech said even as sick as he was he still had an incredibly strong heart! Finally he went to eternal sleep. I know deep down I did the best thing for him but I will forever wonder if he was asking me to give him more time. The guilt is overwhelming and my heart is broken. My other dog is searching high and low for his friend and does not understand. I've faced this type of pain many times before but the guilt seems to be so deep this time. I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for not giving him just a little more time.
I love my Angel Baby Butkus and will forever hold him in my heart. Dear Butkus, please forgive me and know I love you forever.

Thank you all for giving me a place to air my grief. Bless you all.
Big Dog Mom