My Chihuahua Marilyn, I miss her so much Options

[meens]

Hello there

I hope no one minds me posting, I am from the UK so I don't know what time this will reach people in the States. I have read all the posts on here since last Monday, when I had to put my baby girl to sleep. I have cried along with you and have only just got the courage to post something myself. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, and I have been through some tough times. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone. Marilyn was one of two sister chis that I have had since they were weeks old. She was 15, would have been 16 on 1 October. She was beautiful, the sweetest and most caring little dog. She was with me through relationship break ups, several house moves because of them and horrible neighbours. In 2005 I lost two babies, in January and July. Marilyn would lie on my tummy when I was pregnant, kissed my tears away when I was sad and was always, always there. Never judging, never saying cruel stuff like so many men have done and not minding when I cried and cried over losing my babies. When I was pregnant she wouldn't let me take a bath alone, she would scratch at the door til I let her in so she could check I was OK. I had to have baths with the door open from then on...

I have spent most of the last 15 years alone, a succession of rubbish relationships meant it was just me and my two girlies. I am sorry for going on and on, I don't even know if this makes sense but i am sobbing so much I can't see properly. Life feels empty, I still have her sister Chi Chi and a rescue dog called Betty but the balance in the house is wrong. Two bowls instead of three, one less dog bed, I am sure you know what I mean. My partner has been really good but I feel I am being such a burden to him. He doesn't really understand and only knew her for just over a year, though he did love her. I am in such a mess, I feel dead inside and my heart is broken. Thank you for reading this, just typing it helps. Any advice as to what to do to stop the pain, or when it gets better would be so appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this everyone and I am sorry for your losses too. Hal, I read all your posts and was in bits, you wrote so beautifully and I could totally relate to what you went through. Thank you once again - meens xx

[LoveThem]

I am sorry about the dreams. I didn't have that. I know that here in the forum...Havana (Jorge) lost his best canine friend, Buster at the end of June and he has a hard time sleeping but I think it is getting somewhat better. You might want to read his topic....I think you will find there a lot of his thoughts may be like some of yours. He expressed himself very well.

I rarely have bad dreams and when I do I found it is because I have my subconscious fighting my conscious mind and one time I realized it was cause I felt I lost control of my life...that others were planning my life for me...and so I made a conscious effort to take back control..at that time by starting to saying "No" to things I didn't want to do..and my nightmares left.

I still think there is a battle between the 2 parts of the mind...whether it is one part letting go and the other not wanting to let go....I don't know.

It might help to tell yourself over and over...the right thoughts. Like why you had to make that decision. What you saved Marilyn from going through. I just tell myself that when it is their time to leave us...it will happen...we can't stop it..and that to me is a fact I accept. I don't like it but I can accept it. Because then I realize that if they were meant to be with us longer, the vet would have found a way to help them and it would work. But when it comes down to no cure, no quality of life, and nothing good physically to hope for...there is only one answer. And so, I can look at pictures of my boy and say I am sorry but I remember he was all of a sudden really suffering and I could not allow that to happen to him. I didn't want to make the decision just as you didn't want to but we did it because we love them more than ourselves and so we couldn't keep them here for ourselves when we knew it was time.

So I say I am sorry when I think of my boy..but it was something beyond my control, beyond the vet's control, and that meant it was my boy's time to leave.

I can feel relieved he doesn't have to suffer anymore...or start to suffer worse when there is no help. I guess all that helps me sleep with my decision. There is no way I can question was it right because it was 1000% right.

Think of the gift of peace you gave Marilyn. You were blessed, as I, with many years (never long enough) of having them as part of our lives...happy, healthy times that we would never trade for avoiding this pain and sad time. Think about it all and tell yourself what you know to be true and reassure yourself there was nothing else to do. It was taken out of your hands.

I hope some of these suggestion about thinking helps and that you can realize just how much you actually helped your girl and know that she knows that too and so your dreams should be peaceful because that's what hers are now...peaceful.

And I read again above how looking at her empty bed hurt.. I can't do that. The pain is too much. I put everything away that looks like it is waiting for my baby...until a time way in the future I can look without intense pain. And, in some cases, dishes and things were used for new ones who came into my life when I was completely alone. I have everything that belonged to my special ones over the years...except them. I never throw it away but I pack it away and if some new baby can use it, I know my special one would not mind.

Hugs and sweet dreams. Marilyn is a very beautiful Angel who is watching over you as you sleep...so you never are alone.

Judy