My Chihuahua Marilyn, I miss her so much Options

[meens]

Hello there

I hope no one minds me posting, I am from the UK so I don't know what time this will reach people in the States. I have read all the posts on here since last Monday, when I had to put my baby girl to sleep. I have cried along with you and have only just got the courage to post something myself. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, and I have been through some tough times. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone. Marilyn was one of two sister chis that I have had since they were weeks old. She was 15, would have been 16 on 1 October. She was beautiful, the sweetest and most caring little dog. She was with me through relationship break ups, several house moves because of them and horrible neighbours. In 2005 I lost two babies, in January and July. Marilyn would lie on my tummy when I was pregnant, kissed my tears away when I was sad and was always, always there. Never judging, never saying cruel stuff like so many men have done and not minding when I cried and cried over losing my babies. When I was pregnant she wouldn't let me take a bath alone, she would scratch at the door til I let her in so she could check I was OK. I had to have baths with the door open from then on...

I have spent most of the last 15 years alone, a succession of rubbish relationships meant it was just me and my two girlies. I am sorry for going on and on, I don't even know if this makes sense but i am sobbing so much I can't see properly. Life feels empty, I still have her sister Chi Chi and a rescue dog called Betty but the balance in the house is wrong. Two bowls instead of three, one less dog bed, I am sure you know what I mean. My partner has been really good but I feel I am being such a burden to him. He doesn't really understand and only knew her for just over a year, though he did love her. I am in such a mess, I feel dead inside and my heart is broken. Thank you for reading this, just typing it helps. Any advice as to what to do to stop the pain, or when it gets better would be so appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this everyone and I am sorry for your losses too. Hal, I read all your posts and was in bits, you wrote so beautifully and I could totally relate to what you went through. Thank you once again - meens xx

[meens]

Thank you starbellied and beth for taking the time to reply to me. Your words were beautiful and inspirational and set me off crying all over again. I am so touched you took the time to reply. I didn't think it was possible to ever cry this much. If it wasn't for you two I don't know what I'd do, my boyfriend has just left the house to see his mum and dad, to be honest I don't think he could handle being around me. I fear this will put a strain on our relationship, me being so down. I am feeling really alone and life feels so empty and pointless. Sounds silly as I know I have Chi and Betty here but in some ways that makes the loss even more painful, I keep looking at Marilyn's favourite bed and its empty... God how I miss her. I wonder where she is, and whose looking after her. Do they know she liked those special tickle-under-chins, are they giving her the home cooked diet she loved and does she know how much I miss and love her?

I am sat here on my own in the lounge, the sun's shining outside but I haven't got the energy to do anything, so unlike me, I'm normally always on the go. I wanted to beg my boyfriend not to go out but that would have been selfish and yet I can't cope with being alone at the moment, I told him that but he still went.

Tomorrow (Monday) will be a week to the day she was put to sleep. It was the hardest thing I will ever do. I was on my own in the vets and as soon as he looked her over, and said to me, very gently "I think you know, don't you?" I broke down. Yes I guess I did know, I'd spent the day before cuddling her and telling her how much I loved her, I helped her wobble out to the garden to go toilet - bless her she never messed in the house. But she wouldn't eat the dinner she loved so much and when she drank water it made her throw up. So in my heart I knew. When you have had an animal in your life that long, when its just you and them, you know. You know every sound they make, every look they give you, you and only you know exactly what it means. Because they are part of you.

The Monday morning she seemed a little better, she woke up, had a wee outside and came in. Then - and I know now why she did it - she went out again, went slowly all round the garden, the whole way. She was having a last look at it, I realised after. Them old eyes didn't see too well but that cute little nose still worked, she sniffed the flowers and the soil and the lovely country air. I moved up out of London just over a year ago, to the countryside. Finally I could work part time, spend more time with my dogs like I'd promised them all their lives. I wish I'd done it years ago, they deserved that and I'm so sorry I didn't.

I rang the vet at 8.45am, to be told they didn't open til 9. "An extra 15 minutes" I thought. I sat on the chair with her in the conservatory, I cooched her to me and kissed her soft little head and told her how much I loved her. I didn't want to get up, I wanted time to stand still. I heard the church bell toll 9, I rang the vet. He told me to come in and I picked her up and we walked down the road (I can see the vets from the top of my road). We passed people in cars and workmen drilling the road. I was aware, but not aware. We checked in, sat quiet and waited our turn. It was a vet and vet nurse I hadn't seen before there but they were both wonderful, so kind and caring. I cried and cried though I didn't want Marilyn to feel my sadness, it was impossible. The vet said she had probably had a stroke, and she wouldn't get better. I'd promised her I wouldn't let her suffer, and now it was time to keep that promise. I asked if I could stay with her to the end, he said "Of course, you're her mum and she needs you". They gave me some time with her beforehand, I remember thinking it would never be long enough, and to try and think of the right things to say to her so that she knew how much I loved her. But I was sobbing so hard the words came out all wrong. I hope you understood Marilyn, I really do sweetheart.

Then they came back in and it was time. He talked to her even though she was deaf which I thought was so sweet, he told us what would happen. I remember him gently taking the clippers to her tiny front leg. All the while I was holding her tight to me. I watched the needle go in and he said "tell her what a good dog she was". She flinched a little as she was so tiny the vein was hard to get at, but she was as always, so brave. I told her she was a great dog, and I loved her so much and was going to miss her ... and the vet said "she's gone". I never even felt her slip away. I was shaking I was crying so hard, but I remember the nurse cuddling me and being so grateful for that. I think I'd have fallen over otherwise. We laid her on the table and again they let me have some time with her. I stroked her tiny body, I felt each one of her perfect little feet, and stroked her pretty apple head. Desperate to remember every little bit of her. When they came back in I cut a lock of her tail hair and from her ruff, they brought an envelope to put it in. He wrote her name on it. I'd already told him I wanted a private cremation for her, so I knew I had to leave her behind. Which killed me. "Look after her, please look after her" I said it over and over. I lay my head on her side and said "Thank you for being there when no one else was". Because she had been. And I turned and left her.

The vet kindly gave me a big wad of that blue hand towel stuff to wipe my tears and walked me to the surgery door. By now the waiting room was busy, full of people with healthy, big bouncy dogs, just coming in for their jabs, or a torn paw or the like. They must have seen me, crying my heart out but unable to stop. So much for the British "stiff upper lip". I mumbled something to the vet about paying, he just said "Later". And then I walked home, passed the cars and workmen, still drilling, sobbing into the blue hand towel. Holding an empty collar and lead and an envelope with "Marilyn" written on it.

I got home and cried like I had never cried before, from the bottom of my lungs and beyond. The hurt and loss were a physical pain, well you feel it when your heart breaks. I remember Betty coming up to me wagging her stumpy tail slowly with her sad rescue dog expression. And Chi opening one grumpy eye to look at who woke her from her sleep. They were there, but I was alone.

I sat down in the same chair as I had earlier that morning, when I'd held my precious girl to me. Now I sat with just her empty collar and lead and the envelope in my hand. Fifteen, nearly sixteen years we were together. Crying and crying. The church bells tolled 10am. One hour, that's all, yet my life will never be the same again.

Goodbye for now Marilyn, I love you, my beautiful angel. Thank you for being there when no one else was.

From your mum, who loved you so very much ***