My Beautiful Aretha Is Gone..., Feline leukemia took my baby away Options

[Aretha's mom]

On Thursday afternoon, my beautiful, beautiful baby, Aretha, passed...
She was only 20 months old, a unique cat in every way. Beautiful, intelligent, loving and devoted.
We rescued her from the street, when she was only 6 weeks old. She lived indoors, so the leukemia virus was probably passed on to her by her mother, when she was born. She was completely healthy at first, started showing the first symptoms when she became one year old. We had her tested and she was found positive for the FeLV.
During the past 8 months we tried EVERYTHING: dimethylglycine, steroids, regular interferon administered orally, feline interferon by injection. Nothing seemed to work. My poor baby kept losing weight and becoming weaker and weaker, her hematocrit kept getting lower. On Thursday morning, I woke up and found her breathing very heavily. I rushed her to the vet who did a CBC and found that her hematocrit was terribly low -barely 10. He told me that euthanasia was the only humane option.
Deep down I knew it too, I had known it for some time now. But no matter how prepared you think you are, when that time comes you feel so helpless and frustrated. I stayed with her for about 2 hours, crying my heart out, until I could finally muster the strength to tell him to proceed with the injection.

She was my baby, I miss her so much it feels like my insides have been torn apart. I still can't sleep for longer than a couple of hours without waking up in tears. My boyfriend and my other cat, Leon, (who fortunately tested negative for this horrible disease) are doing their best to comfort me and I'm grateful for that. But I just can't get her out of my mind. It hurts so much, even physically.

My beautiful girl, I love you so much...

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[LoveThem]

Those pictures are beautiful. Aretha kind of reminds me of my Little Girl. She was a black short-haired. Her brothers, who were twins, were also black but were medium or long-haired (I'm no expert). I lost her in 2006, the boys..one in 2002 and my Little Guy..who is my avatar was last September. I have her pictures in the Tributes Section here if you want to see what I mean about looking similar.

My 3 kittens were born in my backyard to a feral mom. When I took over their care, they first went to the vet and were checked out and tested for FeLV. I 'm glad they were negative considering they were born to a feral mom and dad. At least they had a starting chance. Your baby deserved so much more time...I'm so sorry she had the disease.

Yes, the pain is horribly intense and it is there physically too. No matter how much time we have with them...it is never long enough but it is especially heartbreaking when one is so young like Aretha. I love her kitten picture when you first got her. And then I could see she was growing up into a gorgeous young lady. Diseases will take many of these special ones as they age but what comes when they are so young is even more cruel. And yes, as you said, when the time comes...you feel so helpless and frustrated...that happens every time.

It helps me to believe that these sweethearts have a time they will leave us and when that time comes, we will be helpless and frustrated because there will be nothing we can do to cure them..that is the cruelest thing of all. If we are lucky, they will be with us longer but whether the time is long or short...the pain is the same...it is intense..it is devastating. All we can do is cry, and cry again.
The tears do not take away the pain but they are the best outlet we can think of at the time. It is missing them that causes so much pain and since we will always miss them...the pain never goes away completely. Over time, it becomes less intense and we can look at their pictures without crying each time. But when the loss is recent....we do whatever helps us get through each day.

I am glad you have the support of your boyfriend and your other sweetheart, Leon. Hugging both of them can help. And
remembering what one Mom here said I live by: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.
And, we KNOW how great this pain is but it still does not compare with that JOY. I have pictures of my babies in every room so I look into their eyes when I enter a room and I find a comfort in that although I know they are not with me physically, the fact they ARE in that picture..healthy and happy...helps. I also have my Little Guy as my desktop wallpaper and each morning I see his face when I turn on the computer and say Good Morning and when I turn it off, I say Goodnight. It's all I have left where I can look into his eyes and remember they were always watching me.

When we make the decision to give them peace...our pain starts and it is so hurtful..but we can't get away from it. Knowing we helped them as best we could doesn't make anything any easier but knowing they are not suffering helps somewhat.

Your girl looks so precious...she had to be easy to hug. I am so very sorry she had that disease. You tried to help her and I am sure she tried her best to stay but these horrible diseases always win the battle. That is hard to take. But the pain will always be the price we pay for letting them into our lives and our hearts....and...we would never give up having them..no matter what.

Hugs You have a pain we all know all too well for it is a part of us also. Write here to your baby's topic when you feel like it. Post more pictures if you feel like it. And, sometimes we even feel like writing a little letter to our special one...a way of talking to them again. Whatever makes you feel better is the right thing to do.