Waited Too Long Options

[LarrysMom]

The morning of July 24, 2008 I awoke to find that my beloved beagle Larry was dead. About 6 weeks earlier the vet told me he had cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes so it was just a matter of time. Not being able to make the decision to euthanize him at that moment I took him home. I could see that Larry was declining but I just couldn't make myself make an appointment with the vet. The night before, as I did every night, I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and that if he could not hang on one more day that I would be very sad but would always love him. He was 11 years old, an old man, but I wanted him to stay with me just a little longer. The day before he died I decided that the next day I would call the vet. This way my husband, a trucker and on the road the days prior, would be home to accompany me. During the night or early morning, Larry went out into the back garden. He must have had a seizure or passed out as I found my baby floating in the pool. The last place Larry would go was near any body of water, he hated getting wet, he wouldn't even go out if it was raining. All I can think of now is if I had not been so selfish and taken him to the vet sooner he would not have suffered. For the rest of my life I will carry the guilt of killing him. I held him close to me and cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that I let him down and that I didn't take care of him the way he deserved to be. Now when I look at the pool that at one time was the scene of many happy family actvities I want to vomit. I take full responsibility for passively killing my baby. I suppose it was fitting punishment that my husband was delayed comming home by an extra day and the task of burying Larry was left to me. I go out to his grave at least twice a day and ask him to forgive me. My family thinks I've lost all sanity and I don't dare talk about this with any of my friends. Since that day I just go through the motions of my life and pretend that everything is okay. It's too late for Larry but my husband has agreed to add a gate to the railing around the pool. He's only trying to make me feel better but it's too little too late.
I've posted this because some one told me it helps to share your pain.

[goliath]

I've posted this because some one told me it helps to share your pain.

It does help to share the pain. Here at LS we share in our deepest pain and walk with each other through healing in peace. You never have to walk alone. We are here for each other.

No matter how Larry passed away you would still feel guilty. Some of what all of us feel when our furbaby passes away includes guilt. We say what if? If only I had....... Coulda...shouda.....woudda. The overload of emotions send us on a wild rollercoaster ride that seems to have no end.

Larry knew you were a devoted and loving Mom to him. He would never hold anything against you. Your husband was not home to be by your side because he was working. Who could ever blame you for wanting to wait so you could have some comfort in the arms of your husband? Certainly not Larry because he loved you too.

I felt more than a little insane myself after my Goliath passed away so suddenly last Novemeber. I wondered who stole my head along with my Goliath. Thinking straight at all was completely out of the question because my mind and emotions went into a whirlwind. It took alot of time and tears as I began the long walk down that sad road of grief. Little by little I began to take baby steps until eventually I found a place of healing and peace in my heart and my mind.

Coming to LS provided me with inspiration and a hope of leading me back to living a healthy and happy life again. It will do the same for you if you stick around. We all share a common bond in that each of us has suffered the loss of a furbaby we loved so much.

Many comforting hugs with love,
Beth