My Girls Gone Options

[mpres]

On tuesday (9/28) I had to put my cat china of 12 years down and the grief and guilt are incapacitating. She was old anywhere from 16 to 19 years old i am not really sure. I never felt that i chose china rather she chose me and I strongly doubt that I will ever love another animal as I loved her.

I found china in a ditch in the fall of 1992 and never imagined how amazing she would be. It is too painfull to talk about her right now. The grief I almost feel as though I can deal with, but the guilt is eating me alive. I have read all the many posts online here and other places and now this is normal but it does not make it any easier.
I took her to the vets after many weeks even months of avoiding the obvious. In the last weeks she rarely ate more than a spoonful at a time, had trouble walking, sleeping, breathing the whole shabang. But she still had that sparkle of life in her eyes and that purr that only a happy cat makes. On monday night that was gone and I knew i had to stop avioding the obvious and get her help or accept that our time was over.

My guilt comes from not spending days thinking about it and holding and loving her or giving it time. I took her to the vets the next day at 1:15pm and she was put down by 2pm. I feel so selfish because if I stopped and though about it I wouldn't have been able to do it. I couldn't bring her home and KNOW I was bringing her back the next day to die. I feel I did it more for me than for her.

The other major guilt I am feeling at this point is regarding my other animals. I have other two cats, sera and jordan, whom I do love but not in the same way I loved china. She was my girl. I never questioned it it just was. They had all come to a tacit agreement over the years and neither of my other cats were really close to china so they don't seem very effected other than me being a walking basket case. At times I can't help but think that the deep love I had to give to another animal died with her and that I am only acting with the other cats. This is truely a horrible feeling but i can't seem to help it.

If anyone else has gone through something similar to this I sure would appreciate hearing about it or any words of advice on how to deal with this because I am really at a loss.

Thank you -M

[gingerspal]

Dear M,
You know, when an animal (or a person!) will not eat any more---it is over. They are telling us..."no more..I need no more nurishment..I am done"...but we do not want to accept natures laws. I saw my own mother reject food at the hospital before she died. It broke my heart! But the body, whether it is a cat a dog a horse or a human knows when it is dying. When it is dying "sustenance" is no longer required.
Remember that your beloved china never had thoughts of the future. Those are human concepts. China never thought about the future upcoming minutes hours days or months. People do that, not animals. They live only in the "now" and you provided all China's "now" in the most loving and giving way. You have deprived China of nothing. You are only feeling deprived by the physical loss of her. This is all normal. The guilt is normal too because you were the provider of everything for China. It is a big responsibilty and you wanted to keep providing for China's life. But China's life had come to an end and that is what you can not control. Take solace in knowing China is at the rainbow bridge with all our fur friends. She is 100% happy, whole and healthy..just waiting for the day when she gets to reunite with you again. You were wonderful to her the whole way.
Love,
Patti