Does It Ever Get Better? Options

[CheriAnn]

Hello,
I am new here, and unfortunately, I found myself in need of searching for a support group as wonderful as this one is. Since I am new here, I hope I don't do this wrong or say anything that I shouldn't. So, please forgive me if I make a mistake or if this is too long. I am doing this at the suggestion of a friend to help me with my grief.
I had to make that terrible decision yesterday to end my dog's suffering. Rachael was a black lab, 12 years old and she was my very best friend. She had developed arthritis a year ago, so I watched her slow down. Yet, her spirit was still like a puppy and you never knew if she was suffering. She still wanted to run and chase her tennis ball, lay her in "kiddie" pool, and always happy, wagging her tail. Her mind was always alert, right up to yesterday when I took her to the vet. However, last Tuesday she just suddenly became too weak and could barely get up and down. She stopped eating and just laid around all the time. My husband and I took her to the vet and were horrified to discover she had been bleeding internally for quite some time. She never showed that anything was wrong, other then having to get up and down slowly, which I assumed was from her arthritis (which adds more guilt for me). Since she's had tumors removed in the past, we know she had that terrible history and indication of cancer. The vet gave us medications to treat a bleeding ulcer, in hopes that was the problem. The vet did tell us that if she didn't get better, it was the worst case, from a cancerous tumor and there was nothing we could do. We prayed and watched over her from Tuesday night until yesterday afternoon. She just wasn't getting any better. Each day we watched her grow weaker and drop weight, since she wouldn't eat. By yesterday morning, when we picked her up and got her steady, she wouldn't even try to walk anymore. Her breathing started sounding louder, like she was having trouble. I knew I had to end her suffering, but she didn't make it easy. She was still so alert! She would pick her head up and look at us when we entered the room and wag her tail. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life! I battled with the guilt of ending her life. Did I have the right thing, or should I have let "Mother Nature" do it? Well, I decided I had to love her enough to let her go peacefully before the suffering just got even worse.
My next hardest decision was being with her when it happened. I didn't think I could handle watching her pass, yet I felt I owed it to her to be there, holding her when she passed. I did lay with her and hold her, as I watched her take her last breath.
I expect the pain and mourning, she was with me for so many years, and as you all have expressed, they all have their own unique traits that will never be forgotten. But my question is does the pain ever get bareable? I know it just happened yesterday, but will I always be haunted by the sight her passing? That is what tears me up the most. I made that decision and I watched as it happened. That just tears me up and makes me feel so guilty. Is there anything I can do to get through this period?
I should also mention, we have an adorable 3 years old black lab male, Danny. I know he will have to adjust to not having her around anymore too. He just loved her so much too! He would always go and lay down right next to her all the time. I'm trying so hard to not cry in front of him.

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[CheriAnn]

Oh, you all have been so great! I am SO happy I found this wonderful forum. I really have gained some wonderful advice, that is really going to help me heal.
I am so glad you shared your stories with me, especially Libby, when you are still feeling so raw. I know your stories are very personal but it really helps me realize that I am not alone.
I absolutely loved the statement, "you took on the pain so that your pet could be relieved of hers". That actually makes me feel a little better about my decision. Instead of all the guilt I am feeling, it somehow makes it seem better. I am in SO much tortured pain right now, but I am taking on the pain for Rachael, so she can be pain-free now. That somehow relieves the guilt and makes me feel like I did what I did because I DO love her so much. I also took to heart the statement written that what I did was part of taking care of her. She gave me unconditional love, and in return I spared her from further pain and suffering. I also never thought of the fact that she, as all other pets, didn't show her weaknesses until she could no longer hide it, because of her survival instinct. Gosh, that helps me feel better, because I just couldn't understand why she took a turn for the worse so suddenly, and I only a few days to prepare and deal with it. She was just "surviving" each day without letting me know. Finally, among MANY other wonderful things written to help me, I was relieved to realize that being there with her kept her from dying in fear. Gosh, up until I read these replies, I did NOT think of myself as a good "mommy", but a terrible one for letting her get so bad, and then for ending her life for her. I guess I haven't been giving myself ANY credit for all the caring and unselfish things I really do for her!
Thanks again SO much! All these replies and hugs mean a great deal right now.
I am going to add a tribute for my little girl as soon as I feel I can.
Cheri Ann