My Chihuahua Marilyn, I miss her so much Options

[meens]

Hello there

I hope no one minds me posting, I am from the UK so I don't know what time this will reach people in the States. I have read all the posts on here since last Monday, when I had to put my baby girl to sleep. I have cried along with you and have only just got the courage to post something myself. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, and I have been through some tough times. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone. Marilyn was one of two sister chis that I have had since they were weeks old. She was 15, would have been 16 on 1 October. She was beautiful, the sweetest and most caring little dog. She was with me through relationship break ups, several house moves because of them and horrible neighbours. In 2005 I lost two babies, in January and July. Marilyn would lie on my tummy when I was pregnant, kissed my tears away when I was sad and was always, always there. Never judging, never saying cruel stuff like so many men have done and not minding when I cried and cried over losing my babies. When I was pregnant she wouldn't let me take a bath alone, she would scratch at the door til I let her in so she could check I was OK. I had to have baths with the door open from then on...

I have spent most of the last 15 years alone, a succession of rubbish relationships meant it was just me and my two girlies. I am sorry for going on and on, I don't even know if this makes sense but i am sobbing so much I can't see properly. Life feels empty, I still have her sister Chi Chi and a rescue dog called Betty but the balance in the house is wrong. Two bowls instead of three, one less dog bed, I am sure you know what I mean. My partner has been really good but I feel I am being such a burden to him. He doesn't really understand and only knew her for just over a year, though he did love her. I am in such a mess, I feel dead inside and my heart is broken. Thank you for reading this, just typing it helps. Any advice as to what to do to stop the pain, or when it gets better would be so appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this everyone and I am sorry for your losses too. Hal, I read all your posts and was in bits, you wrote so beautifully and I could totally relate to what you went through. Thank you once again - meens xx

[oliver's mama]

greetings meens,

yes your post did make it here, the only thing might be that while you sleep people will be posting and vice versa. please accept my deepest condolances, i am in tears over your story. it hit right where i still hurt, the loss of a friend who saw it all, the changing of even mundane routines, the deafening absence and although you said your partner loves marilyn, i think you know what i mean when i speak of the special burden of being the only one who really knew and loved them. others knew and liked my oliver, including live in exes, however he was mine and mine alone, and i was the only one who knew and loved him, and reaped from the lover personality he possessed. he along with my others represent my entire adult life, as soon as i came back from college, i got an apartment and got cats. to have that not be anymore will hurt in ways i cannot even fully think about.

can't say it ever gets better, other's have said that it gets different and i would say that is a fair description. i am three months into my loss, and while the crying has subsided (not stopped entirely though), the agony has yielded to resigned acceptance. late into month 2 was a markedly calmer time for me. really though, losing him was the worst time of my life. i don't expect for that to only take weeks/months to heal, more likely years. this is the worst part of pet ownership. i can remember grumbling about the box and his stinky doo being the worst, what i wouldn't do now to have that be my "worst" complaint. i'd smile and sing like mary poppins everyday while cleaning it to have him back.

you have come to a great place for this, everyone listens and everyone knows your ordeal because they too are somewhere on the same path. details differ, but the stories are identical because "i lost someone i loved." it will be raw and fresh for awhile, but that does subside and you adjust (however unwillingly) to the new life. sounds so cliche and i hate it, but the only remedy is time. you have others at home, i rely heavily on mine, just loving and appreciating every single day that they are here. i have come away with a new understanding that it can happen whenever without warning, especially as they age, so i've got to make the most of every single day. take care, and come here everyday if need be, i know i did.

sarah (oliver's mama)