I'm Just Numb, This Isn't Happening., Going the wrong way on the grief cycle. Options

[Jaedon]

I felt like, when I made the decision to let Stella go.. my beautiful daughter, best friend, sole mate of a beagle, I had made my peace. It was the right thing to do for her, I OWED her that. She was only seven, and after fighting leptospirosis and kidney failure for two years, she had just given up. I cried for two weeks before I made the decision. I went through denial, then I was angry, then I could do nothing but cry, but then this sort of calm came over me, because I kept repeating the mantra, "It's not about me anymore, it's about her." And doing that, I could set myself aside and see how horrible she felt, how she herself was ready, and I knew what I had to do for her. But the procedure was horrible. It was horrible and I can't get the images out of my head. Afterward I felt dead, just as gone as she was. As if with her departure she took my soul. And since then I feel like a zombie, except for the times when I feel sick. I feel like I can't accept that she's gone. No matter what, I feel like she's just at the hospital again for treatment, and I'll see her in a few days. I can't fight through this fog, and I'm not sure I want to. For a long time, she was all I had-- my only friend, sometimes the only family speaking to me... she was everything. And now my instinct is that I have nothing. I'm hollow. I don't even know what "I" is anymore. I can't imagine life without her. Anyway, this is my first post, pretty much ever, online. I don't usually think people should be bothered with my worries, having enough of their own. But... I just don't know what to do. Any feedback would help me feel like I'm not so alone. This has been very stream-of-consciousness, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make the most sense.

[John B]

Hey Jaedon, I know that you feel devastated beyond words right now. The dread and loss that you are carrying is heavy like a weight on you. I know because I felt the same. Let go of it and just accept that you feel like crap right now and be honest with your emotions. There is no quick fix. You will be sad for a long time, but there will come a time sometime in the future where you will be able to think about your baby without completely falling apart.

You will never never forget Stella. You will always feel her in your heart. Please go easy on yourself. stella would definately not want you to be overly sad at her passing. She was given as a gift to you for a short time, and that is cause for rejoicing, even if she is not with you physically.

I still think of my Sadie Mae every day...but now I can with a bittersweet peace. It does get better, but it will never be the same...nor should it be. Stella made a mark that can never fade. for right now just be patient with your feelings and emotions because they are acting a little crazy right now. Crazy but normal.

Take care
John