I'm Just Numb, This Isn't Happening., Going the wrong way on the grief cycle. Options

[Jaedon]

I felt like, when I made the decision to let Stella go.. my beautiful daughter, best friend, sole mate of a beagle, I had made my peace. It was the right thing to do for her, I OWED her that. She was only seven, and after fighting leptospirosis and kidney failure for two years, she had just given up. I cried for two weeks before I made the decision. I went through denial, then I was angry, then I could do nothing but cry, but then this sort of calm came over me, because I kept repeating the mantra, "It's not about me anymore, it's about her." And doing that, I could set myself aside and see how horrible she felt, how she herself was ready, and I knew what I had to do for her. But the procedure was horrible. It was horrible and I can't get the images out of my head. Afterward I felt dead, just as gone as she was. As if with her departure she took my soul. And since then I feel like a zombie, except for the times when I feel sick. I feel like I can't accept that she's gone. No matter what, I feel like she's just at the hospital again for treatment, and I'll see her in a few days. I can't fight through this fog, and I'm not sure I want to. For a long time, she was all I had-- my only friend, sometimes the only family speaking to me... she was everything. And now my instinct is that I have nothing. I'm hollow. I don't even know what "I" is anymore. I can't imagine life without her. Anyway, this is my first post, pretty much ever, online. I don't usually think people should be bothered with my worries, having enough of their own. But... I just don't know what to do. Any feedback would help me feel like I'm not so alone. This has been very stream-of-consciousness, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make the most sense.

[lindsay50312]

I am so sorry for your loss. It almost feels surreal, doesn't it? Like in any second you're going to wake up from this crazy dream, and there will be your best friend right next to you, healthy and the same as always. Though you will never forget your baby, time will reveal relief in remembering the good times you had with him instead of the end. My prayers will be with you.

[ann]

I am so sorry for your loss. It almost feels surreal, doesn't it? Like in any second you're going to wake up from this crazy dream, and there will be your best friend right next to you, healthy and the same as always. Though you will never forget your baby, time will reveal relief in remembering the good times you had with him instead of the end. My prayers will be with you.

Jaedon, Try not to think about going home to "ghosts". A warm hearted spirit instead. Excepting is extremely hard for me too. Not in one of my posts have I not looked at my avatar and think"I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm doing this". I say it too "how could this have happened to something so sweet and innocent, who never hurt a fly".(well, maybe a few mice, chipmonks, dragonflys, bees, birds, etc)I wish for you many happy dreams of your beautiful Stella. Post anytime. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks along with yours as well as everyone here..Hugs..Ann