Waited Too Long Options

[LarrysMom]

The morning of July 24, 2008 I awoke to find that my beloved beagle Larry was dead. About 6 weeks earlier the vet told me he had cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes so it was just a matter of time. Not being able to make the decision to euthanize him at that moment I took him home. I could see that Larry was declining but I just couldn't make myself make an appointment with the vet. The night before, as I did every night, I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and that if he could not hang on one more day that I would be very sad but would always love him. He was 11 years old, an old man, but I wanted him to stay with me just a little longer. The day before he died I decided that the next day I would call the vet. This way my husband, a trucker and on the road the days prior, would be home to accompany me. During the night or early morning, Larry went out into the back garden. He must have had a seizure or passed out as I found my baby floating in the pool. The last place Larry would go was near any body of water, he hated getting wet, he wouldn't even go out if it was raining. All I can think of now is if I had not been so selfish and taken him to the vet sooner he would not have suffered. For the rest of my life I will carry the guilt of killing him. I held him close to me and cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that I let him down and that I didn't take care of him the way he deserved to be. Now when I look at the pool that at one time was the scene of many happy family actvities I want to vomit. I take full responsibility for passively killing my baby. I suppose it was fitting punishment that my husband was delayed comming home by an extra day and the task of burying Larry was left to me. I go out to his grave at least twice a day and ask him to forgive me. My family thinks I've lost all sanity and I don't dare talk about this with any of my friends. Since that day I just go through the motions of my life and pretend that everything is okay. It's too late for Larry but my husband has agreed to add a gate to the railing around the pool. He's only trying to make me feel better but it's too little too late.
I've posted this because some one told me it helps to share your pain.

[Jon730]

All I can think of now is if I had not been so selfish and taken him to the vet sooner he would not have suffered. For the rest of my life I will carry the guilt of killing him. I held him close to me and cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that I let him down and that I didn't take care of him the way he deserved to be.

I am sorry for your loss and sadness!

Try thinking of it another way. You did NOT passively kill him. He was terminally ill. That part had nothing to do with you.
Instead, you elected not to be his executioner, and not to make that decision.

We have lost animal friends both ways, and both cause recriminations and guilt. "did we do the right thing" ," Did we do everything we could?"
We always read these thoughts here because most people have them, but had you taken him sooner, then you would have felt the same way, but had different reasons.

It does slowly get better, if that can help. It will never go away, but will recede. But blaming yourself is not the way to make that happen. It is already bad enough as it is, and this makes it worse for no beneficial reason. YOU did not kill him, did you?

There are people on here devastated because some careless little thing caused an accident that killed thier friend...Like the person who did not check the clothes drier before they turned it on. Imagine how they felt, and how much of a load they carry. You did nothing like that.
How can there be anything wrong with NOT wanting to put your friend down.

I hope this is taken the way it is intended. You have enough hurt than to add to it by beating yourself up.
He would not want to see this happening to you, would he?

[LarrysMom]

[quote name='Jon730' date='Aug 5 2008, 06:45 AM' post='41348']
We have lost animal friends both ways, and both cause recriminations and guilt. "did we do the right thing" ," Did we do everything we could?"
We always read these thoughts here because most people have them, but had you taken him sooner, then you would have felt the same way, but had different reasons.

Experiencing the loss of a loved one, animal or human, we tend to believe that we are the only ones in pain. I'm so grateful that I was led to this site where so many have gone or a going through the same and truly understand.
Today I was able to look at pictures of Larry and smile as I remembered what he was doing when it was taken. To help me heal I am following the adivce I gotten from so many kind hearts who have replied to me. I remind myself of all the good times we had, what I did to take care of him and make him happy and most of all that I did not kill my Larry. I have to remember that I must have done something good; the entire neighborhood knew us as "that spoiled rotten beagle and his mom".