Make It Stop Options

[suzanne5]

I put my beloved Brutus Beefcake to rest on Monday. I couldn't bear to watch him lose his dignity. He was already on 2 meds twice a day, thyroid pill and Lasix due to fluid buildup in his lungs and heart area making it hard for him to breath. He had awful breathing episodes where he seemed to be suffocating and all I could do was hold him and cry. The lasix treatment DID help and got me 6 more weeks. He also had kidney failure starting, he was almost 18. I adopted him from a shelter when he was 2, i just fell in love the moment I saw him.
He and I had a wonderful life. I live alone so it was him and me against the world. When he started getting sick, the reality of their short lives came crashing down. He had such a great life, I vowed not to let his end be filled with suffering. I think he held on those last weeks because he didn't want to leave me alone. But that last day I just couldn't take it anymore. He totally stopped eating, was breathing labored again, and would lay around in dark corners just staring out. That morning, he managed to jump on the couch (low energy of course), and he laid next to me and with his head down just held the top of his head against my leg. It was breaking my heart, but I knew that was the day I had to bring him in and put him down.
I knew I'd be sad, but my grief is beyond comprehension. I didn't know it'd be quite this bad. The empty feeling I get coming into my house is so hard to take, i dont even want to come home. I'm so lonely without him.
I just want this grief to end, its making me physically ill. I want to be able to remember him how he was, healthy and full of life, not the last few months where he was sick and going downhill. Also the guilt of my decision is always going to haunt me. Did I do the right thing? What if we tried upping the lasix dosage like the vet suggested and seeing what happened, would that have made him better again temporarily? Or would that just be postponing the inevitable? I felt in my heart that he was exhausted that last day and was telling me it was ok.
I can't stop sobbing, and holding back tears all day at work. I couldn't work for 2 days, didn't get off the couch, I stared at the tv like a zombie, have hardly eaten.
I know you all know how it feels, and I know 'with time' this will all feel better. my brother wants to give me a kitten, but i just don't feel I'm ready for that. I can't replace Brutus. But the void I feel is unfathomable.
Its made me question my own mortality, the progression of time, and decisions I've made in my life. I feel so alone, divorced for years, no children. Brutus was IT for me. Now he's gone. I walk around numb. 'Its just a cat" i keep telling myself, I can get another one. But it doesn't help. Brutus was special. He was NOT 'just a cat'. I feel like a human being in my family died, thats how painful this is.
I know you all understand. Thanks for listening.

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[AngelCareOne]

{{{{{Suzanne}}}}} Jon and LuvLabs couldn't have said it better. I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful fur baby Brutus Beefcake. Such an Angel. My heart cries with yours. Of course you feel the way you do since you and Brutus lived alone and he was your world. As far as crying, please allow yourself to cry as often as you feel the need. I understand that's hard to do when you're at work so you kind of have to find a way to "put it on a shelf" in the back corner of your mind until you get home and can release your tears, sorrow, grief and pain. I know that I screamed and cried and screamed and cried for months with my loss and have never done that with another fur kid or feather kid when they passed on to The Rainbow Bridge. Sure, I cried for all of them. But I screamed and cried more for this last one than I even did when my husband died and he's not just a hard act to follow. He's an impossible act to follow.

You're probably feeling the same about your precious Brutus Beefcake right now. What a hard, if not impossible, act to follow. I feel your pain so deeply that it's physical, Suzanne. No one will ever be able to take your fur kid's place. We know that. Please know I'm winging many Angels your way to comfort and guide you through what must be one of the most gosh awful difficult times of your life. You and Brutus are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm lighting virtual candles for you both, too. I find it helps me because it's such a loving experience. Here's the link to Light a Candle online if you wish to light any candles for Brutus, yourself or any reason. Just click on the Light a Candle image. It's completely free and you can light as many candles and as often as you wish.

Again, I'm so sorry for your great loss, Dear One. Please come back and talk more when you're able. I know it will be so difficult to do through your tears. We understand and care! Please know how much you are loved!

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[suzanne5]

You are all so kind to take the time to write these responses, I"m overwhelmed. I thank you from teh bottom of my heart. I'm crying as I read these, but they are truly beautiful words from people that TOTALLY understand what I'm going through and aren't belittling it. I'm so thankful I found this site, I believe it is going to help me get through this.
I have to stop reliving those last days, and especially THE last day, it is destroying me. I have to work on remembering Brutus in his vibrant days. I have to realize that I did what I thought was right for my boy, I loved him so much I would never do anything to harm him. i miss his eyes, looking up at me as he laid on me on the couch. He also liked to walk over my stomach OVER and OVER as I sat on the couch, lol. He was just too much. God I'll miss him.
I understand that noone will ever 'replace' him. I can't go too long without the love of an animal. I will go rescue another cat soon, I think someone is waiting for me. And hopefully the spirit of Brutus will be there to help me choose.
Thank you all again so much, it means alot to me.