Waited Too Long Options

[LarrysMom]

The morning of July 24, 2008 I awoke to find that my beloved beagle Larry was dead. About 6 weeks earlier the vet told me he had cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes so it was just a matter of time. Not being able to make the decision to euthanize him at that moment I took him home. I could see that Larry was declining but I just couldn't make myself make an appointment with the vet. The night before, as I did every night, I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and that if he could not hang on one more day that I would be very sad but would always love him. He was 11 years old, an old man, but I wanted him to stay with me just a little longer. The day before he died I decided that the next day I would call the vet. This way my husband, a trucker and on the road the days prior, would be home to accompany me. During the night or early morning, Larry went out into the back garden. He must have had a seizure or passed out as I found my baby floating in the pool. The last place Larry would go was near any body of water, he hated getting wet, he wouldn't even go out if it was raining. All I can think of now is if I had not been so selfish and taken him to the vet sooner he would not have suffered. For the rest of my life I will carry the guilt of killing him. I held him close to me and cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that I let him down and that I didn't take care of him the way he deserved to be. Now when I look at the pool that at one time was the scene of many happy family actvities I want to vomit. I take full responsibility for passively killing my baby. I suppose it was fitting punishment that my husband was delayed comming home by an extra day and the task of burying Larry was left to me. I go out to his grave at least twice a day and ask him to forgive me. My family thinks I've lost all sanity and I don't dare talk about this with any of my friends. Since that day I just go through the motions of my life and pretend that everything is okay. It's too late for Larry but my husband has agreed to add a gate to the railing around the pool. He's only trying to make me feel better but it's too little too late.
I've posted this because some one told me it helps to share your pain.

[Jaedon]

Larrysmom,

I got a strange shock of deja vu while reading your post. When I was young, my family had a spaniel, Prince, who acted as my older brother. When he was 13, he was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know what kind, I was only 11 at the time, but I remember praying to God every night for Prince to be healed in exchange for the usual things an 11 year old offers (I'll keep my room clean, I'll get all A's, I won't back-talk, etc). I begged my mother not to put him to sleep.

One night, about six months after I found out about Prince's condition, my mother decided to go out with some friends while my little sister and I stayed home with a sitter. I let Prince outside about an hour before bedtime and forgot about him. As I was going to bed, however, I realized that he was nowhere around (he often slept with me). In a panic, I immediately raced outside with a flashlight. He was nowhere to be found in the yard, so, almost on instinct, I started scanning the pool. And that's where I found him, floating about two feet down in the deep end. I was horrified. The sitter came outside, made me go in the house, and scooped Prince out. He wrapped Prince in a towel and left him on a lounge chair, forbidding me from going back outside. My mother came home soon after, and also forbade me from seeing Prince one last time. I was in a horrible panic because I too felt as though I had been punished. It was I who refused to let Prince be put down humanely, I let him outside and forgot about him, and so I alone had to find him and never get to say goodbye.

It took me weeks to finally admit to myself that, while Prince was alive, he never showed any signs of resentment toward me. In fact, he was just as loving as he always had been. He knew that I couldn't handle his departure, so he held on for me as long as he could. And he didn't hold that against me. He loved me like a sister, as I'm sure Larry loved you as a mother. Being as old as he was, he probably thought of you as a sister, as well. The point is, he loved you and held on as long as he could for you. I don't think it was his intention, then, for you to beat yourself up the way you are. I don't think he would want that. Mourn for his loss, yes, but do not hold yourself accountable. You did not kill him, the cancer did. I cannot stress that enough.

As you may have read in my other posts, I just recently had to let my baby girl Stella go; she was also a beagle. She passed from acute kidney failure due to contracting leptospirosis. After letting her go, I couldn't help but think that I'd killed her. But I had to remind myself that I did not cause her passing, the lepto did. So d*mn the illness to h*ll, but do not d*mn yourself.

I'm not sure if this will help you, but when Prince passed my mom gave me a book of his photos, which I used to look through and talk to almost nightly. Yesterday I started making a scrapbook for Stella. It's just pictures and some do%%ents now, but I plan to go back and insert journal entries. It's starting to calm my heart a bit, like I'm paying proper tribute to her.

Anyway, we're all here for each other. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. It was not your fault.

Hugs,

Jaedon