Does It Ever Get Better? Options

[CheriAnn]

Hello,
I am new here, and unfortunately, I found myself in need of searching for a support group as wonderful as this one is. Since I am new here, I hope I don't do this wrong or say anything that I shouldn't. So, please forgive me if I make a mistake or if this is too long. I am doing this at the suggestion of a friend to help me with my grief.
I had to make that terrible decision yesterday to end my dog's suffering. Rachael was a black lab, 12 years old and she was my very best friend. She had developed arthritis a year ago, so I watched her slow down. Yet, her spirit was still like a puppy and you never knew if she was suffering. She still wanted to run and chase her tennis ball, lay her in "kiddie" pool, and always happy, wagging her tail. Her mind was always alert, right up to yesterday when I took her to the vet. However, last Tuesday she just suddenly became too weak and could barely get up and down. She stopped eating and just laid around all the time. My husband and I took her to the vet and were horrified to discover she had been bleeding internally for quite some time. She never showed that anything was wrong, other then having to get up and down slowly, which I assumed was from her arthritis (which adds more guilt for me). Since she's had tumors removed in the past, we know she had that terrible history and indication of cancer. The vet gave us medications to treat a bleeding ulcer, in hopes that was the problem. The vet did tell us that if she didn't get better, it was the worst case, from a cancerous tumor and there was nothing we could do. We prayed and watched over her from Tuesday night until yesterday afternoon. She just wasn't getting any better. Each day we watched her grow weaker and drop weight, since she wouldn't eat. By yesterday morning, when we picked her up and got her steady, she wouldn't even try to walk anymore. Her breathing started sounding louder, like she was having trouble. I knew I had to end her suffering, but she didn't make it easy. She was still so alert! She would pick her head up and look at us when we entered the room and wag her tail. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life! I battled with the guilt of ending her life. Did I have the right thing, or should I have let "Mother Nature" do it? Well, I decided I had to love her enough to let her go peacefully before the suffering just got even worse.
My next hardest decision was being with her when it happened. I didn't think I could handle watching her pass, yet I felt I owed it to her to be there, holding her when she passed. I did lay with her and hold her, as I watched her take her last breath.
I expect the pain and mourning, she was with me for so many years, and as you all have expressed, they all have their own unique traits that will never be forgotten. But my question is does the pain ever get bareable? I know it just happened yesterday, but will I always be haunted by the sight her passing? That is what tears me up the most. I made that decision and I watched as it happened. That just tears me up and makes me feel so guilty. Is there anything I can do to get through this period?
I should also mention, we have an adorable 3 years old black lab male, Danny. I know he will have to adjust to not having her around anymore too. He just loved her so much too! He would always go and lay down right next to her all the time. I'm trying so hard to not cry in front of him.

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[CheriAnn]

Thank you everyone! I do "live" at this site daily. Even at work, I make time to come in here and read what everyone else is experiencing too.
My brother sort of "shook" some sense into me the other day. I kept crying and talking about watching her take her last breath. He told me I had over 10 years of WONDERFUL memories with her, so why was I dwelling on those last few minutes of her life? That seemed to make some sense to me. Rachael gave me MANY years of good times and happy memories. Why wasn't I dwelling on those instead of her death? So,I keep trying to tell myself to remember those good times instead. I have been a roller coaster of emotions, though. I spent days in endless tears, thinking I would never be able to stop. Then suddenly I just stopped feeling. It had only been a few days. I've read some postings in here from people that experienced that too, but it didn't seem to happen to them as quickly. It only lasted about a day though, and now I am back to constant pain. Too many things remind me of her and make my heart ache so badly. I wrote a letter to her in the tribute section, and I think it helped some.

I have printed up some of the beautiful poems that I have been reading in this forum. I have them posted on my cubicle wall at work. My favorite one, and the one I keep reading MANY times a day, is the poem "May I Go Now". Tacked with them all are pictures of my Rachael.

Still Grieving,
Cheri