I'm Just Numb, This Isn't Happening., Going the wrong way on the grief cycle. Options

[Jaedon]

I felt like, when I made the decision to let Stella go.. my beautiful daughter, best friend, sole mate of a beagle, I had made my peace. It was the right thing to do for her, I OWED her that. She was only seven, and after fighting leptospirosis and kidney failure for two years, she had just given up. I cried for two weeks before I made the decision. I went through denial, then I was angry, then I could do nothing but cry, but then this sort of calm came over me, because I kept repeating the mantra, "It's not about me anymore, it's about her." And doing that, I could set myself aside and see how horrible she felt, how she herself was ready, and I knew what I had to do for her. But the procedure was horrible. It was horrible and I can't get the images out of my head. Afterward I felt dead, just as gone as she was. As if with her departure she took my soul. And since then I feel like a zombie, except for the times when I feel sick. I feel like I can't accept that she's gone. No matter what, I feel like she's just at the hospital again for treatment, and I'll see her in a few days. I can't fight through this fog, and I'm not sure I want to. For a long time, she was all I had-- my only friend, sometimes the only family speaking to me... she was everything. And now my instinct is that I have nothing. I'm hollow. I don't even know what "I" is anymore. I can't imagine life without her. Anyway, this is my first post, pretty much ever, online. I don't usually think people should be bothered with my worries, having enough of their own. But... I just don't know what to do. Any feedback would help me feel like I'm not so alone. This has been very stream-of-consciousness, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make the most sense.

[oliver's mama]

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. you are still in the midst of the shock, there is no backwards...only through, and it takes a long time to be able to feel joy again. you go from knowing they're gone to utter shock and disbelief several times a day. it took me a good month to not cry everyday, and another to not cry every other day, and yesterday, after three months, i bawled pretty much all day. when you love someone-furry or not-for a long time, it should take time to get through it, and even then, there are scars. i think it will honestly take me years to really get to the point that i am only happy of his memory and can't think of the tragedy of his death, and even then i have some doubt. never think you are troubling anyone with your grief, this place is full of people who know and understand. some use their threads to write their loved ones letters, i did and it helped some. maybe try that and post pictures when you are able, it helps everyone when you share your story. take care and do it one day at a time.

sarah (oliver's mama)